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Being single in today’s couples world can be challenging in many ways. Not only because you have to deal with annoying relationship status questions from family and friends, but also because you are solely responsible for your own existence – in a time when the world is not set up for living alone. And young people think so too, according to research by 3Vraagt in collaboration with 3FM HUMAN. The vast majority of young people (80%) feel that the world is set up for living in couples.
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Relationship is the norm
Earlier this month, over three thousand young people between the ages of 16 and 34 were given the opportunity to give their opinion on being single and relationships. In particular, they were asked whether relationships are the norm in 2021. The majority of them were quite clear about this, because 86% of young people experience that a relationship is still the norm.
One of the study participants: “Relationships seem like the end station.” Emphasizing that a relationship is the ultimate goal for many, the participant says: “Nobody ever asks partners when they’re going to be single again, but they always ask single people when they’re going to be in a relationship again.
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‘Have you found someone yet?’
When family gatherings around the holidays are back on the agenda, singles instinctively feel that they are about to be questioned about their relationship status. The question of whether they have found someone yet is not unknown to any single. Almost three quarters of young people (73%) feel that society expects singles to find a relationship. If you are constantly asked if you are in a relationship yet, then that is not so strange.
Nearly two-thirds of singles (64%) say they find it annoying to be asked these kinds of questions all the time. Young women are the most annoyed by this, with 80% saying so, while just over half of young men (52%) are fed up with it. Many participants in the survey say they find it odd that such a question is specifically asked to singles. Because it doesn’t happen the other way around: “Uh, what do you mean, are you still together?!” says one participant.
The majority of respondents indicate that being single has a positive effect on their happiness. More than 6 out of 10 young singles (63%) are happy with their single status. But that does not mean that they want to remain single forever , because an equally large group of singles (63%) would like to be in a relationship. A third of respondents are not necessarily waiting for a partner.
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The pressure to find a relationship
It’s okay to be single and it’s even more okay to give yourself love. But for most people, it’s only okay for a while because eventually you have to find someone to be in a relationship with. This pressure to find a relationship has a name: amatonormativity . It’s the name for the assumption that everyone wants and should be in a loving relationship.
The term was coined in 2011 by philosophy professor Elizabeth Brake. ‘Amato’ comes from the Latin word for ‘beloved’ and ‘normativity’ stands for what is considered culturally normal. Do young people in the Netherlands also feel this pressure? The answer is ‘yes’, according to the research, but not for everyone.
The pressure to find a relationship varies considerably by age group and gender. Women also feel this pressure more than men, with 55% of female participants experiencing this pressure, compared to 37% of men. These differences are also present by age group, with the rule being: the older, the more the pressure is felt.
Of the 25 to 34 year old participants, 56% feel the pressure to find a relationship. Of the 16 to 24 year olds, this is just over a third with 37% experiencing the pressure. Those who do not feel the pressure say that they do get the comments and expectations from society, but that they do not care about them.
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Desire to have children increases the pressure
Wanting to have children increases the pressure to find a relationship, the study shows. Of the respondents who want to have children, 47% say that this plays a role in how much pressure they feel. Those who want to have children but do not feel pressure to find a relationship feel that they still have enough time. Due to their young age, they still have plenty of time to find a partner later. Others consider having children alone – due to the lack of a partner.
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