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You get out of the car and glance at your reflection in the window before walking to the front door. It’s the umpteenth time you’ve been to Tom’s house, and you’re slowly starting to wonder why you’ve never met his friends or family. In fact, his Facebook status still says “Single,” even though you’ve been dating for three months. You think: tonight is the time to bring this up. You knock on the door and Tom opens it with his signature smile, completely oblivious to the serious conversation you have in mind.
After having eaten something together, the moment has arrived. You take a deep breath and say: ‘Hey Tom, I really like you, but why have I never met your friends or family?’ He looks at you for a moment and answers somewhat evasively: ‘We haven’t been together that long, have we? It will come.’ The unrest in your stomach grows, because you have the feeling that you are being deliberately hidden from the outside world. But why? And is this now the so-called stashing ?
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Wat is stashing?
The dating landscape is full of new words these days. Maybe you thought you had just gotten a handle on the concept of “ghosting,” and bam. There’s another new term doing the rounds: “stashing.” You might be wondering, what the hell is this? And why is it happening to you? Stashing is a dating term that describes the situation where you are skillfully hidden from the outside world.
Stashing comes from the English word for “keeping something in a safe place,” and unfortunately, that “something” in this scenario is you. Don’t be alarmed, this phenomenon isn’t new, it just didn’t have a trendy label yet. If your sweetheart isn’t introducing you to friends, family, or even the mailman, you’ve probably been stashed.
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How it works
Imagine this: You’ve been dating this person for months now. You know their favorite restaurants, the titles of the shows you watch together, and even the quirky names of their houseplants—hello, Bob, the ficus. And yet, strangely enough, you’ve only gotten as far into your lover’s life as the living room. At most, you’ve been able to say a fleeting “hi” to the roommates during an awkward hallway encounter. As for their parents and friends? They remain a mystery.
You’re being sold excuses like “It’s too early” or “Let’s wait a little longer.”
These phrases start to play like an annoying mantra in your head every time you’re sent away without an introduction to someone who matters in your new love’s life. So while you’re introducing yourself to the houseplants, you, ironically, remain a mystery to the rest of the world.
Stashing is the clever trick that makes you good enough for cozy nights on the couch, but not for the family photo. It’s a way to keep yourself “safe,” away from the eyes of the people who matter to your partner. And therein lies the problem: you’re kept like a well-kept secret, while you wonder what you actually mean to the other person.
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Why are you being stashed?
Stashing is a perfect example of the uncertain dynamic of dating : you have the benefits of a relationship, but none of the certainties. You’ve done everything you can to make it clear that you’re ready to take the next step, but apparently the message hasn’t gotten through. By keeping you in this “friends-but-not-friends” zone, your partner is able to leave everything open-ended, as if anything is possible. Your partner, the “stasher,” is comfortable keeping you there, so the label on your relationship is still vague.
This type of behavior is a way for your partner to enjoy the benefits of a (live-apart) relationship without the actual commitment and responsibilities that come with a serious relationship. In other words, you are seen as a compromise: good enough to spend time with, but not good enough to truly be a part of their life. Good enough for the couch, not good enough for the family photo. It is a game of half-hearted commitment that makes it painfully clear that you are not a priority.
To be honest, sometimes it can hurt a lot more than when someone completely ignores you, aka ghosting . The bottom line is that this “stashing” behavior should make you think seriously about your relationship, because the signs are clear: you and the relationship are not high on your partner’s list of priorities.
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What you can do about it
If you are in this situation and you are wondering: what now? You actually have two clear options: confront or simply pull the plug. The first step is to sit down with your partner in private and ask them directly what is going on. No beating around the bush, just straight up. You demand clarity, maybe even a little respect. If nothing changes after this conversation, if you are still the nameless extra in the background, then you go for plan B. By that we mean: dump them, and fast .
Because if your partner isn’t serious about you, why waste your time? Life is too short for half-baked romances. You deserve someone who is proud to be seen with you, who introduces you to their friends, family, and even their annoying neighbor. No one deserves to live in the shadow of someone else’s life. So ask yourself this: doesn’t that apply double and triple to you?
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