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Ask any single person what they want in a partner and they’ll rattle off a long list of qualities. Funny, intelligent, confident. If you ’ve ever filled out a dating profile , you’ve probably thought about the qualities you find attractive in a partner. But do they actually match up with what you want in a partner? According to new research from the University of Toronto, the answer is no .
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It’s not the same
What people think they want in a partner and what they really like are often two different things. For example, you might think you want a partner who is exceptionally kind, while you actually fall for someone with a rebellious streak. That is the conclusion drawn by scientists at the Canadian university based on four separate studies with more than 1,300 participants.
“Ideas about the qualities we like are somewhat based on experience,” says Andre Wang, an assistant professor of psychology at the university. “If I like humor, it may be that I’ve been on dates with funny people and liked them.” But these experiences are only part of the story, the researchers say. It also depends on the social context.
For example, if you attend a party and meet funny people, you might think that you like funny people . In reality, it may not be the humor of the funny people that you like, but rather the context (in this case, the party) in which it happens – the humor is simply part of the setting.
“As a result, what you think you like and what you actually like can look very different,” said Da Silva Frost, co-author of the study.
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What you think is not what you want
Wang, Da Silva Frost, and colleagues tested this in four studies involving more than 1,300 people. They found that what people say about desirable traits has little correlation with how much they actually like that trait. In other words, what you think you like in a partner may not be what you really want.
For example, in one study, participants were asked how much they liked a trait like self-confidence . They were then asked to rate dating profiles of different types, indicating how much they liked the people and whether they would sign up for a trial of the dating app.
The results of this study showed that participants who indicated that they liked confidence were no more likely to sign up for a trial of a dating app that only featured confident people. According to the study, which was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology , people need to experience it for themselves first. Therefore, participants were allowed to try out the trial and the researchers could then compare how important the desired traits really were.
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Experiences are more important
“After the free trial, the ideas of what they liked didn’t matter anymore,” Wang says. “At that point, the experiences of what they like are more important. Once you’ve experienced something, that becomes your guide.”
The conclusion of the study is that you only know if you like someone’s qualities after you have experienced that person. There is a difference between the idea that you like something and the feelings you have after you have experienced it. What does this mean for singles looking for a partner?
According to the researchers, you can limit yourself — and the available supply — if you stick to what you want in a partner . “You could filter out people in advance who could really make you happy,” Wang says.
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