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People are bad at detecting lies. For example, research shows that people can only detect a lie 54% of the time – a percentage that hardly differs from a guess between heads or tails. While lying is a human behavior that everyone is guilty of, we are all pretty bad lie detectors.
Lying is difficult to distinguish from honest behavior. Although we think that a quick glance to the left might indicate a lie, there is no obvious sign – like Pinoccio’s nose – that gives away that someone is lying. And to make it even more difficult to detect a lie, there are people on whom your internal lie detector works even less: your partner.
Ronald E. Riggio, a professor who has spent years researching lies, says in PsychologyToday that it is difficult to tell if a stranger is lying to you. But also that it is even more difficult to know that your partner is lying to you. In fact, according to Riggio, there are many reasons why people can’t tell if their loved one is lying.
1. You are trusting
As humans, we like to give others the benefit of the doubt. In studies where people are told they will see 50% lies and 50% truths, they judge more than half as ‘truth’ and therefore less than half as ‘lie’. For most people, this trust bias is even stronger with people they love. Your partner is your partner for a reason. It is someone you trust and that is why you are even more likely to give your loved one the benefit of the doubt than others.
2. You don’t want to cross a line
Accusing someone of a lie is not a pleasant task: it is uncomfortable. And if you’re not 100% sure, it’s also insulting. Do you want to actually express your suspicions at the risk that your partner will see it as an outright insult? Chances are, these risks will keep you from speaking out. And without bringing it up, it’s even harder to confirm the lie.
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3. You rely too much on inaccurate signals
Riggio’s research shows that people tend to rely on the well-known ‘signals’ that can indicate a lie. For example, he mentions the signal that a liar is unable to look you in the eye. But the research shows that people actually make more eye contact when they lie than when they tell the truth. Because, Riggio says, liars know that a lack of eye contact is a signal of lying.
4. You are less interested in knowing the truth
Another reason why it is difficult to detect a lie is a difference in motivation. If you have no suspicions, you have no motivation to get to the bottom of the matter. Why would you ask questions like a detective when there are no suspicions? At the same time, a lying partner does everything he or she can to hide the truth.
5. You’re less good at it
Lying is a skill. And as is always the case with skills, you get better at it the more you do it. A partner who regularly lies has the advantage, because it is difficult to train the detection of lies. This skill difference is one reason why a partner’s lies are so hard to spot.
According to Riccio, there is plenty of evidence that even people who are trained to detect lies don’t get much better at it. Good liars, on the other hand, are getting better at lying.
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6. You’re afraid of the consequences
What do you think happens when you confront your partner with your suspicions? It’s never easy to confront anyone, let alone your partner. This person can become angry, because how dare you say that, or it can become an obstacle in the relationship. Thanks to these potential consequences, many choose to bury their heads in the sand. Pretending the lie never happened is a more comfortable alternative to the truth for some.
While most people focus on the nonverbal cues to spot a lie, Riccio says there are better indicators of a lie. How plausible is your partner’s story? Is it logical or impossible? According to research, it is these verbal signals that are the most accurate.
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