How to Say You Don’t Want to Date Anymore (or Are Not Interested Anymore)

The era we live in has turned the dating world upside down. All sorts of new trends are popping up in the media that make dating seem more like a battlefield than a romantic adventure. People are no longer people, but virtual characters without feelings. At least, that is how people sometimes treat each other.

One of the best examples is the concept of ghosting . In order to avoid having to tell someone that you want to stop, or that you are no longer interested, ghosting seems like the perfect solution.

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This is the ghosting scenario

Together with your future partner, you have had your third date and for you it is a match made in heaven . Words fail to describe your feelings, but the smile on your face speaks volumes. While you are secretly dreaming about the wedding, you already want to plan the fourth date. You grab your agenda and send a proposal for next Friday. “Friday; you, me, sushi?”

Strange, half a day later still no response. Maybe busy at work? You try again the next day, see that the message has been read, but again no response . You decide to call, but you are pushed away. Desperate, you send a message every day. But no matter what you send, there is no response. In a moment of clarity it suddenly dawns on you; you are the victim of ghosting.

How would you feel?

Ghosting is an impersonal way of saying you don’t want to date anymore. Whether you’re turned off by the mess in the other person’s home, hygiene, or table manners, ghosting allows you to avoid telling the truth. It’s quick, easy, and if you keep at it, the desperate messages will eventually stop.

How this feels for the other person is not considered. The other side of the coin is that you no longer give someone who is very interested in you a look. This is what ghosting means:

• It is selfish; your own happiness comes first, the interests of others are neglected.
• It’s hard: the other person can’t close it off, you don’t give a reason.
• It’s cowardly: you don’t have the guts to tell the truth.

How should it be done then?

Technology has made today’s singles colder with their cold online persona. It is often forgotten that there is a real person on the other end of the line waiting for a message. Treat others as you would like to be treated? The golden rule from the Bible exists for a reason. When you tell someone that you do not want to continue, it is about the following:

• you don’t want to make yourself feel guilty
• you want to be honest with others and yourself
• you don’t want to hurt the other person
• you want to look good yourself

The ghosting trend is here to stop. Everyone deserves an answer or a reason and you will have to deal with the guilt when someone is desperately trying to reach you. There is nothing more relieving than having those difficult and probably uncomfortable conversations when you just aren’t feeling it or the connection isn’t there . It not only gives closure to the other person but also to yourself. But how do you say you don’t want to date anymore or that you’re not interested?

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What to say

Age-old clichés can still be used today when you want to say goodbye to someone you’re dating in a mature way. The classic “it’s not you, it’s me” is a solution, but only if you add a real reason. The other person is a bit too busy for you, you don’t get butterflies in your stomach or you don’t have that pleasant feeling when you wake up in the morning; these are reasons you can honestly tell.

If you don’t want to continue with someone you’ve seen a few times, it’s still a good solution to say that you don’t feel the click. Maybe the other person does feel that and that’s why you can add the fact that you feel that way. No one can convince you that your own feeling is wrong. It’s also nice for the other person to know that it’s not his or her fault.

• Start with honesty: “I appreciate the time we spent together.”
• Say you need some time for yourself: “Right now, I need some personal space.”
• Mention that it is not the other person’s fault: “It is not you, it is where I am in life right now.”
• Emphasize the positive aspects: “I enjoyed the fun times we shared.”
• Be clear about your decision: “I think it’s better to stop dating.”
• Refer to personal goals: “I want to focus on my own goals.”
• Let it be known that it was not an easy choice: “This was a difficult decision for me.”
• Allow room for questions: “If you have any questions, I am open to discussing them.”
• Remember mutual respect: “I hope you understand and respect why I made this choice.”
• Emphasize personal growth: “I believe this will help me grow and get to know myself better.”
• Say that you are not ruling out friendship: “Maybe we can remain friends in the future.”
• Apologize for any hurt: “I’m sorry if this hurts you.”
• Show understanding: “I understand if you are disappointed by this decision.”
• Say you respect the other person: “I have a lot of respect for who you are as a person.”
• Let it be known that you took it lightly: “This is not an impulsive decision.”
• Emphasize that this doesn’t take anything away from the other person: “You’re still a great person.”
• Mention the importance of being honest: “I believe in honesty and openness in relationships.”
• Express that you both deserve the best: “We both deserve a relationship in which we are happy.”
• End with good wishes: “I wish you all the luck in the future.”
• Thank you for the time together: “Thank you for the beautiful moments we shared.”

Think about how you would like to hear it from someone. Do you want the other person to string you along for four weeks or would you rather know as soon as possible? Would you rather hear an announcement in advance like “we need to talk” or would you bring it up immediately and perhaps even unexpectedly? These are questions you can ask yourself. If you yourself would not like it, there is a good chance that the other person will feel the same way.

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What not to say

As a rule, you can tell the real reason if it is not a personal characteristic that the other person is ashamed of or cannot do anything about. Crooked teeth, a strange laugh or something else that bothers you? It is wise not to emphasize it. Besides the fact that there is no point in mentioning it, you only hurt the other person. A physical shortcoming can become an even bigger problem because you had to tell them.

When telling someone you ’re not interested anymore , gentle language is still the best way to go. Are you surprised by the brown toothbrush and pizza slices under the couch? You don’t have to go into detail. Honestly telling them you’re looking for someone with a different lifestyle is a better approach. That way, you can mention the things that irritate you to death in a sweet and gentle way so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings.

• Don’t say you found someone else: “I met someone else and don’t want to date anymore.”
• Don’t give false hope: “Maybe we can try again later.”
• Don’t attack the other person personally: “You’re just not good enough for me.”
• Avoid insensitive comments: “That was a waste of my time.”
• Don’t say it’s the other person’s fault: “You ruined everything in our relationship.”
• Avoid hurtful words: “I never really cared about you.”
• Don’t say it was for entertainment: “I never wanted to date seriously.”
• Don’t be blunt or rude: “I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
• Avoid meaningless apologies: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know why I don’t want this.”
• Don’t say you lied: “I never really liked you.”
• Try not to shift blame: “It’s your fault it didn’t work.”
• Avoid comparing yourself to others: “My ex was so much better than you.”
• Don’t fall back on clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
• Avoid excessive negativity: “I dislike a lot of the things you do.”
• Don’t attack the other person’s feelings: “You’re really exaggerating.”

No one is to blame if one of you loses interest; not you and not the other. You don’t have to blame yourself or apologize. If you lose interest, that’s just the way it is. It’s part of dating; it happens .

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When you don’t have to say it

If you and your date both feel the same way about it, then it doesn’t have to be said out loud. This is the case if a date wasn’t special and both of you don’t really want to continue. For example, you send a message after the date that it was nice, followed by a short response from the other; this was the last contact. If the other person doesn’t send you a message in the following days and you don’t either, then it’s a mutual choice.

When the other person does not accept it

There are situations where the person you are in contact with cannot accept that you do not want to continue. “Come on, the next date will be much better!” or “I’m not letting you go now, let’s talk about it on Saturday?”. Some singles have a blindfold on their head. Say again that you are not interested and do not let them persuade you to try again. If you give in, the floodgates will open. It is perhaps the only situation where no one will judge you if you ghost.

It’s tempting to avoid the “I’m not interested anymore” conversation, but it’s actually the only way to end things. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but by avoiding the conversation, you’re only making things worse. Be honest about how you feel so that the other person has no other option than to accept your reason. Honesty is usually appreciated and helps both you and the other person move on with your own lives.

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