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It is not always visible on the outside: uncertainty. Yet we would rather get rid of the annoying feeling than gain it, because uncertainty is like an enemy that you would rather not encounter. A person may feel insecure about his or her appearance, career or personality. Insecurity can also play a role in a relationship.
In that case, you constantly have the feeling that you cannot provide what your partner wants and that you are even falling short. These feelings increasingly influence your relationship and that gnaws at you. We all have our insecurities sometimes, but dealing with these struggles can be quite difficult. Yet the goal is the same for everyone: to master the uncertainties.
What is the cause?
A feeling of insecurity is caused by fear about a variety of factors that can be physical, financial, emotional and social in nature. However diverse that feeling of insecurity may be, it is often the result of someone’s past. A person’s personality also plays an important role. Many insecurities arise from the unfortunate combination of a negative self-image and too high expectations.
Childhood experiences
However, a frequently mentioned cause of uncertainty is the relationship with the parents. The approach of family members and friends towards children has a major influence on how they see themselves. If, as a child, you receive a whole load of criticism every day, you can become insecure at an early age.
However, because the first feeling of insecurity arises at a young age, it is quite difficult to pinpoint a precise cause. What is clear is that childhood experiences can dominate the rest of a person’s life.
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Previous relationships
If we extend this to the relationship sphere, it is striking that people who have been cheated on in the past find it difficult to trust their partner in a new relationship. The lack of trust in the relationship is one of the most extreme forms of insecurity in a relationship. In fact, it can be disastrous if no action is taken in time and the past and previous experiences are not discussed.
Implications
Feelings of uncertainty can express themselves in all kinds of ways. Not in a relationship yet? Then you can be insecure about the opinions of your friends, about your appearance and about rejections . The uncertainty holds you back and makes life so much harder.
Are you already in a relationship? Then there are mainly doubts about whether the other person loves you or whether your partner is faithful at all. That in itself is quite human, as long as it does not control your relationship. Moreover, it also happens that the person who feels insecure starts to behave in a rather nasty way. For example, it is not uncommon for insecure people to:
Putting the other down
Someone who is insecure tries to make other people feel insecure too. That’s not fair, and even a form of emotional abuse . But the fact that the other person shares the same level of uncertainty reassures you, because you are no longer the only one who feels this way.
However, it can become somewhat unhealthy if you try to negatively influence the other person and even try to bring them down. It is common for the insecure person to project their own insecurities onto someone else in order to feel more secure.
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Controlling behavior
That brings us straight to the next point. Insecure people try to have extreme control over their partners. That makes them hyper alert, even to the point of obsessiveness. An everyday example of this is how messages or calls via the mobile phone are handled. Is there no answer to the app for a while? Then chaos breaks out at home and you don’t talk to each other for days. Recognizable?
Symptoms/characteristics
It will therefore not surprise you that none of these consequences are beneficial for the relationship. When someone tries to control or push the other down based on their own insecurities, love can increasingly fade.
No one wants to be watched by the other person all the time. Are you also dealing with a lot of uncertainty in your relationship? Then you probably recognize the following characteristics:
1. Confirmation
Everyone needs confirmation every now and then. This is certainly the case in relationships where the aim is for confirmation from the partner. Yet we see that this urge for confirmation emerges very often among insecure people. Someone else’s approval is of course always nice, but it should not dominate your relationship.
2. Jealousy
Let’s face it: jealousy is not necessarily a sign of love. Although being jealous occasionally is healthy for the relationship, things change if one of the partners is extremely jealous. For example, jealous that you are having a nice evening with your friends, jealous that you have a higher salary than your partner and jealous of your ex: it can’t get that crazy. When there is too much uncertainty in the relationship, jealousy takes on pathological proportions.
3. Whining and nagging
And where there is jealousy, there is of course constant nagging and pushing. Nagging is one of the characteristics of personal dissatisfaction, or dissatisfaction with yourself. Anyone who struggles with this feeling, but cannot get rid of it, will start whining. Realizing that personal dissatisfaction exists at all is a good first step in tackling the nagging.
4. Separation anxiety
Insecurities come in all kinds of forms, but it becomes extreme when it leads to the fear of being abandoned by the partner. You feel so inferior that you even have doubts about why the other person should stay with you. Let’s say that self-esteem has dropped to an all-time low if you are dealing with separation anxiety.
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Solutions
Although the above may all sound a bit heavy, that does not mean that there is no solution. The main goal is therefore to put an end to uncertainty. That is precisely why you should accept yourself: you are the way you are. And when your partner is with you, he or she is happy with who you are. This thought alone should give you a reassuring feeling and be the basis for a solution to all uncertainties.
Don’t confuse imagination with reality
Because we know that uncertainty is an inner feeling, it is important to know that only you are aware of what is going on in your head. While you may be insecure about an appearance or your personality, that does not necessarily mean that someone else will see it that way.
Therefore, make sure that your thoughts do not play nasty games with you. Constantly getting lost in your thoughts can be paralyzing and the annoying thing is that it often does not correspond to reality. Therefore, do not confuse your own imagination with reality.
Often our insecure feelings are based on the ‘ what if ‘ question, while we all know that these types of scenarios are of no use to us. What is of use to us? The reality.
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Three steps in the relationship
To allow your imagination to make room, we have a number of steps for you; three steps to help you learn to deal with uncertainty in the relationship:
1. Look for the source
Where exactly does the feeling of uncertainty come from? Did something happen in the past or during a previous relationship? Discuss it with your partner and ensure mutual understanding. Make sure your partner understands why you are insecure. And even better: make sure you understand why you are insecure.
2. Adjust your expectations
Do you both have the same expectations from the relationship? Are you on the same page? Or should water be added to the wine? Make sure your relationship expectations are realistic and acceptable to both of you.
3. Live
To put an end to your insecurities, it is important to shift your focus. How? By living. Pick up that hobby you’ve been neglecting lately, do fun things or exercise with your friends. Take your life or let your partner live too. Realize that despite your relationship, you are also individuals. Enjoy life!
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