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You are sitting on a cozy terrace, surrounded by the buzz of people and the soft splashing of children playing in the fountains. Opposite you sits a fascinating person you met on a dating app. Your conversations are filled with interest and you slowly but surely discover each other’s desires and dreams. But as you open your hearts, you also feel an inner force that tells you to guard your boundaries. Because you know from experience how annoying it is when your boundaries are not respected.
In your previous relationship, things went terribly wrong. You felt an uncomfortable knot in your stomach every time you got into yet another heated argument with your partner. Every time you tried to make your point clear, your words were dismissed or ridiculed. It seemed like your needs didn’t matter and you made yourself smaller and smaller to please the other person. Over time, you started to doubt your self-worth and eventually you felt trapped in a suffocating dynamic . You want to prevent that now. But how do you do that?
Setting boundaries
Imagine having a beautiful garden on the other side of town, a piece of land that is all yours. This garden is filled with flowers, trees, and lush greenery. It is a place where you go to relax. But it is a place that you cannot see when you are at home. To keep this garden beautiful, you need to put a fence around it.
The fence acts as a boundary, a protective barrier that separates your garden from the outside world. It keeps unwanted intruders out and creates a safe space for the flowers to grow and flourish. Without this fence, animals would eat your flowers, the wind would destroy your plants, and your garden would slowly fade away.
In the same way, the personal boundaries you set in relationships are like that fence around your yard. They define the boundaries of your emotional, physical, and mental space. They protect you from people and situations that could harm you and your mental health. The boundaries ensure that you respect yourself, take yourself seriously, and recognize that your needs are important.
Just as a garden without a fence is vulnerable to all external dangers, a relationship without boundaries can also cause problems. It can lead to exhaustion, frustration and a loss of identity. By setting boundaries, you put yourself first and decide for yourself what you will and will not participate in. They give you the freedom to express yourself, to follow your own path and to form healthy relationships.
How do you set healthy boundaries?
Setting boundaries is important in any relationship, but probably even more so in new relationships where the foundation is being laid. Setting boundaries is essential to building a solid foundation for a healthy and balanced relationship. Here are a few ways to set boundaries.
Be aware of your own needs
Take time to get to know yourself. Do you really understand what you need in a relationship? Think about your values, boundaries and personal space. This awareness is the basis for setting boundaries.
Communicate openly and honestly
Talk to your (new) partner about your boundaries and needs. What are your needs and what does your partner need to know about them? Be clear and specific about what is acceptable to you and what is not. Open and honest communication helps to prevent misunderstandings and it also creates more understanding for each other.
Be assertive
Dare to stand up for yourself and maintain your boundaries. Make it clear right away that your boundaries are not being respected. Be polite but firm in stating your boundaries.
Watch out for red flags
Be alert to the signs of unhealthy relationship boundaries . Do you know what the red flags are? These could be signs of a lack of respect for your boundaries. Take these signals seriously and take action in time.
Respect each other’s boundaries
Setting boundaries in a relationship is only possible if both parties respect each other’s boundaries. So it is not only important to set your own boundaries, but also to respect those of your partner. This requires mutual understanding and the ability to recognize each other’s needs.
take your time
Healthy boundaries in a relationship are not established overnight. They are boundaries that need to be discovered. And that takes time. It takes time and effort to get to know each other and to tune into each other’s needs.
Setting healthy boundaries in a new relationship is an ongoing process. It is never finished. Along the way, you will discover new boundaries that you want to set, as life changes, to avoid getting into an unhealthy situation. But there are more reasons to set boundaries than just avoiding an unhealthy situation.
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10 Reasons to Set Healthy Boundaries
If you’re still not convinced about setting boundaries in a relationship, check out this list. These are the top reasons to set healthy boundaries.
1. Maintaining your individual identity
You don’t want to completely merge with your partner. Let’s say you’re a talented pianist, but your new love interest isn’t musical. Should you suppress your piano skills to better fit in with your partner? Of course not. It’s important to spend time on your own hobbies and interests to maintain your individuality. That way, you’ll stay happy and grow as a person.
2. Prevent dependency
One day you realize that you only breathe, think and dream about your partner. You feel confused and you no longer know where you end and your partner begins. By setting boundaries, you prevent yourself from needing each other to survive, instead of being together because you like being together.
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3. Respect for each other’s personal space
You love being together with your partner, but sometimes you just want to be alone. Preferably in your sweatpants on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book . It is important to give each other that personal space, so that you can also relax and enjoy your own company. With boundaries, that is possible.
4. Protection of mental health
You find yourself constantly calling, texting, and messaging your partner while you’re desperately trying to meet an important deadline. You know why: you never said how annoying it is. How do you think that feels? Setting boundaries can help prevent your mental health from suffering under the constant stress of a relationship .
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5. Maintaining a healthy balance
A healthy balance between work, private life and friendships is only possible if you set boundaries in your relationship. Does your partner expect you to do something together every weekend? Then make it clear that you also enjoy spending time with friends or family.
6. Communication of personal values ​​and standards
By communicating your boundaries, you clearly indicate what you like and don’t like. The result? That your partner gets to know you better and can take it into account. For example, your partner doesn’t know that you feel uncomfortable when he or she stands too close to you while you’re having a difficult conversation. Your partner only knows that when you say so.
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7. Avoiding unrealistic expectations
Setting healthy boundaries ensures that unrealistic expectations don’t arise, which can only lead to disappointment. Your partner may expect you to have dinner together every night, but you also have a busy job and other commitments. Set boundaries and expectations will be tempered.
8. Space for personal growth
You finally have the chance to take that evening photography course, but then it turns out that your partner wanted to keep this evening free for quality time . If only you had set your boundaries, because with clear boundaries you ensure that you have the space to continue to develop yourself. Boundaries also ensure that you can continue to learn new things.
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9. Keeping Distance from a Toxic Relationship
You realize that your relationship is taking up more and more energy and is slowly exhausting you, because your partner is increasingly jealous and possessive. Are you going to accept this any longer or are you going to set boundaries? By setting boundaries, you protect yourself from the damaging effects of a toxic relationship . You also prevent a relationship from completely consuming you.
10. Maintaining self-esteem
You deserve to be respected and appreciated by your partner. While boundaries can’t ensure you receive respect and appreciation, they can ensure you aren’t treated disrespectfully . In the long run, this will strengthen your sense of self-worth and self-respect.
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