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You hear it from couples who are breaking up, from friends or you read it in an article; many people feel that there is a lack of intimacy in their relationship. And if you ask (or read) about it, you will find out that this “intimacy” is often associated with sex.
“She doesn’t want to have sex often enough” or “He wants sex, but nothing more.” In either case, you could chalk it up to a “lack of intimacy.” But intimacy in a relationship goes beyond the sexual acts between two partners.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is a form of connection with someone else. According to VanDale, it is equal to familiarity and coziness, such as the bond between romantic partners or good friends. And it is also used to refer to sexual relationships.
in·ti·mi·teit (de; v)
1 (plural: intimacies) confidentiality: unwanted intimacies advances, physical assault by men on women
2 conviviality
Having an intimate relationship with a friend, family member, or partner means being very open and vulnerable with this person. So if you are intimate with someone, it does not immediately mean that you have sex. It can also mean that you like to share your feelings and experiences with him or her, give or receive emotional support and interact in a casual way.
In short, intimacy is something that ‘happens’ when two people feel connected to each other. It is a relationship quality with mutual feelings of trust and emotional bonding towards each other. This ensures that you are able to openly share thoughts and feelings with each other.
Apart from sexual intimacy, there are many different forms of intimacy in a relationship. If you want to build a healthy and strong relationship , it is something you need to be aware of and work on. And that only works if you know what forms of intimacy there are. Here are the different types of intimacy, including examples and ways to work on them.
1. Physical intimacy
When we talk about intimacy, we often think of physical intimacy. Cuddling, kissing , holding hands: these are all ways to show physical intimacy to your loved one. For many people, the physical aspect is indispensable if they want to express love for someone else, show emotions or support their partner.
Tips for working on physical intimacy
A lack of physical intimacy? It is a problem that many couples struggle with, although it is not a problem for every couple. The reason behind it is in most cases complex: an accumulation of experiences and emotions. But it all started somewhere.
Try to find out the real reasons behind the lack of physical intimacy. To do this, you need to remember your own reactions and those of your partner and decipher why you and your partner react in a certain way. It helps a lot to talk about it directly, without beating around the bush: an open and honest conversation with the goal of solving it.
2. Sexual intimacy
Although it may be considered part of physical intimacy, this form of intimacy is important enough to warrant a separate mention: sexual intimacy. Sex is more than two body parts coming into contact with each other. Sexual intimacy is about sharing thoughts and feelings about sex, as well as about sex itself. But it doesn’t have to lead to sex. For example, you can watch an erotic film together or have intimate conversations that make you sexually aroused.
Tips to work on sexual intimacy
Sexual intimacy means more than sex. It is more than just meeting natural needs. It’s about understanding the other person sexually. In most cases you can only achieve this by talking about it. While sexual topics are still taboo in many relationships, talking about them would go a long way to improving sexual intimacy in your relationship. 3
For example, avoid any form of distraction during sex with your partner, in order to be able to fully focus on your sexual partner. Discover the needs and desires of your partner, but also of yourself. Share your preferences and wishes honestly with your partner, so that the relationship can grow further in this area.
3. Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is about the bond you have with another person. The pinnacle of emotional intimacy is being able to share your deepest desires to your darkest thoughts. From the dreams you have about the future to the fears that keep you awake at night, emotionally intimate couples share the happy moments as well as the sad ones. You are emotionally connected to each other, know each other’s feelings, and recognize the emotions of the other.
Tips for working on emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy requires honesty, towards yourself and towards others. To improve that, it is necessary to have courage to share your difficult feelings, needs or problems. Even if you’re afraid this will turn your partner off or cause you to be rejected. The more you share, the better you get to know each other, the stronger the emotional intimacy.
So make sure you understand your partner better by being aware of what is going on inside him or her. Ask personal questions about your partner’s concerns, hopes and desires, accept who your partner is, flaws and all, and work on opening up more if you are emotionally distant.
4. Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy goes beyond emotional intimacy because it is achieved when you and the other person share the same views and beliefs. When you are spiritually intimate with someone, you share a common spiritual path and practice the different aspects of this path together. Consider, for example, praying together or arousing feelings through certain rituals. Whatever the spiritual path you share with the other, it brings you closer together and this ensures that you feel connected to each other.
Tips for working on spiritual intimacy
Just like emotional intimacy, sharing your feelings and beliefs is an essential aspect of spiritual intimacy. Try to pray more often with your loved one, if you do, but also talk freely about your spiritual experiences. Share your thoughts about the supernatural, the meaning of life, and what happens when earthly life ends. If you find this difficult, it can help to enjoy nature together and get in touch with each other’s spirituality.
5. Intellectual intimacy
You can be intellectually intimate with someone by sharing your ideas and respecting and understanding each other’s points of view. Sharing common interests with someone can build intimacy. 4
Sharing your love for something with someone else, and explaining where this love comes from, how it came about and what it means to you is an example of this. This mainly concerns the in-depth topics , in a relationship, for example, the upbringing of the children, norms and values and the worldview.
Tips for working on intellectual intimacy
Intimacy can be scary for some people, especially if they have been insulted or criticized in the past in response to an idea. As a result, they have built up a barrier that makes it difficult for them to invite people into their lives. And that is what is needed to work on your intellectual intimacy with others.
Break down the wall you have so carefully built, so that you learn to share your thoughts, feelings and especially ideas with others. Share what is on your mind, even if it is not asked for. Ask for an opinion and make it a habit.
6. Social intimacy
Social intimacy is about sharing daily experiences in order to get closer to each other. The simple example is the “How was your day, honey?” to provoke the sharing of a daily experience. But this also includes the social things you do together, such as eating, watching Netflix and other fun things you do as a couple.
Tips for working on social intimacy
It is tempting to go with the flow; the daily routine in which you increasingly lose focus on each other. Before you know it, social intimacy is far away and you miss your partner’s funny anecdotes, just because you are so glued to your smartphone. Or your hobbies and work take up all your time, so that the intimacy in the relationship suffers. This has mainly to do with priorities.
Instead of prioritizing your individual activities, it is important to seek out the collective space more often. For example, make a list of things you can do together instead of alone.
Watch a TV show together instead of alone. Do laundry together and clean the cars at the same time. Make it a habit to do things on the list together. All of these things will help address a lack of social intimacy in your relationship.