Jealousy in a Relationship: What Is It, What Causes It, and How to Deal with Jealousy?

Jealousy is a strong emotion that you have undoubtedly encountered. Either you are the jealous type who wants to do something about it or you have (had) a partner who has jealous traits; jealousy is common in love relationships. In one relationship, the partners give each other the freedom to do whatever they want, in another relationship, every form of freedom is restricted by a jealous partner. What exactly is jealousy, what causes it and how do you deal with it in a relationship?

What is jealousy?

Perhaps when you think of the term ‘blinds’ you think of the sun blinds on your windows, but it also has another meaning. Jealousy is the name for the emotion or state of mind that involves thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety. When you are jealous, you experience emotions such as anger, helplessness, and disgust. You may also feel resentment toward someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived benefits.

Jealousy happens to everyone, just to varying degrees. It is a typical experience in human relationships and is even observed in half-year-old babies. 

The green monster

Popularly, jealousy is often combined with the color green. For example, you can ‘see green with jealousy’, but jealous behavior is also labeled as the ‘green monster’. The use of the color green in combination with blinds goes back many years. William Shakespeare first speaks of the “green-eyed monster” in the play Othello. In the Renaissance, emotions and personal qualities were often indicated by color.  For jealousy this meant the color green.

“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock.” – Othello³

Jealousy vs envy

Most people often use jealousy and envy interchangeably, as synonyms for the same feelings. A typical case of envy is often translated into jealous behavior. Envy is, for example, a relative lack of possessions, such as someone having more money than the other, differences in status or something of great personal value. In a relationship, there is often no envy, but jealous behavior can occur at the same time.

What causes jealousy?

It is said that jealousy is a natural human trait, as if it is programmed into our brain. It goes deep to the core of who a person is with deep-rooted feelings and emotions that cannot be changed quickly.

Experts believe that sexual jealousy is a biological necessity. They believe it is part of a mechanism by which people secure access to the best mates, with reproduction in mind. The well-hidden feelings and emotions that cause the jealous behavior are often caused by these factors.

• Bad experiences in the past
• Unrealistic expectations about how a relationship works in general
• Unrealistic expectations about the relationship
• A misplaced view of ownership over a partner
• Separation anxiety 
• Compulsion to check
• Low self-esteem 
• Insecurity
• Emotional instability
• Dependence on partner 
• Possessiveness 
• Fear of losing something or someone

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Jealousy in a relationship

In the case of jealousy within a relationship, you can see it as a fierce protection of your rights or possessions. You become jealous because on some level you believe that he or she is yours, or that the other person owes your time and attention. 

You are afraid of losing your partner, which brings up jealous feelings. These forms of jealousy can ultimately lead to dangerous behavior. Whether you are the jealous partner or your partner is jealous, irrational jealousy can ultimately destroy your relationship.

Healthy jealousy

A little jealousy is comforting and perhaps even healthy for a relationship. In healthy relationships, feelings of jealousy are mild and intermittent. These fleeting emotions serve as reminders not to take each other’s presence for granted. In fact, telling your partner you’re “a little jealous” is often seen as sweet.

In small doses, jealousy can have a positive effect on a relationship. It shows that you care about the other person. It is a different story if the jealousy is frequent, intense and irrational.

When does someone become jealous?

Jealousy tends to show up in a number of typical situations. Most people who have experience recognize these situations like no other:

• You mention an ex
• You have received a DM from someone of the opposite sex
• You text with a colleague of the opposite sex
• You scroll through your social media timeline in bed and look at photos of others
• You look back when an attractive person walks by
• You talk about someone of the opposite sex you met/spoke to
• You go out alone with your friends
• You laugh the hardest at a joke from someone of the opposite sex
• You flirt a little too much on social media
• You have a friend of the opposite sex
• You suddenly have to work overtime

Example

You’re on a second date and everything seems to be going smoothly. While you think things can’t get any worse, your date starts talking about that funny colleague again. This colleague also came up during the first date . Now you even hear that they had dinner together last week and that something funny happened again.

You want to laugh, not to show that it affects you, but because your heart starts beating faster and your palms sweat, you are overwhelmed by your thoughts. Listening is no longer possible, you feel insecure and you wonder what is going on:

• Could it be an ex-boyfriend?
• Why am I being told this?
• Am I compared to the other?
• Am I ‘better’ than the other?
• Does he/she have feelings for the other?
• Did they kiss?
• Have they had sex?

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These seven questions are just a small sample of what goes through most people’s minds. It’s the classic scenario where jealous emotions are almost unavoidable. What follows is an endless series of negative thoughts, emotions and actions that are collectively called jealousy.

Jealousy in practice

How someone deals with jealous feelings and thoughts differs per person but also per situation. What has happened largely determines how jealous someone reacts and the way in which this person does so. No person is the same, which means that jealousy manifests itself differently in everyone. These are a number of examples that scientists have compiled:

• Avoidance/Denial: becoming silent, pretending nothing is wrong.
• Interrogation: express feelings, calmly question partner.
• Active distance: declining affection.
• Negative expression of affection: venting frustration, crying, or sulking.
• Distributive communication: acting rudely, making hurtful comments.
• Violent communication: using physical force.
• Surveillance/Restriction: Observing rival, trying to limit contact with partner.
• Rivals contact: confronting the rival.
• Manipulation attempts: games to test loyalty, trying to make partner feel guilty.
• Compensation: send flowers to partner.
• Violent behavior: slamming doors.

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9 tips for dealing with jealousy

No matter how experienced you are with dating and how many partners you have had, jealous feelings are always there. Unfortunately, there is no way to never be jealous again. That strange feeling of insecurity will always play a role, but you can minimize it.

The techniques below can help you reduce your jealousy to a level where it doesn’t negatively impact your dating and relationships.

1. Learn to control it

Just like the saying ‘first think, then act’, it is important to realize when you are jealous. It’s tempting to start off by scolding your partner and then think that you may have overreacted. The first step is to acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of jealousy. What you feel at that moment are just emotions, nothing more. Your partner hasn’t done anything wrong yet, so you don’t have to respond to it.

2. Enjoy the moment

People staying together for their entire lives is becoming a rare phenomenon. Maybe your grandparents managed it, but nowadays this is quite unique. The number of divorces is increasing, couples are throwing in the towel more often. Until death do us part is no longer the standard. If there’s a good chance that you’ve grown tired of each other at some point, why not enjoy the time you spend together to the fullest?

Suppose you go on holiday for 10 days to an idyllic island that you have always dreamed of. You can completely relax from the tropical experience on the bounty island, but you can also complain at any time of the day that it is almost over. When are you happiest? A relationship is no different. Learn to enjoy the moments when your partner is with you, instead of worrying about things that could spell the end.

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3. Remember that you are the lucky one

No matter how you look at it, you can’t expect anyone to only find you attractive and no one else. Men simply look back when a beautiful woman walks past, but this does not mean that this woman is more attractive than their own partner. The same applies to women, only they do not wring their necks, but do it inconspicuously.

In other words, there are always attractive people being looked at. That doesn’t mean these people are more attractive than you. For your partner, you are the only one who matters at that moment, otherwise your partner wouldn’t be there with you. Learn to accept that interest in other people is normal and that it says nothing about you or your relationship.

4. Work on your problems

Why some people get jealous is because of how others have treated them in the past. If this sounds familiar, then something happened in your past that made you distrust not your partner, but partners in general. You may have been rejected while dating, unsuccessful in your partner choices, or cheated on someone else . In this case, the reason why you are jealous is not due to your partner but to yourself. This means that if you want to stop being so jealous, no one else has to solve this but yourself.

5. You are not the owner

Slavery has been prohibited in the Netherlands since 1863, but some people still think that a partner is a form of property.  In reality, you cannot own a partner and this means that you cannot fully control anyone.

Those who are jealous on a regular basis tend to feel this way and feel justified in behaving this way towards their partner. By claiming and smothering your partner with all sorts of rules, you damage the relationship and only make it worse.

The fact is that you cannot control someone else’s emotions, feelings and behaviour. Suppose your partner is a fanatic Frans Bauer fan, but you go completely crazy when ‘Een dag uitduizend dromen’ resounds through the room. You present your partner with a definitive choice; either Frans out or me. It is unlikely that the love for Dutch music will suddenly disappear. It is even likely that your partner will secretly listen to Frans’ music.

Jealousy is no different. When you treat your partner as property, you force him or her to make a choice that cannot be made. The harder you make it, the worse for the relationship, the more likely they are to resist and eventually leave.

6. Stop the controlling behavior

Do you check every day which photos your partner has liked, do you secretly check your smartphone when your partner is sleeping or do you track your partner’s location? All these actions serve to reassure you, but also make the jealousy worse. When you are looking for something, you want to find it. If you can’t find it, you keep looking until you find it.

If you want to be less jealous, you stop all the controlling actions that have become part of your daily routine. The more you exhibit this behavior, the more you continue to feed your jealousy.

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7. Sleep on it

Are you about to fire a series of texts at your partner? Then sleep on it first. Although opinions are divided as to whether a night’s sleep actually helps, everyone knows that you are less angry the next day after a disagreement the night before. ¹¹ The same goes for your feelings of jealousy and the thoughts that drive you crazy.

Wait a day before you speak out about your emotions. Chances are that the strong jealous emotions will have disappeared and you will be better able to approach the situation appropriately.

8. Talk about feelings and rules

Anyone who knows that jealous behavior can cause conflict in a relationship would do well to discuss this openly and honestly with their partner. It often helps a lot to set some ground rules for the relationship, about what behavior is okay and what is not. These rules apply not only to your partner but also to yourself.

For example, both are not allowed to meet someone of the opposite sex if the partner does not know. Informing each other about a drink with a colleague is enough to avoid a serious argument.

Talking to your partner about your feelings and emotions can prevent many relationship problems. ¹² If your partner does not know what makes you jealous, then your partner cannot help you suppress these feelings. You may become angry at someone who, in your own eyes, is not doing anything wrong. By looking for the underlying reasons and sharing them with your partner, you can learn to deal with jealousy.

9. Realize that there is life after the relationship

Many jealous people try to hold on to the relationship as if it is the only thing of value in life. What these people forget is that there is life before and after the relationship. People secretly cheat, disappear into nothingness, and couples grow apart. That is life.

The relationship may be an important part of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live without it. You won’t be left lonely forever if your relationship ends . Every year, hundreds of thousands of Dutch people register on dating apps and websites, ready to start a new relationship. Realize that there is already someone on Tinder or Lexa waiting for you to be single again.

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