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Do you always feel like you’re dating someone who’s out of your league ? Do you think he or she is perfect and you…not at all? And do you therefore experience a dynamic of inequality in your relationship? Then there is a good chance that you place your partner on a pedestal.
Most people agree that it is nice to be loved. You feel accepted and appreciated – the feeling you want to have in a relationship. But if this goes too far, you will be idealized and placed on a pedestal. And that’s not what you want, because it sabotages the relationship. So whether you put your partner on a pedestal or the other way around: it is not a positive thing for the relationship.
Putting partner on a pedestal
Research by Jennifer Tomlinson, psychologist at Colgate University in New York, has shown that this has a negative effect on the relationship. Worshiping or idolizing your partner usually ends in a partner withdrawing, which is harmful to a relationship.
The results of the 2014 study showed that couples are happiest with their relationship when they think their partner sees them as slightly better than how they see themselves. But if their partner puts them on a pedestal, satisfaction with the relationship quickly decreases. How is this possible?
The researchers discovered that people who are placed on a pedestal by their partner experience a threat to their sense of self. They feel that their partner does not know them and that they have certain expectations that cannot be met. When people feel overly idealized, they are also less likely to work on their relationship , the results showed.
“People who feel overly idealized may feel like they have more power in the relationship, so they may be less willing to put their partner first,” Tomlinson said of the study. Relationships in which one partner over-idealizes the other are often associated with dependency and power.
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10 signs you’re putting your partner on a pedestal
Becoming a little idealized can be good for relationships, but it becomes a problem when it leads to major power differentials, self-centeredness, and inequality. Do you wonder if you are putting your partner on a pedestal? Then pay attention to these signals.
1. Your partner has no flaws
Do you admire your partner so much that you think he or she has no flaws? If you feel like you can’t find any flaws in your partner’s behavior or personality, this is the first red flag to look out for.
2. You change your opinion
You’ve expressed your opinion on an issue and your partner responds with an opposing opinion. What are you doing? Do you defend your position or adapt your argument to better fit that of your partner? If you feel like you don’t want to alienate your partner by adopting a conflicting opinion, you may have put your partner on a pedestal.
3. Your partner becomes selfish
When people feel like they have been placed on a pedestal, they can test the limits of this personality cult. Does your partner become selfish and no longer take your feelings or needs into account? Then it is possible that your partner is testing the limits of the pedestal. They stop ‘giving’ in the relationship because you make that possible.
4. Your partner gets short of breath
Being on a pedestal is not easy. It may feel nice at first, but over time you will start to feel quite a bit of responsibility. If you are constantly told how great you are at everything you do, you feel like you always have to meet these ‘requirements’. If your partner indicates that you are setting the bar too high, it is likely that you are putting your partner on a pedestal.
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5. You let people walk all over you
Are you afraid of upsetting the other person? That you say something that makes the other person think poorly of you? And is that why you never say ‘no’ even though you would like to? When all decisions are made by your partner and you have no say in them, you can assume that you are putting your partner on a pedestal.
6. An argument is the end of the world
Since you don’t actually do anything that your partner would disapprove of, it probably doesn’t happen often. But when you do have an argument , it feels like the end of the world. Or better said: the world stands still for a moment. Nothing else matters anymore because you’re afraid this is a prelude to a breakup.
7. You’re afraid the relationship will end someday
The problem with admiration is that it creates an uneven playing field. Because you admire your partner so much, you are the one who is more concerned about losing the other person. That’s quite common when you think a loved one is better than yourself. As a result, trust issues can arise in the relationship .
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8. You are the best at overanalyzing
Because you don’t feel equal to your partner, you can overanalyze everything. Do you think about every word you say to your partner and do you lie in bed worrying every night? Overthinking every conceivable situation related to the relationship is a sign that you may adore your partner a little too much.
9. Your partner can do no wrong
When you feel attracted to someone else, it is very normal to idealize the other person a bit. Everyone is guilty of it in the beginning of a relationship, which is why they call it rose-colored glasses that you look through . In fact, you ignore the negative aspects of the person you are in love with because you are blinded by all the positive aspects. Putting your partner on a pedestal is no different. It ensures that your partner can do no wrong in your eyes.
10. You need constant confirmation
Do you always show that you are willing to do (almost) anything for your partner? Much more than others would ever do for your partner? Just to get that confirmation that you are good enough? If you answered yes to these questions, chances are you have put your loved one on a pedestal.
Putting someone on a pedestal is something we all do at times. There’s also nothing wrong with putting the people you love above others. But it is a problem if you constantly put your partner above yourself.
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