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In an ideal relationship you give as much as you get. It’s in balance. You do the dishes while your partner waters the plants. This balance goes beyond household chores. You can give your partner a dozen compliments every day , while you might receive one a month. As we all learn, the balance between two partners is sometimes difficult to find.
For example, you show much more affection to your partner than the other way around. This makes you doubt whether your partner loves you enough. You are committed to the relationship and do everything you can to make it work. But to your annoyance, your partner doesn’t seem to care much about the relationship. Does this sound familiar? Then you are probably in an asymmetrical relationship, as scientists call it.
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What is an asymmetric relationship?
When we talk about a healthy love relationship in the Netherlands , it is about an equal relationship, in which you and your partner are equal and have the same say. This is a symmetrical relationship. As you probably expect, an asymmetric relationship is the opposite. An asymmetrical relationship is unequal; one partner is more dependent on the relationship than the other.
This situation, also known as an ‘asymmetrically committed relationship’ and abbreviated to ACR, occurs when you love your partner more than the other way around. Or if you are more committed to the relationship than your partner. Scientists at the Family Process Institute define this as “a relationship in which there is a clear difference in the commitment of the partners.” It’s a fancy way of saying that he or she is “just not that into you.”
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Principe of Least Interest
The background of this relationship characteristic comes from a theory called “Principle of Least Interest”, developed by sociologist Willard Wallar. 1 Loosely translated, this stands for the concept of least interest; the one who is least interested in the relationship has the most control. This is the reason why some singles play ‘hard to get’, so as not to appear desperate and lose control.
Answering messages too quickly, not paying attention to the person you are crazy about, or pretending not to be interested are all examples of this theory. This is manifested when you constantly receive compliments from someone while you have no romantic interest in this person. When the compliments stop, you suddenly feel attracted to this person. How is that possible? Whoever shows the least interest in the relationship has the power, according to the Principle of Least Interest.
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How come?
To find out why some partners are less dependent on the relationship, a study surveyed 315 unmarried couples. All of these couples had an asymmetrical relationship , where one partner had less commitment to the relationship than the other. The researchers decided to apply Wallar’s theory to find out which types of people are more likely to be the less committed partner and thus maintain control in these love relationships. 2
Who was the least interested partner according to the research? The results show that these people are more likely to be the least interested party:
- Someone who thinks there are more potential partners
- Someone who has had more partners
- Someone who has cheated
- Someone whose parents were never married
Remarkably, it does not matter whether the parents are divorced, while unmarried parents do seem to have an effect. Conversely, fewer similarities were found with the partner who was more committed to the relationship. What does increase the chance of ending up in this situation is fear of commitment. Partners with a fear of commitment were more likely to be the most interested party in the asymmetrical relationship.
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