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Marriage is supposed to be ’till death do you part’, but unfortunately not all marriages end in a ‘they lived happily ever after’ story. The latest statistics show that almost 40 percent of marriages in the Netherlands end in divorce. But you are not told that when you are standing at the altar, ready to say your wedding vows.
Less than 18 percent of marriages can celebrate a silver wedding anniversary, because they have been married for 25 years. For someone who wants to get married, or is already married, these are not figures that give you confidence for the future. Because if others fail time and time again, why should you succeed?
With this mindset, you give yourself a license to escape the marriage, because there is no shame anymore if it doesn’t work out. But what you forget is that no two marriages are the same and people get divorced for different reasons. No one is the same, no relationship is the same and just because others don’t make it doesn’t mean you can’t make it either.
How “normal” are divorces in the Netherlands?
Divorces have become a common phenomenon in the last century, especially among the younger generations. In the Netherlands, the number is currently almost 31 thousand divorces per year, according to the latest known figures from Statistics Netherlands (CBS).
Compared to ten and twenty years ago, little has changed. But in total there are a lot more divorces than “in the past”. In the 1970s the divorce rate was still around 15 percent. That percentage has now risen to almost 40 percent. Today the number seems to remain stable at around 30 to 35 thousand divorces per year.
The days when couples stayed together until death do them part are over. Despite the problems, older generations managed to stay together forever. The younger generations think very differently about it and throw in the towel much faster.
Why be unhappy any longer? “Life is too short to be anything other than happy,” says the famous saying of the tile. Nowadays, when a couple faces relationship problems , they would rather say goodbye to each other than continue with their unhappy lives. They do this for different reasons.
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12 most common reasons for divorce
If you are wondering why many thousands of couples divorce each year and what drives these people to end their marriage, these are the causes most often cited as reasons for divorce.
1. Bored of each other
Imagine: you have been together with someone since you were 15 and while you have now completed your HBO education at the age of 25, your loved one still works behind the cash register of the local supermarket after ten years. Thanks to your education, the experience you have gained and your personal growth, you are different than you were ten years ago. And you notice this difference in all sorts of ways. The conversations are difficult, everything has become a routine and the rut is in it : after many years you are tired of each other.
The latest figures from Statistics Netherlands indicate that this is the main reason for divorce. No fewer than 29.3 percent of men and 15.2 percent of women cite this as a reason for divorce.
2. No more trust
Many couples eventually lose trust in their relationship. Daily fights and recurring disagreements: they make you unable to live a happy life. Constant bickering over silly topics makes you lose trust in your relationship.
Moreover, a lack of trust in the partner is one of the frequently cited reasons for divorce. Little by little, the relationship is eaten by the green monster of jealousy , because one of the partners does not trust the other. Or one person has lied so many times that the other no longer believes anything.
3. Characters clash
A major reason why people divorce is because their characters clash. And that partly has to do with the well-known ‘love is blind’ saying . Most relationships start with a turbulent crush where you wear rose-colored glasses for a certain period of time. Over time, infatuation fades and love takes over.
Suddenly you see more and more of the other person’s flaws and you discover that the characters clash. There is a mismatch on a personal level that spells doom for the relationship: it clashes too much and too often. Moreover, you have come to realize that you speak a different love language : you no longer have enough in common to stay together.
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4. Communication problems
To build a strong and healthy foundation, it is essential that you communicate sufficiently and well with each other. And that’s more than just talking a little. How do you solve problems together? What do you do to understand your partner more? These are the questions that matter if you want to learn to communicate better within your relationship.
If neither of them makes an effort and doesn’t listen to the other, they feel like they are not being heard or respected. It leads to arguments and conflicts that lead to relationship problems, because you end up in the vicious circle, without a solution to get out.
Although communication problems are not mentioned separately in the last major study into the reasons for divorce, it is the number one reason in the previous study from 1998. At that time, 59 percent of men and 64 percent of women indicated that ‘difficulty communicating with each other’ talking’ was the reason for the divorce.
5. Someone else in the game
One of the best-known causes of divorce filings is adultery: one partner secretly has an extramarital relationship . If you are married, get involved in an extramarital affair and are caught, then it is likely that your marriage will end in divorce. Infidelity means a breach of trust; a fracture that cannot or hardly be repaired.
6. Differing plans for the future
You are doing everything you can for your career, your partner wants nothing more than to ‘collect benefits’, because working is so hard. It is an extreme example of one of the reasons why people get divorced: incompatible future plans.
When two people get married, they are expected to have a shared vision of their future, dreams and interests. However, this is not the case for all couples who get married. Some couples get married with unrealistic expectations and feel disappointed or betrayed afterwards.
In most cases it concerns the desire to have children, where one of the parties wants children and the other does not. And if either of them does not compromise, this can lead to a divorce. According to the latest figures from Statistics Netherlands, 5.5 percent of men and 1.7 percent of women cite ‘disagreement about having children’ as the reason for divorce.
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7. Social and cultural differences
Not only Dutch people live in the Netherlands and even among Dutch people there are many differences. These differences between people can be a reason to stop marriage, and we are mainly talking about social and cultural differences. It is not only about the foreigner who marries a Dutch citizen, but also about the different norms and values, rituals, views and beliefs.
For example, as a woman you can be high on the social ladder, have prestige and a decent salary. However, the male partner is an “anonymous” construction worker and earns significantly less. Although love can conquer many things, this unusual relationship can cause problems in the relationship, which can eventually lead to divorce.
8. Health problems
Although you may not think about it when you are young, health problems can cause relationship problems. And as is well known, the chance of health problems increases as you get older. Mental disorders, physical disabilities; no one hopes to have to deal with them, but almost no one can avoid them.
For example, your partner may become seriously ill, which will not only change the marriage, but your entire life. You may even take on the caregiving responsibilities and become a caregiver. That was not something you expected when you got married. And although you do it out of love for each other, it takes a heavy toll on the relationship. Unfortunately, not every marriage can withstand such health problems.
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9. Finances and money problems
Whether it’s about financial goals, a proverbial hole in your pocket or keeping certain expenses secret, arguments and conflicts about money are common in many relationships. And because money is more important than ever to being able to live the way you want, conversations about finances can get quite out of hand. It can even get to the point where a couple is no longer able to compromise.
They become stressed by the payment problems and become bitter towards each other. Ultimately, disagreements over expenses and expenses can lead to divorce as the marriage buckles under the pressure of finances.
10. No or bad sex life
Sexual intimacy plays a crucial role in almost every relationship . You could almost say that if it’s satisfying in the bedroom, it will be fine outside of it too. But if the sex life is not satisfying, then problems arise. No sex life or a sexless relationship are a major reason for dissatisfaction within the relationship.
You miss the affection, you feel unloved and maybe even unappreciated: sexual problems are sometimes the cause of a divorce, with more often than not an underlying reason. Because if you are tired of each other, for example, this also affects your need for sex.
11. Physical or emotional abuse
Although marriage is associated with love, loyalty and honesty, it is not a happy period for everyone. For some of them, marriage turns into an unhealthy situation full of insults and abuse. Physical and emotional abuse of any kind can make marriage unbearable. And as you understand, no one should tolerate this, not even from a partner who says they “love you”. It is therefore a common cause of divorce.
12. Addiction problems
A small percentage of marriages fail due to addiction problems. Only 1.1 percent of men cite this as a reason for divorce, compared to 7.0 percent of women. If one partner is addicted, for example to drugs or alcohol, this leads to other problems, such as psychological problems, heated arguments and financial problems. Ultimately, the pleasure of one partner takes its toll, because it destroys the relationship from the inside out.
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Summary: Recent list of reasons
The latest known figures on reasons for divorce in the Netherlands are based on the Family Formation Survey (OG) from 2013. This survey questioned a group of Dutch people who were aged 18 to 79 in 2013 and who had divorced between 2008 and 2013. They could give multiple reasons, meaning that the sum of the percentages could be more than one hundred percent.
| Men | Women | |
| Looking out for each other | 29,3% | 15,2% |
| No more trust | 24,3% | 19,3% |
| Characters clash | 19,3% | 13,2% |
| Someone else in the game | 13,8% | 18,1% |
| Future plans incompatible | 8,3% | 10,3% |
| Social/cultural differences | 6,1% | 7,8% |
| Health issues | 6,0% | 6,2% |
| Disagreement about having children | 5,5% | 1,7% |
| Financial problems | 4,4% | 6,2% |
| Sexual problems | 4,4% | 2,5% |
| Physical violence | 2,2% | 4,5% |
| Addiction problems | 1,1% | 7,0% |
| Other people are talking | 18,2% | 11,2% |
This list of reasons why people divorce contains the most important causes of divorce, which are mentioned in the latest divorce survey of the CBS. However, it is not a list of all the reasons that lead to a divorce. Because divorces are complex, personal and in many cases it is a combination of circumstances. That is why there are more reasons why people get out of the marriage boat, which sometimes never appear in a list like the one above.
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