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Are you wondering if you’re dating a psychopath? Statistically speaking, that’s not so crazy. It is estimated that approximately 1 in 100 people is a psychopath, comparable to the percentage of teachers in the general population. It may sound like a scene from a horror movie, but it is possible that you are dating a psychopath.
Most people have an image of the classic psychopath as a murderer who enjoys the pain of others. Movies create and confirm the image of a bloodthirsty character. When talking about a psychopath, the Joker as the regular ‘Batman’ enemy, the charismatic Patrick Bateman from the movie ‘Psycho’ or the cunning Hannibal Lecter from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ quickly come to mind.
Although we associate psychopaths with heinous crimes such as murder, rape and sadistic practices, this is not always the case. In reality, most psychopaths live normal lives among us.
How do you know if you are chatting or dating a psychopath? Fortunately, research has been done on psychopathic traits. If you can recognize these psychopathic characteristics and traits, you can find out whether or not you are in a (starting) relationship with a psychopath.
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4 Important signals
Psychopathic personality disorder has been known for many years and therefore we know that these people behave differently from “normal” people. 1 According to Calli Tzani Pepelasi , lecturer in Investigative Psychology at Huddersfield University, psychopathy is associated with persistent antisocial behavior, reduced empathy and risk-taking. Psychopaths are mean, impulsive and have extremely selfish qualities.
All these characteristics are negative, but as you may already know, psychopaths also have positive qualities . For example, psychopaths are good at reading people, pay attention to details and start conversations easily. That sounds a lot better.
Because they are so perfectionistic and creative, psychopaths can also be successful professionals. These are four important signs that can tell you that you are (possibly) dealing with a psychopath.
They want control
A psychopath may be intent on destroying your self-confidence in order to gain more control over you. Research shows that psychopaths often use a technique called gaslighting , a way to destroy your self-confidence which leads to extreme self-doubt. All this to gain complete control over you.
They use manipulation
Psychopaths have a natural urge to study the behavior of others. They can then use this knowledge skillfully to control the other. If you confront the psychopath with it, the manipulative behavior is denied. Instead of addressing the inappropriate behavior, the ball is bounced back. It is somehow always your fault that you see it this way and not from the perfection of him or her.
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They have no empathy
When you start a relationship with a psychopath, the lack of conscience, guilt or remorse is extremely difficult to deal with. For example, there is a higher chance of cheating on someone with a high level of psychopathy. If they actually do that, they often don’t even feel bad about it. One of the clear signs of psychopathy is the lack of empathy; the psychopath is cold-blooded.
There are signs that they may choose to ignore it, as if they have an emotional on/off switch. But don’t expect it to change. Research suggests that this is just how psychopaths’ brains work.
They lie
Another trait that can make it clear that you are dating a psychopath are lies. Do you feel like you’re being lied to but can’t quite put your finger on it? Pathological lying is one of the typical traits of the psychopath.
If you end up in a relationship with a psychopath, they will not hesitate to lie to hide their own behavior and achieve their own goals. In other words, a psychopath can repeatedly deceive you to cover up the truth.
Checklist: test it yourself
If you don’t know what a psychopath does, this person can slip through your life unnoticed. The psychopath is sympathetic, friendly and overly charming. But if you are unlucky enough to get too close, the nightmare will unfold. What starts as a fairy tale slowly turns into an incomprehensible mess of games and chaos. Are you wondering if you are dating or even in a relationship with a psychopath?
The Hare Psychopathy Checklist is the standard test used to identify someone as a psychopath. You can test yourself or someone else using these 20 questions.
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20 questions
- Do you have smooth talk or superficial charm?
- Do you have a high sense of self-esteem?
- Do you have a strong need to be stimulated?
- Are you a pathological liar?
- Do you ever scam someone or are you manipulative?
- Do you never show remorse or feel guilt?
- Do you never show your emotions?
- Are you insensitive or lacking empathy?
- Do you have a parasitic lifestyle?
- Do you find it difficult to control your own behavior?
- Do you have a history of an exuberant sex life?
- Did you have behavioral problems ‘in the past’ when you were young?
- Do you lack long-term goals?
- Are you impulsive?
- Are you irresponsible?
- Do you never take responsibility for your own actions?
- Have you had many short relationships?
- Did you exhibit criminal behavior in your youth?
- Have you ever been granted parole and had it revoked?
- Do you show ‘criminal versatility’?
What is your score?
For each question you can earn points 0, 1 or 2 points. Answer the questions and write down the number of points after each question:
- Yes = 2 points
- Sometimes or a little = 1 point
- No = 0 points
Add up the points you scored and write down the total. The result is a score from 0 to 40. 7 Do you or the person you are calculating it for score more than 30 points? Then you or the other person is probably a psychopath .
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Relationship with a psychopath
As the partner of a psychopath, you quickly discover that it will not be a stable relationship. It’s hard work satisfying your partner’s constant need for stimulation and unrealistic long-term goals. Moreover, you walk on your toes so as not to do anything wrong that could be punished. The psychopath takes your energy and demands more from you than you can ever give. The empty soul of the true psychopath cannot be filled with anything.
That said, there are also people with psychopathic traits that are not so obvious. One signal that you are dealing with a psychopath means nothing. It involves a cluster of signals that can tell you that you are waking up next to a psychopath.
While many of these psychopathic traits are unpleasant, men and women seem to struggle with different things when living with a psychopathic partner. Women are more likely to resent their partner’s behavior and gradually end the relationship , while men are more likely to experience an increased fear of rejection as a result of their partner’s impulsive behavior.
A psychopath is still able to maintain a relationship with all these strange traits. They just experience the relationship differently and in their own way. They feel pain just like everyone else, can feel lonely, have longings and sadness if they do not receive affection . Dating a psychopath isn’t for everyone, but as the saying goes; every pot will find its lid.
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