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Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong? If there’s one thing Murphy’s Law can teach us about relationships, it’s that things can go wrong. And really wrong. We try our best not to make mistakes, but what happens? We make mistakes anyway, and relationships are no exception. Murphy’s Law states that no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, things will always go wrong at some point.
“If anything can go wrong, it will.”
We all make mistakes in our relationships. If we can believe Murphy, there is no escape. In the relationships you have, you make thousands of choices and those are thousands of opportunities to make a mistake. At some point something will go wrong, you will do something wrong or you will screw it up completely. Maybe you even do it every day without realizing it.
Not surprisingly, everyone makes mistakes that may or may not take their toll. We overlook some mistakes. We have a discussion about other errors. And yet other mistakes are the straw that breaks the camel’s back with emotions. For example, the mistakes you make determine whether a relationship is the best or worst part of your life, depending on how you go about it.
The mistakes can lead to sleepless nights, terrible anxiety, and overwhelming feelings of failure. But they can also be prevented. These are 11 mistakes that people unconsciously make in their relationships.
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1. Avoiding confrontation
Lovely, a relationship without arguments. No heated conflicts, no shouting and no slamming of doors. While for some couples this is a utopia, for other couples it is the most normal thing in the world. But a relationship without arguments does not work for everyone. That is when the problems are swept under the carpet.
Avoiding arguments is a common mistake in relationships. When a couple doesn’t argue because they are determined not to argue, the problems pile up. They multiply and only get worse because the emotions remain present. It often ends up in a Molotov cocktail of emotions that will explode at some point. And when it does, it is often too late to put out the fire.
2. Trying to control the partner
In a relationship, you can start to get annoyed by certain habits of your partner. In fact, some habits can drive you crazy in the long run. And in response, you can start to complain and whine about it. You comment every time it happens again and it never gets better. You don’t give up, but it doesn’t help at all. So you criticize even more and complain even more often so that it goes the way you want it to go. What you don’t realize is that it only gets worse.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that people with complaining or nagging partners are much less concerned or attentive when their partner shares something with them. Had a bad day? Your partner doesn’t care as much if you complain every day. Hostile grumbling doesn’t help, but an open and respectful conversation does.
“How can he go on like this? He saw the way I looked at him?!”
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3. Mind Reading
Some of the common mistakes people make in relationships is expecting their partner to read minds and magically start anticipating that. It is a typical relationship problem that causes two people to misunderstand each other. Anyone who has been in a relationship knows what it’s like to want your partner to understand you – without having to say a word. But telepathy just doesn’t work that way.
Expecting the other person to understand you only leads to disappointment and misunderstandings. According to research from Baylor University, published in the journal Psychological Assessment , expecting (or hoping) that your partner can read your mind has a negative impact on your relationship. It is more likely to lead to negative communication and anger.
4. Expecting perfection
How many mistakes do you make in your daily life? If you are like everyone else, you do nothing different. Why do you expect perfection from your partner? It is not entirely logical why some people expect a lot from their partner, but do not take a good look at themselves. Besides, perfection is overrated .
We are human. We all have good and bad qualities. It is what shapes us as a person and as a partner. Reality check: no one can be romantic, funny and sweet all the time. And no one has the perfect combination of qualities, because there is always one quality that you will like less than the other.
5. Losing sight of romance
The pitfall of long-term relationships is that you get used to the rhythm. Daily habits and routines become so normal that little by little you lose sight of the romance . Somewhere along the way you get lost in all the daily obligations and “forget” that your partner also needs intimate attention. You have breakfast together, watch television together and sleep together, but do you still do something exciting together?
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6. Trying to change the partner
As humans, we are bothered by many things, including some things a partner does. You have – just like everyone else – the tendency to find out what bothers you and then blame the situation or someone else for it. In your eyes, the situation or person is “wrong”, so that has to change to make it “right” again. You want to change it so that it doesn’t bother you anymore. A simple case of problem solving, sounds logical?
The problem only really arises when the problem is not solved. Because if you do not succeed in changing the perpetrator, what then? In most cases, people continue to blame the other. It provides relief, but in the long run it is enough. You give up, become indifferent and the end seems in sight.
What many people don’t realize is that this whole cycle of blaming and waiting for change only works in the short term. In the long term, it’s not your partner who needs to change, it’s you. The solution to the problem isn’t how to change your partner, it’s how to change yourself.
7. Keeping secrets
For most people it is obvious, for others it is not. Keeping secrets from your partner is not done . It is a big relationship mistake to hide things from each other. Not that you have to tell the other every detail, but you should not deliberately withhold something important from him or her.
Do you know that you are supposed to share it with your partner, but you don’t? Or do you feel a little guilty because you don’t tell your partner? Then you already know the answer yourself. Cheated? Squandered a lot of money at the casino? Received a message from your ex ? What you are supposed to tell, you don’t tell. And that puts a bomb under the relationship.
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8. Don’t Talk About Money (Or Too Much)
Disagreement about how the money is spent, who contributes what and how much buffer there should be: money is a difficult subject. For people, money is an essential part of life, a means of survival. And that’s why having opposing views can be a threat to the relationship. Especially when one person spends a lot of money, while the other knows nothing about it.
Financial disarray has destroyed many relationships. Money brings out the best and the worst in people. Some people keep debts secret, others hide money and still others practice ostrich politics and bury their heads in the sand. But it doesn’t have to be that way. By talking about money, respecting each other’s opinions and finding a middle ground, a financial relationship problem can be prevented.
9. Secretly checking
Do you ever secretly read the texts on your partner’s phone? Scrolling through your partner’s texts, emails or text messages is a huge invasion of privacy. No one likes to lose that bit of privacy. It’s a blatant violation of trust. The problem is that you’re doing it with the wrong mindset: you’re questioning your partner’s trustworthiness. And if you check up on them with this thought, you’ll always find something that can be interpreted negatively. It’s a matter of trust.
If you don’t trust your partner and therefore check messages , you believe that the other person is untrustworthy. Checking messages is not the solution, but part of the problem. In fact, you should think (and talk) about why you don’t trust your partner and how you can solve it.
10. Unnecessary arguments
Differences of opinion will always exist in a relationship. Two people who each have their own experiences, preferences and needs: that can never always go well. You are a unit, but also two individuals. In daily life, that can clash, because one has a different opinion than the other. The result? Arguing. And more often than not, these are unnecessary arguments.
Many people make the mistake in their relationships of wanting to be right, to ‘win’ the disagreement, or to convince the other person why their opinion is better. But that is not necessary at all.
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11. Not being completely honest about your feelings
How many times have you stopped yourself from expressing your feelings? Or that you weren’t completely honest with your partner about how you felt? And how many times have you said yes when you actually meant no? It could have been the fear of rejection or because you didn’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. But the cliché really applies: honesty is the best policy. Telling the truth is often better than staying silent.
Relationships are hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. Because when push comes to shove, we all make mistakes that affect our relationships. No matter how many relationship tips you read, you will always make mistakes. Every relationship has its own obstacles to overcome during the good times and the bad. But if you pay attention to avoiding the common mistakes in relationships, there will be more ups than downs .
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