What is Playing Hard to Get: How and Why You Should Do It

As you’re loading the dishwasher, you see a notification of an incoming message. You want to reply immediately, but you stand your ground – you want to show that you’re not so easy to win over. You play the game of unavailability with professional finesse. You carefully ignore every text for at least a few hours, and when the person asks you out, you “have to check your calendar first.” But as you do, you notice that every declined invitation and ignored message makes his interest waver, to the point where he decides, confused and hurt, that this dance is too complicated for him. And that’s not really what you want: you’re playing hard to get to provoke him, not to scare him away.

Play hard to get if you want to drive someone crazy about you. It’s a piece of relationship advice we’ve all been given at one time or another. In theory, it’s flawless and seems highly effective, but what about in practice? Is it really that effective and does it get you where you want to go?

What is playing hard to get?

Playing hard to get is a way to get the immediate advantage in almost any relationship, whether it’s a personal one or a business connection. And this advantage is why it’s a popular dating tactic to make yourself seem more attractive or desirable.

With your behavior you make it seem as if the demand for you is greater than the reality. And by doing so you increase your attractiveness and value as a partner. This is in short why you play hard-to-get:

1. To increase the demand for yourself.
2. To make someone want you more.
3. Gauging the interest of a potential partner.
4. Testing willingness to commit to you.

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How do you play hard to get?

It seems simple, playing hard to get. But it isn’t. Playing hard to get requires finesse, timing and perfect balance. It’s actually an art form; a skill that takes time to learn. And it can be played in many different ways, making it a complex tactic .

An in-depth 2013 study titled “Playing Hard-to-Get: Manipulating One’s Perceived Availability as a Mate” examines playing hard to get from many angles. This study is considered the “holy grail” of research on the topic of “playing hard to get.” This comprehensive study examines the behavior of the people who play hard, their reasons for doing it, and the effect it has on potential partners.

So, thanks to this research, we get a good insight into what everyone does when they play hard to get. For example, 58 types of behavior are mentioned that people use when they play hard to get. Here are some of them:

• Be confident, tell little about yourself and don’t show much emotion.
• Talking to other people, flirting with them, or even dating other people.
• Accidentally touching the other person, but otherwise showing no physical affection and abstaining from sex.
• Being sarcastic but friendly; teasing , playing games and teasing.
• Making others work for your attention and letting them chase you.
• Staying active, staying busy and prioritizing other things.
• Flirting but then stopping; giving attention but then disappearing.
• Not seeming interested or attracted.
• Waiting a long time to respond to phone calls and messages, or not responding at all.

The 5 basic elements

And these are just a few examples of the ‘hard-to-get’ behavior that people exhibit. In other words, there are countless ways to play hard-to-get, there are plenty of tactics and strategies to choose from. All of these behaviors can be combined into a number of general tactics. These are the five basic elements of playing hard-to-get according to the research:

1. Limited Availability.
2. To appear busy.
3. Difficult to get in touch with.
4. Seeking attention but then ignoring it.
5. Show interest at first and then less and less.

When you should do this

Playing hard to get can be done in all situations, but it is especially beneficial if you want to be seen as ‘ relationship material ‘ and are therefore looking for a permanent partner. This is the result of the selectivity you exercise; by playing hard to get you show that you are selective and will not just settle for someone you do not like. You make yourself suitable for a relationship, as confirmed by research.

On the other hand, it is not effective for a quick hookup . Why? Because those who want sex in the short term are not interested in investing a substantial amount of time or energy. If you try too hard, they will try someone else.

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The ‘hard-to-get’ effect

A study looked at the effect of playing hard to get on how you are rated as a date, sex partner, and relationship partner. Participants in the study were asked to rate their interest based on several scenarios involving potential partners who were described as easy-to-get, hard-to-get, and medium-to-get.

The results showed that both men and women prefer easy-to-get partners for casual dating and one-night stands . For a date or relationship, they prefer someone who is at least medium-to-get. And that’s not so strange. Who wants a relationship with someone who is easy to score? Hard-to-get is therefore linked to the desire for a long-term relationship, and that is also when you can best use the tactic.

Do women really do it?

Girlfriends tell each other that playing hard to get is the way to drive a man crazy about you. And you probably read that in the magazines you read. But do women really do this? Fairly recent research from 2019 sheds light on this debatable topic and it shows that women generally do not play hard to get at all . This is one of the conclusions of the research published in the journal Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences .

Women do tend to fake interest in sex , so that they appear more interested in sex than they really are. But they don’t play hard to get.

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From hard- to easy-to-get

For the study, 435 students were asked by means of a survey about when they last met a potential sexual partner. The students were asked to rate the interest of the potential sexual partner and how (sexually) attracted they felt during this encounter. In addition, questions were asked about the sexual signals sent and received during the interaction. Based on these questions and the subsequent analysis, the researchers came to a clear conclusion: women do not play hard to get, at least not as often as we think.

The researchers found no evidence that the women in the study were limiting their signals of sexual interest. In fact, they tended to act slightly more interested in sex than they actually were. This could even mean that women are more likely to play easy-to-get than hard-to-get, the study found.

What this means for men

As a man, do you feel like that cute girl is deliberately ignoring you because you’re so wildly attractive? Chances are she’s not playing hard to get at all, but simply not interested in you . And maybe that’s because she thinks you don’t seem that interested either. According to the research, men do the opposite. They pretend to be less interested in sex than they actually are.

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Why Playing Hard to Get Works

Playing hard to get gives you the ‘power’ in the relationship, as a direct result of your behavior. But why and how? What makes playing hard to get so extremely effective? The basis of this power lies in human nature. As humans, we want what we can’t have – it’s in our nature. And this is what the ‘hard to get’ tactic is based on. The theory of playing hard to get changes the dynamics of the budding relationship in these three ways:

1. The law of scarcity

The mechanism of supply and demand applies to various aspects of your life. This applies to the iPhone you put up for sale on Marktplaats, the supply of electricity in your home, but also to the price of diamonds. Based on this mechanism, the price goes up when something becomes scarce and down when it is in abundance. If you play hard-to-get, you use this invisible mechanism to make yourself scarcer. And that makes you more desirable and increases your attractiveness .

How?

You don’t respond to messages you receive right away. After all, you have more to do than wait for a message. And you’re not available at all times. You have more fun things to do and you don’t scream for attention. You decline appointments, seem uninterested or respond nonchalantly to any form of interest; they have to fight for your attention. And this makes them appreciate you even more when you’re there and crave you even more when you’re not.

2. The Impossible and the Reward

Let’s face it, the best things in life are unattainable. Whether it’s a yacht with a crew, or a Ferrari in your driveway: many dream about it, almost nobody can achieve it. Something with a lot of value is therefore seen as unattainable by many people. And this concept of ‘the impossible’ is used as a dating tactic when you play hard-to-get.

How?

You don’t act like you need them. And you don’t show that you want to be accepted or appreciated. What do they think of you? It doesn’t matter, because you are you – a catch . You are the prize and in the eyes of the other person you are the yacht or the Ferrari, the unattainable that is suddenly within reach. This is what you do when you play hard to get. You give yourself more value. And when they see that you give yourself this value, they are willing to work harder for the ultimate reward. That reward is you.

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3. Hurting vs. Enthusiastic

Playing hard to get is not easy if you do not have this skill naturally. After all, you are acting too different from how you ‘normally’ are. You are forcing it. And then you run the risk of making mistakes. If you go too far with your behavior, you will achieve the opposite of your goal. You will hurt the person who wants to start something with you instead of making them excited about you.

You don’t want the other person to feel bad about themselves because of your behavior. Contrary to popular belief, this tactic is not about hurting others. You want to make them excited about you. That means giving them hope , the feeling that you are reachable, if they put in the effort.

How?

The basis of playing hard to get is that you are not an easy target. You let the other person fight for your attention continuously, without hurting the other person in the process. And you do that by behaving the way you would with someone you are not interested in. You sometimes respond to messages and sometimes you don’t. Or you only meet up when there is nothing better to do. And if a meeting is made, it is not on your initiative.

This attitude challenges the other person and makes them see you as more attractive. As a result, they want to win you over. So you are not rude or arrogant, but unpredictable, exciting and challenging – you are hard-to-get.

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