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The perfect partner? If you were to ask a random passerby, they would quickly come up with a long list of qualities that describe the perfect picture. From the qualities that this person should possess – such as caring, active and funny – to the skills and interests that she should have – such as good cooking, a love of travelling and a love of ironing. Most of us have (or had) such a list of requirements, wishes and preferences.
While everyone is looking for the perfect match, we all have different boxes to tick that should be filled by the qualities and characteristics of a potential partner. From a college education and curly blonde hair to a big butt, the boxes are filled in differently for everyone. And while some of the requirements singles have are odd to say the least, like a preference for small ears, there are other characteristics that most people agree are important.
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Deal breakers and turn offs
On the other hand, there are also characteristics and traits that are not on the list. These are the things we hope to never encounter in a partner: the deal breakers, also known as turn-offs . They are the factors you take into account when making a decision to continue with something… or not.
A turn-off is that which says: ‘This far and no further.’ A potential partner who wants to force an open relationship , does not want children or is addicted to drugs: these can all be turn-offs. And in the case of the examples mentioned, many people will recognize these turn-offs – both men and women.
But what are the biggest turn-offs and deal breakers? What are the things that make people throw in the towel before the game has even started? Luckily, there’s been more than enough research on this. We’ve found the answer.
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The biggest turn off
One of the studies, published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin , found that there is one turn-off that is a total dealbreaker for both men and women: a sloppy or unkempt appearance. Whether it is clothing, hair or overall appearance, an unhygienic appearance is not appreciated.
The study asked 5,541 American singles to participate in the study. They were given a list of 17 undesirable personality traits – based on previous research – and were asked to decide which of these traits would be a turn-off for them. The participants were allowed to check multiple answers, which they did. On average, the participants even named 6 turn-offs.
The study found that an unkempt appearance is a universal turn-off for both men and women, with 63 percent of men calling it a deal-breaker compared to 71 percent of women. But that’s not the only thing that turns singles off.
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Another big turn off
The runner-up turn-off for singles is laziness. 60 percent of men find a lazy woman unsuitable for dating, and women feel the same way. In fact, women hate it even more, with 72 percent of women calling laziness a deal-breaker. Along with unkempt appearance—which is somewhat related—laziness is a reason for both men and women not to start a relationship with that person.
Both men and women found the two traits so unattractive that they ranked them as the top two deal breakers. And no one would blame them, because the combination of neglect and a lack of self-respect sounds more sad than attractive.
There are more turn-offs
Now that we know that showing up to your date unwashed and in sweatpants is not in your best interest, it’s important to realize that these aren’t the only turn-offs. There are many more. Men and women find these turn-offs even more so, according to the study:
| Total | Men % | Women % | |
| Unkempt appearance | 67 | 63 | 71 |
| His | 66 | 60 | 72 |
| Too dependent | 63 | 57 | 69 |
| No sense of humor | 54 | 50 | 58 |
| Lives further than >3 hours travel | 49 | 51 | 47 |
| Bad sex | 47 | 44 | 50 |
| Lack of self-confidence | 40 | 33 | 47 |
| Too much TV/video games | 33 | 25 | 41 |
| Low libido | 33 | 39 | 27 |
| Stubborn | 33 | 32 | 34 |
| Talk too much | 23 | 26 | 20 |
| Too quiet | 14 | 11 | 17 |
| Bot | 14 | 11 | 17 |
| Don’t want children | 14 | 13 | 15 |
| Has children | 13 | 14 | 12 |
| Too athletic | 9 | 7 | 10 |
| Not athletic | 6 | 7 | 6 |
What the researchers also discovered was that the effect of turn-offs is stronger for women. Women have more turn-offs than men. Although the participants named an average of 6, it was the women who pulled the average up. Women had an average of 6.1 and men ‘only’ 5.4.
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A turn-off doesn’t have to be a turn-off
The researchers do make it clear that not all turn-offs are the same. Gregory Webster, one of the study’s authors and an associate professor of psychology at the University of Florida , says, “It’s important to note that a dealbreaker for one person can be a dealmaker for another.”
“For example, if someone is impulsive, some people will be attracted to that trait and see it as a desirable quality, while others – who prefer people who are predictable – may not like that trait as much.”
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Friendly Deal Breakers
The researchers also evaluated the deal breakers mentioned in non-romantic relationships. The effect of negative traits in a friendship relationship is not as strong as in a romantic relationship, the study found. But some deal breakers, such as dishonesty, are consistently avoided in all situations.
The researchers’ advice? Don’t look for the positive traits in a potential partner, but rather the undesirable ones. “Often, just by avoiding the ones with the negative traits, people are likely to do better—maybe much better—than if they go for the best potential partner,” Webster says.
Webster’s advice may sound a bit odd, but the psychology professor has a point. The research also shows that people value negative traits more than positive ones when evaluating a potential partner. In other words, even if you check all the boxes with your positive traits, one or two negative traits could be enough to keep you from getting into a relationship.
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