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Every relationship has its ups and downs and that is completely normal. However, it can also happen that your relationship has not been going so well for a while. You have been together for years, but things are not going so smoothly anymore. This can be completely normal and according to psychologists it is also part of a good relationship.
However, it can be important to become aware of the problems at hand. Because if you know where things went wrong, you can look for ways to repair the relationship. This way you can solve the problems together and continue to grow.
Why work on a relationship?
There are several reasons why you might want to work on a relationship. First of all, you may have gotten into a rut. You often do the same things or start to live past each other. It may also be that you have a lot of arguments or that one of you has been hurt.
Emotional pain and arguments certainly do not have to mean the end of a relationship . Almost every relationship can be saved with a lot of work, love and patience. It takes effort, but it is certainly possible to restore a relationship.
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How to work on a relationship
It can be difficult to know how to go about this. The solutions to your relationship problems are of course specific to you. Some things will work better for you as a couple than others. However, there are a number of relationship tips that can help you repair your relationship and work on your relationship.
These are some tips to get you started. We also give you three books that can help you with relationships, communication with your partner and more.
1. Assure your partner that you want to work on it
One of the first things that needs to be clear is that you want to work on the problem together. There’s no point in repairing a relationship if you’re the only one willing to work on it. It takes two people to make a damaged relationship work again. So talk about it with each other and assure your partner that you want to repair the relationship.
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2. Determine what the relationship problem is
Once it is clear that you both want to work on your relationship, it is important to get clarity on the problem. Before you can think about solutions, you obviously need to know what the problem is that you are going to solve.
In almost every relationship there will be problems, but some issues will cause bigger problems. This could be that you no longer trust your partner, that you feel that you are not respected , that you argue often or that you cannot communicate well with each other.
It is very important to talk about it together. Identify the problem together and be open about your feelings and emotions. Take the time to be honest and be vulnerable when talking about these issues. Only in this way is it possible to think about solutions together. One piece of advice here is to write down in advance what exactly is bothering you, so that you can clearly express this during the conversation.
3. Listen to each other and try to empathize
Solving relationship problems is something you do together. So try not to just focus on your own feelings, but also listen to what your partner is saying. Instead of immediately thinking about what you want to answer, listen carefully to understand what your partner is saying.
By listening carefully, you show a lot of respect for each other and you can find out what the problem is. Try not to get caught up in your own emotions, but also make room to think about your partner’s feelings. See the world from your partner’s eyes and then don’t be afraid to admit that you were wrong.
4. Address the issues immediately
Of course, talking alone is not enough to repair your relationship. You will actually have to do something to tackle them. Once you have figured out what is wrong, it is advisable to both write down 2 possible solutions. Tell each other what you have come up with and ask each other to work on it. It’s a start.
For example, if you feel like you have to do all the work in the relationship, a solution might be to create a schedule to divide the work more fairly. Make a list together of things that need to be done and divide them fairly. If you feel like you’re living apart more and the romance is gone, it might be a good idea to schedule a date night every week.
On this evening you will only have time for each other and you can do something fun. This can be as simple as a nice dinner, but a new hobby such as a dance class or course can also be a good activity.
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5. Forgive each other and give each other time
One of the hardest parts of rebuilding a relationship is forgiving each other. It is important to let go of anger, hurt and other negative emotions. This will prevent them from coming back later in life.
Realize that no one is perfect and that without forgiveness there is no good relationship. Also keep in mind that forgiveness takes time. So don’t assume that this will be solved in one day, but give each other time.
In addition, it is also important to give each other space to process things. Therefore, let yourself and your partner sometimes spend time alone to come back happier. Consider each other as a team, accept each other’s mistakes and give each other space to grow as a person.
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Books that can help
Repairing a relationship isn’t easy, but no one said it is easy. In any case, it becomes a bit easier if you get advice from others. And that advice can be found in countless books written about relationship problems and relationships in general. These are three well-known relationship books that can help if you want to work on your relationship.
1. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
One of the most famous books when it comes to relationships is the famous book by John Gray: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus . The author is an expert in the field of communication, relationships and personal development. The book explains in detail the fact that men and women think, feel, love and communicate differently. Simple communication techniques make it possible to better understand and respect each other.
2. The Five Love Languages
According to Gary Chapman, there are five general love languages that he discusses in the book The Five Love Languages . People can show their love by giving the best part of our time, by gifts, by helpfulness, by words of encouragement and physical touch. The love language you speak and understand can vary greatly from person to person . By discovering how you express your love, you can better understand your partner.
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3. Hold me tight
Dr. Sue Johnson wrote the book Hold Me Tight . It has become a bestseller for both relationship therapists and couples who want to work on their relationship. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, everyone is looking for love, support and connection, but sometimes help is needed.
The book further explains Emotionally Focused Therapy , a form of relationship therapy. This is a successful program for creating safe and close relationships. In this, love is central, in contrast to many other forms of therapy where it is mainly about the rules of communication.
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