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People in a relationship generally have sex with their partner. For many, that is part of having a love relationship. If you love each other, you will also go to bed with each other. But there are situations in which a relationship without sex occurs.
Sometimes this is from the beginning of the relationship, but it can also happen that a relationship with sex eventually turns into a relationship without sex. And that is often not even conscious or wanted. Most Dutch people consider sex to be a self-evident element of a love relationship; but what if a partner doesn’t want to do it?
Why people have relationships without sex ? If you’re wondering because you can’t imagine it, it’s good to know that these could be the causes.
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A sick partner
If you have a relationship without sex, it may be due to illness. If you or your partner have a condition that makes sex unpleasant or even impossible, then sex will go on a low flame and may eventually disappear altogether. How long such a situation without sex in the relationship lasts of course also depends on the nature of the illness.
If this is temporary, sex can be resumed after recovery. But if there is a chronic condition or a disease that is progressive, then there may well be no sex in the relationship at all.
A disability for you or your partner
Not all disabilities are congenital. For example, you can become disabled after an illness or accident. Suppose you suffer a spinal cord injury in an accident, this can mean that you can no longer have a sexual relationship with your partner. Unfortunately, there are relationships that fail for this reason.
The healthy partner then feels too much like someone who takes care of the other and an unequal situation arises. Some couples can deal with this just fine, but it can also lead to alienation and ultimately a relationship breakdown . Especially if a disability only occurs at a later age, this can take a heavy toll on the relationship.
But even if you enter into a relationship with someone who already has a disability, this can result in a relationship without sex, which ultimately no longer satisfies you.
When children come
If you and your partner have children, this often has consequences for sex. The woman will have less desire to have sex during her pregnancy and shortly after giving birth. Once the baby is there, your life changes drastically.
Night feedings, a crying baby and ailments can all affect your night’s sleep and therefore also your need for sex. And as the children grow up, some couples have the problem that they do not want to have sex if there is a risk that there will suddenly be a child in the bedroom.
You can solve this problem with a lock on the door, but nevertheless it often happens that couples find it less relaxing to have sex if they are no longer the only ones in the house.
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Problems during sex
A relationship without sex can also be the result of problems during sex. For example, the man can be impotent. If it doesn’t work out once, that may not be such a problem, but if this happens more often, the man will usually feel very insecure about it and will try to avoid sex.
Sex can be painful for a woman if she does not get enough lubrication during intercourse or suffers from vaginismus. If there are physical problems that have caused a couple to end up in a relationship without sex against their will, discussions with a sexologist or medical examination can sometimes provide a solution. There are also aids such as erection pills or lubricant available to make sex possible again or more pleasant.
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The relationship can become platonic
For most couples, the intense infatuation fades over time and turns into “ love ”. The relationship becomes calmer and the sex doesn’t have to be so intense and not every day. But this can also go too far.
Couples who have been together for a long time sometimes end up in an almost platonic relationship : they are more like good friends, or brother and sister, than there is a love relationship. If you want to prevent this, it is important to regularly take time for each other, ‘discover’ each other again and fall in love again .
A relationship without sex can work fine if you are both happy with it. Some couples who have been together for years no longer have the need for sex. If that applies to both of you and you are at peace with it, then there is of course nothing to worry about.
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What can you do in a relationship without sex?
If you are in a relationship without sex and you experience this as a problem, there are several things you can do. If there are no physical reasons but ‘it just doesn’t happen anymore’, you can, for example, do something fun more often as a couple or book a romantic holiday.
This trip doesn’t necessarily have to go to the Maldives: a weekend away in a romantic city like Paris can do wonders. During these days you can fully focus on each other. Leave the children at home, they often want to stay a few nights with grandpa and grandma or a friend. Go out for dinner together with a nice glass of wine and who knows, the romance may just come back.
If this is the solution for you, plan these kinds of trips regularly. It really doesn’t have to be every month, but if you take time for each other like this a few times a year, the chance of a relationship without sex is immediately a lot smaller.
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Seek help if there is a medical reason
If there is a clear medical reason for a relationship without sex, for example pain during intercourse, vaginismus or erectile dysfunction, seek help for this. You do not have to be embarrassed: a general practitioner and certainly a sexologist deals with people and couples who have problems during intercourse on a daily basis and will deal with this very professionally.
It is wise not to let a relationship without sex last too long if you have problems with it. It is wise to talk about this, and if that does not work together, it is not at all unusual to seek help from a psychologist or sexologist. Your GP can refer you for this. The consultations are usually reimbursed by your health insurance.
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