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The film Runaway Bride dates back to 1999, but anyone who has seen it will remember how Maggie Carpenter, the bride in question played by Julia Roberts, fails to show up at the altar no less than three times. 1 None other than Richard Gere plays the role of the columnist Ike who is quite critical of Maggie’s love life. And that doesn’t go down well with the fickle woman.
Tying yourself to a partner forever, that seems to be a bit too much for some people. Although many people do not want to give up their sense of freedom, for others the problem lies much deeper. That is why we will discuss with you what gamophobia is and what the causes are exactly.
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What is gamophobia?
To immediately bring up the origins of the term gamophobia: it comes from a Greek word (like many terms in relationship therapy). In this case it concerns the word gámos which again stands for marriage. Gamophobia can thus be considered an extreme form of fear of relationships.
Fear of commitment itself is of course a somewhat better known expression and can also be described as a relationship phobia or relationship anxiety. In fact, fear of commitment is not so strange at all, because we all worry sometimes about the consequences of a relationship or in a more extreme form: a marriage.
We already gave a somewhat extreme example of Runaway Bride in the introduction and that may go against the general idea of ​​gamophobia. While women would already be thinking about a family, it is the men who just can’t wake up from hunting mode.
Yet nowadays we see that women are also increasingly struggling with gamophobia. We find the cause of this in emancipation. More and more women have become economically independent and that means much more freedom. Also in relationships.
Symptoms/characteristics
Gamophobia is not only an annoying word, but it doesn’t help that it is also extremely difficult to recognize. In a relationship, you notice it when people make a fuss about small things.
For example, think of excuses or simply not wanting to go to family and friends and no eye for or interest in future plans. Someone with gamophobia wants it not to go too fast; plans for the future are avoided, ignored and conversations about them lead to discussions and arguments.
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Fear of abandonment
Although it may be a bit difficult to imagine, gamophobia can be traced back to separation anxiety . This often arises in childhood due to a bad relationship with one or both parents. Negative experiences make it difficult for people to commit to someone later in life, simply because there is no room for trust. Fear of commitment therefore occurs not only in love relationships, but also in contact with friends and colleagues.
Too much fun in the single life
Of course, above we are of course playing the relationship therapist a little bit, because it is getting very deep. However, there are also enough people who have a fear of commitment for other reasons. For example, they do not want to commit themselves, because they enjoy the single life so much. After all, being single has a great many advantages .
It can be attractive, especially for someone who is well positioned in the market, to go through life as a single person. The large number of changing contacts can make it more difficult to commit to one person.
What are the consequences?
Roughly speaking, gamophobia causes relationships to work poorly or not at all. However, that does not mean the same as that there is no will to enter into a relationship. Often there is a desire, but the phobia ensures that someone does not dare to take that last step.
In addition, gamophobia is not recognized and acknowledged by everyone. We often don’t know where that restless feeling comes from. The link will only be made at a later stage.
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1. Postponing or ending relationships
In concrete terms, this fear prevents someone from finally sealing a relationship. Of course, there are nice contacts and even all the characteristics of a relationship (such as interest, love and affection) can be present. But as the moment approaches for a relationship to become official, an obstructive feeling sets in. This often leads to a permanent relationship being postponed and even to the termination of a relationship.
2. Back to bad memories
On a personal level, the moments when gamophobia is strongly felt can cause someone to be taken back to the unpleasant memories. Of course, gamophobia does not always have to stem from unpleasant childhood experiences, but if it does, it can cause the little boy or girl in you to react. In these cases, this happens aggressively or defensively instead of maturely and calmly.
3. In defense mode
This in turn ensures that you use a survival strategy on autopilot. You withdraw and keep your distance. The reason for this is that you don’t want to be too vulnerable. As a result, you prefer to keep your feelings to yourself as much as possible. Because if you keep your distance, you cannot be disappointed.
These people are convinced that they would do well if they did not make themselves vulnerable. And that is quite difficult on a relational level. Because to really enter into a relationship, both vulnerability and trust are needed.
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And the solutions?
For those who are dealing with gamophobia , it is important to get over that so-called critical point. But that is not so easy. The fear of marriage is a serious problem for which you can get help. Make use of it, if you cannot do it alone. If you have not had the fear for very long, there are ways to do something about it yourself. A number of tips that can help:
Be open about it
As we have often mentioned with relational problems, it is important to recognize the phobia and then acknowledge it. Only when you are honest, can you do something about it. And in a relationship, you also help the other person with that.
Therefore, ask yourself questions and make sure that all negative emotions disappear from your body. For that you need trust again and a listening ear. Don’t push away that helping hand, but accept it. Allow the sadness and emotion so that there is room for peace and compassion.
Don’t be too demanding
A common reason for fear of commitment is that there is always a better alternative. For example, you may already have someone you like, but your own stubbornness makes you think that there are better alternatives waiting for you.
Try to get rid of this thought. Of course you are allowed to have preferences, but be realistic. Do not postpone committing to someone, because you think you can get even better. To get rid of gamophobia, you need to provide peace. And ultimately also contentment.
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