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When Kelly first spoke to James on a dating app, she thought the conversation would be like any other conversation—superficial and boring. There were no expectations, and she was surprised to find that they hit it off like a charm. James and Kelly had the kind of chemistry you usually only see in movies. “We hit it off right away,” she says. “After two days of messaging, it was time to meet.”
Kelly and James decided to go for a walk in the Baarn Forest. “We couldn’t take our eyes off each other. It quickly escalated. At a bridge over a winding stream, the click was sealed with a kiss.” The days after, they had daily app contact, had deep conversations about life and spent a few passionate days together.
“The spark flew immediately”
Now, this romantic love story wasn’t quite up to the level of The Notebook , but things were looking pretty rosy for the two lovebirds. And then… suddenly, and without any warning, James seemed to have disappeared. Phone calls went unanswered, no replies to texts, and no sign of life on social media: total radio silence. “I texted him to ask if he’d slept well after our sixth date, but I never heard from him again.” What happened ?
Now, it’s possible that James is in the hospital with two broken arms or has been forced to leave his home due to an emergency. But if dating trends over the past decade have taught us anything, it’s that something else is going on. James ended the relationship without bothering to explain or even let anyone know. Kelly has been ghosted .
What is ghosting?
Dating is always fun in the beginning – it’s exciting and challenging. It often starts with a flurry of texts, confused feelings and uncertainty. When it has potential for the future for both, it’s followed by a series of in-person meetings. But more and more often, it doesn’t end in happily ever after but in silence – when one of you disappears abruptly. We’re talking about ‘ghosting’, a silent method of ending the relationship without giving an explanation.
Ghosting is when someone you’re dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication without explanation. This isn’t an unanswered message on a dating app or someone who doesn’t respond after an awkward first date. Ghosting is the silent treatment for someone you’ve seen or are in a relationship with multiple times. And while ghosting is often mentioned in the context of dating and romantic relationships, it’s worth noting that ghosting can also occur in platonic friendships.
While estimates vary widely, approximately 13-23% of adults in the United States have been ghosted. In Spain, 19.3% of people have been ghosted at least once in the past year. And to take another extreme, according to research from dating app Plenty of Fish, 80% of millennials have been ghosted.
Of course, the phenomenon isn’t new. Prehistoric daters used to sit by their home phones with a curled cord waiting for their significant other to call, sometimes never to. And we’ve all heard stories of men who “just went to get a pack of cigarettes” and never returned. But in the age of dating apps and swiping away profiles on your screen, it’s taken on a new form. Ghosting is essentially the result of singles (profiles) becoming disposable (swiping).
The modern behavior known as ghosting continues to grow in popularity. That is also why we have updated this article five years later, after an earlier version from 2017. Years ago it was only a relatively unknown dating term, but today the term ‘ghosting’ with its new meaning has been included in the dictionary . And the word has also entered the Dutch language: you can now ghost someone or be ghosted yourself .
ghost (transitive verb)
1. (regarding date contact) respond less and less and finally break off contact
Origin of the term
The ghosting phenomenon—and the term itself—has become such a central part of the dating lexicon that it’s hard to imagine a time when it didn’t exist. There was, but it wasn’t called ghosting.
People simply didn’t have a name for it. Ghosting, of course, comes from the word “ghost” as a way to describe someone who suddenly disappears during a date. The first mentions of ghosting in connection with dating go back to 2011, when it was first discussed in a CNN article :
“Like it or not, ghosting someone you’re messaging is completely acceptable in the digital realm.”
What exactly happened to the term after that is unknown. The combined feeling of rejection and confusion after a broken connection only really started to be called ‘ghosting’ in 2014, when more and more media started using the term. That year, ghosting was one of the most popular buzzwords .
For example, when Charlize Theron shared with the world in 2015 how she gradually stopped dating Sean Penn and then ignored his calls and texts, the media was aware that Charlize was nothing more or less than a ghoster. The New York Times subsequently wrote an extensive explainer on ghosting shortly after the showbiz couple officially broke up.
Why do people ghost?
The reasons why people choose to ghost to abruptly end contact are never the same. No situation is the same. What everyone agrees on is that ghosting is an easy way to end a (starting) relationship. No drama, no difficult questions and no need to give answers or justify your behavior; it is an accessible alternative to the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ phrase. For many people, ghosting has become a reasonable option .
People generally frown upon ghosting as a way to end a relationship. Yet people still choose this – to some, cowardly – approach, for reasons ranging from convenience to safety.
1. Convenience
As humans, we like things to be easy. It’s a priority. Having a face-to-face conversation about ending a relationship isn’t. James, the ghoster from the introduction, didn’t want to do that. It can be unpleasant and emotional, and it takes time and energy. Ghosting is easier.
2. Less attraction
When Kelly and James met, there was no magnet strong enough to match the attraction between the two lovers. But then something happened in James’s brain: for him, the attraction was short-lived. He lost interest in Kelly. Ghosting was an attractive way for him, without much effort, to end the relationship .
3. Unwanted interactions
Our first impressions of people are often pretty close to reality, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes people find out someone was wearing a mask on their first dates. And that’s when feelings of love can turn to disgust—or otherwise shift from positive to negative. People are more likely to ghost when a new lover insults them or does something unpleasant, according to research.
4. Low emotional intelligence
When we talk about an IQ test, we all know that it is a measurement of intelligence. You have probably taken such a test yourself. However, a test to measure emotional intelligence (EQ) is not that common. But this could provide information about the risk of ghosting. According to research, those with a low EQ are more likely to be the perpetrator in a ghosting situation. These are people who have a hard time understanding how and how much their actions hurt others.
5. Safety
When people enter a relationship, they let down their walls and their personal baggage comes out. This is how polite manners can turn into creepy behavior . If someone is being treated badly by a new partner, abruptly ending communication can be the only and best solution. People who ghost for this reason do it to ensure safety.
If you are familiar with the Dark Triad traits, you may also be interested in knowing that people who score high on them are more likely to choose to ghost. Other reasons cited in studies include low self-esteem, self-sabotage, insecure attachment, mental health issues, and the convenience of technology.
Why have people started ghosting each other more?
Good question. Many people probably believe that budding relationships are somehow less “real” in the age of digital communication. We have become culturally desensitized to virtual contact. Our chat contacts are not people, they are digital versions of people – who can only express their emotions with funny emojis . But because even a crying emoji can’t make us feel like we’re hurting someone, we have no qualms about doing just that. And as a result, budding relationships are treated as such.
Researchers also believe that dating apps have turned classic dating into a game. Swiping, matching and chatting is a form of entertainment for a large part of users – not a process to find love. According to other studies, the swipe logic creates more emotional distance from other users and less investment in new relationships.
Ultimately, the behavior has grown gradually because singles are not (anymore) fully aware of the consequences. Disappearing may be easier than ever, but it is not okay to not let anyone hear from you. Ghosting has more consequences than any other way to end a relationship.
ALSO READ: Why Self-love Starts With Recognizing Your Limits
Consequences of ghosting
Despite the fact that ghosting has become a perfectly acceptable practice among some age groups, the behavior does have a negative impact on the victim. For the ghosted, there is no closure, which can lead to deep feelings of insecurity.
Someone who is ghosted has no idea what is happening. At first, you think that nothing is wrong. “He/She must be busy,” you think. But when you have to wait longer than usual for a message, you start to worry. What if the other person is lying in a ditch somewhere? Should you contact a family member? Or are you being dramatic? Ghosting creates the ultimate scenario of uncertainty.
Maybe the other person is just a little busy and you can get a message at any time. The thought is not so crazy. That changes when you see that your loved one has read all your messages, but fails to respond. In the meantime, you also see some activity on social media again. Only it seems as if the connection with you has been completely broken. And then comes the realization that you are being ghosted. It hurts, because it is a cruel rejection.
When you finally realize that your new lover is no longer your lover, you wonder what happened. Why is this being done to you? What went wrong? Is it something you said? Is it you? Did someone say something about you? WHAT. IS. IT?! Your mind goes into overdrive when there is no explanation of how or why.
Ghosting says:
- …that you are not worthy of respect.
- …that your feelings don’t matter.
- …that you don’t deserve an explanation.
- …that you are not important enough.
- …that your emotions are insignificant.
- …that the relationship was fake.
- …that you are not entitled to disconnection.
Ghosting is especially painful because you are powerless. You are not given any guidance on how to improve yourself, whether your guilt is justified, and how to move forward. You are not given the opportunity to ask questions. Or to get more information that would help you process it. Because of these aspects, ghosting is a painful experience that you cannot simply file away without an explanation. And because the explanation never comes, we can best describe it as a form of emotional abuse.
One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just make you doubt the relationship you thought you had. It also makes you doubt yourself. Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? How can I ever trust anyone again? If you’re struggling with abandonment and commitment issues, ghosting might be the final push toward the emotional abyss.
ALSO READ: 4 Reasons To Indicate Your Limits
How do you deal with ghosting?
Although ghosting refers to the abrupt end of a relationship, it can take a while to realize that you’ve been ghosted. Because you may feel like no one would do that to you without having a proper conversation first, it can take a while to realize. But once you know you’ve been ghosted, you’ll want to know how to deal with it. Luckily for you, researchers recently studied just that.
In a recent 2020 study from the University of Alabama, scientists wanted to know what strategies people use when they’ve been ghosted. Which ones are effective in getting over it, and which are ineffective? The researchers discovered the best and worst ways to cope.
Effective strategies
Based on the results, the researchers have found effective strategies to help deal with ghosting. Here are the top four ways to deal with ghosting:
- Moving on: Accept that it is what it is and embrace new experiences.
- Accepting Relationship Loss: Recognizing Ghosting as a Modern Dating Risk and Moving On
- Distracting yourself: occupying yourself with something else (e.g. listening to music) or ignoring reality.
- Seeking another relationship: entering into and/or pursuing other relationships or intimacy.
Ineffective strategies
According to the research, there were also a number of ineffective strategies that did not reduce uncertainty. These were often more focused on getting more information about the ghoster. Such as these:
- Discreet observation: secretly following the ghoster, for example from a car.
- Contact with acquaintances or family: indirectly establishing contact with mutual friends or family.
- Following via social media: viewing social media profiles.
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The researchers say that those who have been ghosted should try to rebalance their lives. They say that this is better than disconnecting by starting new relationships or reconnecting with exes. They say that spending time with other people and starting new routines is much more effective.
Helpful distractions include exercising, listening to music, and experimenting with new hobbies. Renewing friendships can help shift your focus. In the meantime, the researchers suggest acknowledging and validating the difficult feelings as you move on and heal from them. Not sure if you’re being ghosted? Follow these three steps:
1. Evaluate the situation
If you stop receiving messages, it doesn’t always mean that you’re being ghosted. After all, who’s to say that something else isn’t going on? A phone can break, the internet can go down—these things can happen. But it’s also possible that your loved one is isolating themselves due to emotional issues that have nothing to do with you. So don’t assume the worst and try to figure out why you’re being ignored.
Ghosting is not immediately apparent. It is a process that takes several days. Only when you notice that the other person has shown up for work, is meeting friends or is doing other daily activities – and you still have not received any sign of life – is it likely that you are ghosting.
2. Give the other person space
If someone suddenly stops responding, it could be a sign that the relationship has been too intense. Especially if someone has been single for a long time, a relationship can lead to a feeling of suffocation. Perhaps the ghoster needs some time to sort things out. Give the other person time to respond to your messages.
In the meantime, find something to keep you busy. Your life revolves around more than your loved one. Take some time for yourself, go exercise, spend time on your hobby or do something fun with friends. If the ghoster doesn’t respond within a few days, you can assume that he or she won’t do this anymore.
Some people have a habit of disappearing for a while before contacting you again, so it might not be a big deal if they don’t get back to you quickly. However, if they usually get back to you quickly and then suddenly stop texting or calling for an unusually long time, then you may be ghosted.
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3. Live on
When it’s over, it’s time to move on. It can be hard to accept that you’re not getting answers to your questions, but that’s the way it works when the other person cuts off contact in an emotionally immature way. The most important thing is to realize that it’s not you or the way you show your love. It’s not you, it’s the other person.
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