Reading Each Other’s Minds: The Pitfall of ‘Mind Reading’ in Relationships

When we talk about mind reading, it quickly conjures up images of quacks who claim to have paranormal powers. But even without a crystal ball and voodoo-like practices, people think they can read each other’s thoughts. In fact, we all do that in our relationships. It’s called “empathic accuracy,” an everyday form of mind-reading that we’re all guilty of. And that doesn’t involve tarot cards or clairvoyants.

Mind reading in relationships

Most people agree that it is unreasonable to expect others to read their minds. But even though they share this view, they still feel disappointed when their unspoken thoughts are not understood. Just because you expect your partner to know doesn’t mean your partner knows.

“You should just know why I’m upset.”

Let’s take an important milestone in the relationship : the 1-year anniversary. In your mind, the celebration of the relationship is linked to a surprise from your partner: a relive of the first date, a romantic dinner or a gift. But does your partner also know that you value it so much? Do you believe that your partner should know that? And do you get angry if your partner has no plans to surprise you?

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No one can really do it

Thanks to the media and television programs, we have been given the idea that we should be able to finish each other’s sentences and supernaturally read each other’s minds. The truth is that no one can read minds. Telepathy has never been scientifically proven. It is impossible for the human brain to receive signals that allow you to accurately read another person’s thoughts.

Basically, it comes down to the fact that we need to communicate to make ourselves understood – verbally and non-verbally. Otherwise we cannot know what is going on in someone else. And even when we communicate, we can’t read each other’s minds.

According to scientists, several studies have shown that partners are particularly bad at ‘reading’ each other’s thoughts and feelings. The ability to understand a partner’s thoughts and feelings is on average only 30 to 35 percent, research shows . Or put another way: when you think you know what your partner is thinking, you are wrong 65 to 70 percent of the time.

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The pitfall of mind reading

Expecting your partner to read your mind can lead to relationship problems . It can cause you to be silent about what you want when you could get it if you spoke out. And because you remain silent, your partner may do something different than what you hoped for. It also makes sense that your partner won’t even apologize because they don’t know that their behavior is different from what you hoped. This is the pitfall of mind reading: the incorrect expectation that your partner can read minds and the belief that your partner is doing something ‘wrong’ if he or she fails to correctly interpret your feelings and thoughts.

• Michelle: “Do you ever know why I react like that?”
• Jay: “Yes, I think you’re on your period.”
• Michelle: “I’m not. You should know why I’m annoyed.”
• Jay: “Oh, sorry, that’s exactly what I thought.”
• Michelle: “And that’s exactly the problem!”

People often think that saying something without saying it directly is a way to convey the message in a sweeter way. Some people do this all the time. They make a comment and then expect you to understand. However, they don’t do it in a direct way or with a request, but they do expect you to take it that way. An example:

• Michelle: “The bedroom door is squeaking again.”
• Jay: “I heard it.”

Two weeks later

• Michelle: “You still haven’t fixed the bedroom door? I told you it squeaked!”

Often, mind reading has become an unhealthy and destructive habit in relationships because one or both partners wrongly assume they know what the other is thinking or feeling, when in fact they do not. They try to deduce what is going on in the other person’s head without asking for clarification. This habit can cause you to act irrationally in the eyes of the other person because it does not correspond to what the other person actually wants.

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The alternative to mind reading

The alternative to expecting your thoughts to be read is clear communication. Transparent, concise and unambiguous. If you have something to say, just say it. If you want something from the other person, ask. No comments to be misinterpreted, no hidden meanings: just be honest and clear about what you mean.

If we take the last example of the squeaky door, it should come as no surprise that the door is not the problem. Neither do the hinges. And not that you don’t know that a little silicone spray works wonders. The problem is that you feel the need to stop hearing that annoying noise, while you don’t make it clear that you would like the other person to solve this for you.

The essence is that you are making a wrong assumption about others. And that rarely leads to a desired outcome. Things often go wrong in relationships when partners expect each other to pick up the hints and signals messages, but we are very bad at that.

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