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Unfortunately, love is not like in the fairy tales. A relationship is complex and both parties have to work hard to keep the relationship healthy. It is necessary to make compromises and sometimes we have to adjust our expectations. If we don’t do that, disagreements and arguments will arise.
If there is an argument in a relationship, you can, for example, choose to firmly hold on to your own position. You immediately find your partner rude, unreliable and unattractive if they disagree with you. And as a result, you say hurtful words or perform irreversible actions. However, after the argument you have had time to think, after which you realize that you may have made a mistake after all. It’s time to settle the argument.
24 tips to settle an argument
In many relationships, both a major conflict and a minor disagreement can lead to days, weeks, or even months of hurt feelings and harbored resentments. But fortunately, a visit to the relationship therapist is not the only way to make up for it. We give you 24 tips to settle an argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Think about how committed you are
It can sometimes be difficult to recover from an argument. Things may have been said that were not really meant or just to hurt the other person’s feelings. It is therefore important to know how committed and convinced you are of the relationship. If you attach great value to your partner and the relationship, then you know what you are ‘fighting’ for. This relationship or this person is truly worth asking forgiveness for.
2. Apologize sincerely
Saying ‘sorry’ only for the sake of peace can sometimes seem insulting to the other person. It means that you do not admit that you have done something wrong, but only that you want to move on. Children say ‘sorry’ when they do something wrong, adults sincerely apologize. Say ‘sorry’, point out what you did wrong, acknowledge the feelings and end it by asking what you can do to make things better.
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3. Let the other person speak
You’ve apologized, now it’s time to let the other person speak. Give your partner space to express themselves, how hurt they feel and what they expect from you now. Let the other person finish, don’t interrupt them or get defensive. Make the other person feel safe in a space where they can openly share what they are feeling.
4. Show genuine interest
People like to surround themselves with people who are genuinely interested in their thoughts. If you want to make up for an argument, you have to show that you are genuinely interested in how your partner thinks. You can show interest by listening to complaints, giving them the feeling that you want to solve things and that you attach great value to the relationship.
5. Be empathetic
Empathy is the ability to see things from another person’s perspective to understand them better. When you argue in a relationship it’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions and your own point of view. But if you’re empathetic, you might be able to figure out that you’re wrong. Listen to your partner, put yourself in his or her shoes and imagine what the other person must be going through.
6. Give the other person time to think
While you may be ready to discuss your argument, your partner may feel very differently. He or she probably needs more time to think and you should respect this decision. Never put pressure on the other person to start a conversation. After all, people deal with problems differently. Don’t be put off by their initial reaction and let the person know that you are ready to talk.
7. Identify the problem
Small resolved issues can quickly build up and lead to a major explosion at some point. At that point it becomes difficult to pinpoint exactly what the problem is. It is therefore important to identify the problem after every argument, so that the chance that the argument will repeat itself is small.
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8. Don’t ignore the other person
No matter how angry or sad you are, it is never wise to ignore your partner. Do not give the other person the silent treatment , where you ignore the other person in the hope that he or she will forgive you. It’s a manipulative way to earn someone’s forgiveness.
9. Initiate physical contact
Affection is an essential part of human connection. Grasp your partner’s hands or rub their knees when you talk. Show that you enjoy being with the other person. A touch can easily relieve the tension that the other person feels. This way you create a nice comfortable atmosphere for a good conversation .
10. Assure the other person of your love
When you hurt someone who trusts you, it can give the other person doubts. The other person may start to doubt whether you really love him or her . No matter how much you love someone, you can always unknowingly hurt the other person in an argument. It is therefore important that you reassure the other person. Assure the other person of your love and tell him or her how much you love him or her.
11. Write down your thoughts
When you are upset, you are more likely to say things you don’t mean. But once you say it, you can’t take it back. Do you find it difficult to express your thoughts? Then consider writing them down. Writing gives you plenty of time to think about what you want to say.
12. It’s okay to disagree
Sometimes an argument can be based on something that cannot be changed. There will also be topics in the relationship that you simply think differently about. It’s okay to disagree about different things. Is it a deal breaker or not? If this is not the case, then it is time to settle the argument.
13. Negotiate a compromise
Compromise is difficult, but you can always find a middle ground in discussions. Be open-minded as long as it doesn’t go against your values. In a relationship you can’t always agree, so compromise is essential. This is the only way you can move forward.
14. Use humor
Humor is a great tool that can resolve an uncomfortable situation. Laughing together relieves stress, builds intimacy, and creates a positive environment for working out an argument. An inside joke in particular can serve as a real icebreaker during the conversation.
15. Make peace with the shortcomings
No one is perfect: it’s an important fact that everyone knows. Everyone has his or her shortcomings. Whatever they are, you have to make peace with them. First decide if it’s something you can deal with even if you don’t like it, and then choose to accept it.
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16. Be transparent
Transparency creates trust. To win your partner back, you have to prove that you are trustworthy. Don’t hide secrets and be open.
17. Cry
Do you feel the urge to cry? Then cry. It shows the other person how sincere you are and that you really mean it. Crying is a good way to express your emotions. And as an added benefit, it will make you feel relieved.
18. Adjust your expectations
It is not difficult to have high expectations of your partner. But if you have a lot of expectations, you will usually be disappointed. This is especially true when important people in your life don’t deliver on them. Although your partner may not act as you expect, remember that it may be your own expectations that are causing the problem.
19. Focus on your partner’s strengths
Everyone has their flaws. Focus on your partner’s strengths after an argument. For example, make a list of all the positive things you like about the other person and think about them every now and then. By doing this, you always know what you have to lose. You can even give the list to your partner to assure them of your love.
20. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
Vulnerability is essential in any relationship. Trusting yourself to your partner so that he or she fully understands who you are is one way to have a healthy relationship. Showing vulnerability when asking for forgiveness is therefore also important. Being vulnerable also gives your partner the space to feel comfortable expressing themselves.
In conversations, don’t be afraid to reveal yourself fully and tell him or her how much you love him or her . Don’t let shame or pride hold you back.
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21. Learn from your arguments
If arguments occur in your relationship, you can learn from them. Remember what action or words led to the argument and remember what negative reaction it caused in your partner. This way you know exactly what to do in the future to avoid them.
22. Do something nice for the other person
Sometimes you can simply make up for an argument by doing something nice for the other person . Cook his or her favorite meal and surprise the other person with a gift or a night out. Your partner will be grateful for your thoughtful gesture and this can remind him or her why you are together.
23. Reminisce about old memories
It can be difficult to win someone back. However, if things look beyond repair, try revisiting old memories. Think of the times when you were happy and couldn’t bear to be away from each other. Good memories make you miss the person and it is a step in the right direction.
24. Surprise your partner with a visit
Show up unannounced at your partner’s house with a gift, but make sure it’s at an appropriate time. It is possible that – by showing up – it will force the other person to have a conversation with you. It also shows that you are serious about settling the argument.
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