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Heart palpitations, blushing, sweaty palms: these are the typical symptoms people experience when they’re feeling shy. Whether it’s due to something accidental or something intentional, no one likes to be embarrassed. But some of us are much shyer than others. And if it’s so bad that you’re not dating, your shyness can limit what you get out of life.
Do you get chills running down your spine when someone asks you out? Or do you feel physically ill at the thought of a date in a crowded restaurant? If so, you’re not alone. In fact, these are the well-known struggles that shy and introverted singles face when they want to date. We’ll tell you more about it.
When are you shy?
Some people live for new experiences and meeting new people. They look forward to every opportunity to socialize and grab every chance with both hands. These are the people who introduce themselves first and easily engage in conversation. If you are shy, you do not do this. You are quiet and withdrawn.
When the situation arises, you prefer to wait and see and get a feel for the situation. With new people, you need some time to warm up before you start a conversation – if you do. You are afraid that you will do or say something that will make others think negatively of you.
Feeling shy is a unique experience and not comparable to the shyness that others feel. What shyness means to you may not mean to someone else. For example, you may feel shy if you always blush when you meet someone new. Others may not have this problem, but they may start to sweat and act ‘differently’.
It could also be that you’re only shy when it comes to dating. For example, you might have no trouble speaking in front of a group, while a one-on-one meeting with a match leaves you shaking in your boots. So not every shy person experiences shyness in the same way – sometimes social anxiety can also be an issue .
Shy people are often introverts, but that is not always true. Even if you have an extroverted personality, you can experience anxiety that makes you shy. Shyness and introversion can overlap, but they are not the same.
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Shyness and dating
For shy people, talking to new people can be a challenge. But when you’re shy and you’re also trying to date, it can seem impossible. While most people struggle at least a little on a first date, dating often poses an extra challenge for those who describe themselves as introverted and shy.
The problem with dating is that you are putting yourself in a new and unfamiliar situation. It is an awkward situation that can bring out your deepest feelings of shyness. You are not sure how to act, what questions will be asked, and how the other person will react to you. And because the other person’s attention is focused entirely on you, you can feel even more shy than in other situations.
Shyness makes dating seem harder than it actually is. It can also cause you to avoid meeting new people, be active online but never meet up, and avoid people who might be interested in you. If you’re shy, dating can be intimidating for the following reasons:
- It is a 1-on-1 activity
- You feel pressured to talk
- A possible discussion may arise
- You worry about not being liked
- You think you can’t keep up the conversation
- You are afraid of rejection
- You don’t know what to tell and ask
All of these reasons can make dating a no-go. It’s off-putting. For someone who struggles with shyness, it’s not a pleasant prospect and may even be a reason to avoid dating altogether. In the short term, it’s a relief, but what about afterwards? Would you want to stay single in the long term? If the answer is no, we have a few tips for you.
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11 Tips to Overcome Shyness on Dating
Shyness doesn’t have to be a problem. Sometimes it’s even considered a bit charming. The only one who really suffers from it is you. That’s why we’ve listed eleven tips to combat your shyness when dating.
1. Practice more and more often
People who are shy tend to give themselves fewer social opportunities. They avoid social contacts, turn down opportunities to socialize, and prefer to keep their social life to a minimum. If this is how you treat your social life, then it is no surprise that you do not feel as socially confident as others. You practice less.
Everything you do in life gets easier the more you do it. When you were young, you had to learn how to ride a bike. That didn’t happen automatically either. You got better at it by practicing. That led to you getting on a bike now and not thinking about everything that comes with it. The more you do something, the better you get at it. Practice makes perfect . Overcoming shyness while dating is no different. That too takes practice.
Practice in similar situations. Date someone you know. Simulate the situation and play the dating game to practice it. You will also learn what you are doing wrong and what you can do to be less shy. Or if you want to try it in real life: ask for directions from people you see on the street or chat with someone who is walking the dog.
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2. Consider online dating
Online dating has the crucial advantage of allowing you to get to know someone well before you meet them. You can spend hours exchanging messages, calling each other and video chatting. It’s like you’re already dating, without having met in person. And all this from the comfort of your own home. For introverts and shy people, online dating is perfect, because there are few other ways to date that are so accessible.
Dating apps also make it easier to talk about your worries. Telling someone you’re shy is half the battle to reducing the anxiety before a date. While you don’t have to share all your fears with all your matches, being honest about who you are online is still easier than offline. Most people will be understanding and non-judgmental. If they are, you’ll save yourself the trouble of dating that person.
Some dating apps also take personal characteristics into account. For example, people with the same lifestyle and characteristics are matched with each other at Parship , a well-known and reliable dating app. Nowadays, there are also apps that match you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type , such as Birdy and SoSyncd , but these apps have hardly any users in the Netherlands yet.
3. Meet at a familiar location
People are less likely to feel shy in situations where they know what to expect. Now, you may not be entirely sure who will show up and whether that person really looks like the photos, but you can make everything around it more ‘familiar’. For example, don’t meet in a place you’ve never been before. Meet in a place where you feel at home. You’ll feel less shy if you know what to expect from the location.
4. Choose a suitable date idea
A 4-course meal is not suitable. Staying in conversation with someone for three hours is perhaps the hardest thing to do for someone who is introverted or shy. Also, looking at each other for three hours. Waiting for the starter can easily take an eternity. If you are shy, it is therefore even more important to choose a suitable date idea .
Think of a short walk, a visit to the fair or watching a match together. Preferably something that doesn’t take long. These activities ensure that you can focus your attention partly on the activity, so that the attention is not on you or your date all the time.
5. Identify your triggers
Where do your worries about dating actually come from? Have you ever wondered? What exactly are you afraid of? If you’re considering dating but already feel anxious just thinking about it, it can help to analyze these worries. For example, an awkward silence can trigger anxiety, but it’s also something you can work on.
In the case of an awkward silence, you can prepare yourself more and better to avoid such a silence. You can rehearse questions, practice conversation techniques, and learn tactics to keep the conversation going . You can find ways to avoid the silence or realize that a short pause in the conversation is not so bad after all.
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6. Take baby steps
One of the worst things you can do is to throw yourself in at the deep end. That doesn’t build trust. It can actually increase shyness. If you don’t want to have a traumatic experience, it’s wise to take baby steps. Going slow and taking it easy is okay because you’re still making progress. One step at a time.
7. Embrace the awkwardness
Dating is awkward . It is awkward for everyone, even those who aren’t shy. And guess what: it’s okay to feel awkward. You’re human, just like everyone else. Everyone feels awkward sometimes. So don’t try to avoid it, because it’s inevitable. Learn to deal with it. No matter how awkward a situation is, it’s just one moment in a million. Don’t let that one moment stop you from doing what you want.
8. Use positive affirmations
“You can do it!” How many times have you said this to yourself? If “never” is the answer, you should get acquainted with positive affirmations . The idea is that if you say it to yourself often enough, you’ll start to believe it.
If you keep repeating these positive thoughts, they will become part of who you are and what you do. It may sound a bit vague, but these sentences can be very powerful when you are trying to overcome your negative thoughts. Some examples:
- ‘I may be there!’
- “My shyness doesn’t stop me from dating!”
- ‘Being shy is not bad!’
9. Shift your attention to the other person
Thinking back to a time when you felt shy, what did you do? If you’re like most shy people, the discomfort increased when you started focusing on yourself. You weren’t concerned with the situation around you anymore – it was all about your own thoughts, feelings and insecurities. So you can see this tip coming: don’t focus on yourself, focus on the other person.
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10. Accept it
Some people are naturally shy, while others never are. That’s just the way you are as a person. You can work on being less shy. You can practice every day. But even then, it’s realistic that you’ll still be more shy than someone else. And that’s okay, because shyness also has a number of benefits that are unique to this trait. You can emphasize these benefits when dating, such as:
- You are more sensitive than others
- You are more understanding
- You don’t judge others
- You can empathize well with others
- You are able to be vulnerable
11. Know that you can do it
Although shyness is partly hereditary , you can work on reducing it. You are not the first to do this and you certainly won’t be the last. Many people learn to control their shyness so that they can live the life they want. Know that you can do it too. You too can learn to manage your shyness so that it doesn’t get in the way of what you want to do.
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