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Giving constructive criticism doesn’t have to be a problem at all. It can be a way to explain where your irritations are in the relationship and to improve possible patterns. However, if you criticize your partner too much and it goes beyond constructive criticism, it can destroy your relationship.
You might think that you are helping your partner, but you are slowly but surely ending up in a negative cycle. There are many consequences that come with giving criticism. Criticizing your partner in a relationship can therefore cause a lot of relationship problems and can eventually even lead to your breakup.
But what exactly are the pitfalls and consequences of giving criticism? Why doesn’t it work to keep whining? And what are better strategies instead of criticizing? We provide the answers to these questions.
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The danger of a breakage
If you are constantly criticizing your partner, you are in a negative relationship pattern. Criticism is when you express a complaint and phrase it as a personality flaw. You might say that your partner “always leaves the dishes standing” and that he or she is “a terrible slob.” In this way, not only is the behavior criticized, but also the personality of your partner. This is where the danger of criticism lies, as this way of communicating can be disastrous for a relationship.
Your partner can get the feeling that he or she can never do anything right and is not good enough for you because of the constant criticism. This can lead to a lot of unwanted consequences that are not so positive for your relationship. Your partner can start hiding things, secretly be angry with you or lose self-confidence. Ultimately, this can lead to a relationship break-up; which of course you would prefer to avoid.
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You and always, you and never
If you want to know how to communicate with your partner in a constructive way, it is first important to know the difference between complaining and criticizing your partner. The main difference between these two is the way of wording. Criticism often uses terms like “you always do…” or “you never do.” When you criticize your partner, you often use harsh words and attack the character or personality of your partner. Not the behavior itself.
If you want to give feedback in a good way, it is important to address the behavior and not the person. You can also tell your partner what you feel without directly attacking his or her personality. Instead of shouting that your partner ‘always leaves the dishes’, you can also say that you ‘find it exhausting to do all the dishes’ and ask if your partner can help. This way you can express your frustrations in a calm manner, without directly insulting your partner’s personality.
Why Criticism Doesn’t Work
There are several reasons why giving criticism – rather than constructive feedback – can be disastrous for your relationship. You end up in a negative relationship cycle and the consequences can end in a major relationship dip . These are some of the side effects that criticizing can have on your partner, you and your relationship.
1. Your partner starts hiding things from you
If your partner feels attacked by all the criticism, there is a chance that he or she will hide things from you. Your partner will keep secrets from you, so that he or she does not run the risk of being criticized again. In addition, it is possible that he or she will withdraw. Your partner chooses to avoid pain and stops listening. This is precisely the opposite effect because the behavior will not change in a positive way.
2. Your partner becomes defensive
Because your partner feels attacked, he or she will most likely become defensive. For example, counterarguments may be made to prove that he or she did his or her very best, but that it was not possible to change the behavior. In this way, the focus is again not on improving the behavior, but a discussion will arise about the current behavior.
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.” – Abraham Lincoln
3. Your partner loses self-confidence
If you have ever received criticism, you know that these words affect you. Does your partner receive criticism over and over again ? This can sometimes affect their self-confidence. Perhaps your partner feels like they can never do anything right, which can make them afraid to try things for fear of receiving criticism again. If you are unconsciously affecting your partner’s self-confidence, this can be a major problem in your relationship. Perhaps even an irreparable problem.
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4. Your partner looks elsewhere for validation
Is your partner constantly criticizing you? Then it probably needs an outlet. This can be as simple as watching a series or just reading a book , but it can also go in a different direction. For example, your partner may want to contact someone who can provide emotional support and comfort him or her. If you are no longer the person your partner seeks support from, this can have dramatic consequences for your relationship and may even mean the end .
5. Your partner doesn’t dare to try anything new anymore
A partner who has been criticized too much will probably continue with the behavior. Because your partner is criticized for everything, he or she feels that everything that is done is wrong. The constant criticism has damaged their self-confidence: “I can’t do anything right. So I just don’t do it.” As a result, they don’t dare to try anything new, for fear that it will again not be the desired behavior.
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Better strategies
The above consequences show that giving criticism almost never has the desired effect on your relationship. The behavior will not improve; Your relationship will end up in a negative spiral. But of course you want to find a way to express your irritations. Because that should be possible. So how can you give feedback to your partner in a good way?
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Constructive feedback
One of the first aspects that is important when giving constructive criticism to your partner is the timing. Never criticize if your partner has had a hard day or is experiencing something else. Choose a time when you are both calm and have your full attention to start the conversation. In addition to timing, it is also important not to turn it into a monologue, but to try to start a dialogue with your partner.
- Share your feelings and your wishes.
- Also give your partner the space to express his or her opinion.
- Listen to each other.
- Try to empathize with each other’s situation.
A final point to keep in mind when giving criticism is that it is best to start by stating something positive. Before you jump straight into naming negative actions, it is good to tell them that you really appreciate them. Try to put your thoughts into words in a positive way and start the conversation.
Focus on what you want to achieve, instead of the things you don’t want to see anymore. For example, rephrase sentences with “I wish…” instead of “You never help with…”. The way you phrase it can make a huge difference. And with that, it can significantly improve the communication between you.
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