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You have been in a nice relationship for several months. At least, it was a nice relationship. Although everything was fine in the beginning, that soon started to change. You noticed that you were going to adapt your behavior to your partner’s wishes. That’s why you tried to distance yourself emotionally. But when you did, your loved one threatened a breakup. And all that is anything but nice.
Now that you’re several months into the relationship, you’re doing your best to keep your partner happy . That’s hard because it never seems to be enough. You have subtly become accustomed to the constant ultimatums and threats. Because you know: if you don’t do what your partner wants, all hell will break loose. For fear of outbursts of anger, you have now come to accept this form of blackmail. You may not realize it yet, but this is emotional blackmail.
What is emotional blackmail?
Emotional blackmail is a psychological trick in which someone uses emotions to control your behavior. To achieve this, fear, guilt and love are abused to influence you. Emotional blackmail is therefore a form of manipulation that puts pressure on you. It occurs frequently and in different forms in relationships.
In a relationship, there is emotional blackmail when you want to achieve a goal and use threats to do so. This can be done, for example, with threats to end the relationship , to harm yourself or someone else, or to make your partner feel guilty. Basically, it comes down to making demands and threats to get what you want.The term was introduced by Susan Forward in her book
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You . She argues that emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to you threaten to punish you for not doing what they want.
Why threats? Because threatening can evoke feelings that will help you get what you want more quickly. For example, a threat can create feelings of fear, guilt or anger. This places the blame and responsibility for the entire situation on the victim. These are some example sentences that involve emotional blackmail:
- “If you don’t do what I say, I will hurt myself.”
- “If you leave me, I don’t want to continue with my life.”
- “If you don’t come home now, it’s over.”
- “If you don’t do what I say, you don’t really love me.”
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13 signs of emotional blackmail
It is difficult to recognize emotional blackmail when you are under the influence of the confusing emotions. But there are some things you can look for to recognize emotional blackmail. If you notice any of these signs in your relationship, you now know it is a form of manipulation.
1. Blaming
Does your partner blame you? Then keep in mind that it can be used against you as a form of emotional blackmail.
“I am always there for you. But now that I need you…
2. Putting pressure on you
If a partner puts pressure on you, it may be emotional blackmail. This is the case when your partner restricts you with threats or ultimatums if you do not listen to what your partner wants.
“If you don’t come tonight, then…”
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3. Making you feel guilty
Does your partner say that you are responsible for the fact that your partner feels so sad? Someone who uses emotional blackmail may try to make you feel guilty by offloading their negative feelings onto you. You are blamed for their pain or sadness.
“I feel sad. And that’s just because you…”
4. You get blamed
Will all the blame be placed on you if something goes wrong? Or are you blamed when your partner’s needs aren’t met, regardless of whether you had anything to do with it? Please keep in mind that this debt can be used as a means of blackmail.
“Then why don’t you take care of it? Now I have to…”
5. Threatening to break up
Instead of looking for real solutions to the problems in the relationship, they threaten to break up.
“If you don’t agree with me, we should just end it.”
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6. Forcing you to choose between two options
Are you faced with an impossible choice by your partner? In most cases it will involve some form of emotional blackmail.
“Take your choice: your family out of our lives or me out of your life.”
7. Compelling language
Your partner can respond to your feelings by using forceful language. The goal is for you to do what your partner says.
“You owe it to me that you…”
8. Invalidating your perspective
In a relationship there are two perspectives. But only your partner’s is good. Emotional blackmail occurs when your perspective is declared invalid and you therefore have no input.
“If we did what you want, I would be extremely disappointed in you.”
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9. Limit contact with others
Emotional blackmail often occurs when one partner tries to isolate the other from friends and family.
“I don’t know if I want to continue with you if you want to keep seeing them.”
10. Forbidding you from doing things
Does your partner try to restrict your freedom by forbidding you to do certain activities that are not approved? To get you to do this, emotional blackmail is usually used.
“I’d rather you cancel it. You don’t want me to sit here alone, do you?!”
11. Manipulative supplication
With a supplication you are asked to do something that you may not want to do. You are being pressured with the plea.
“Please, you’re the only one who can help me.”
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12. Make a comparison
You are doing well, your partner is not. Making this comparison between your situation and theirs abuses your sense of guilt.
“Look how good you have it. Then you can do it for me…”
13. Exploiting your sympathy
The person using emotional blackmail may try to gain your sympathy first and then manipulate you later. This is, for example, the case if you feel sorry for someone and that person takes advantage of it.
“Can you still buy that for me? I really need it and can’t afford it.”
Emotional blackmail is a challenging problem that many people struggle with. It can cause a lot of damage if it is not properly understood or if you do not handle it properly. Therefore, be aware of the different signs by which you can recognize emotional blackmail. If you recognize them in your relationship, you can protect yourself from further harm and possibly even prevent suffering in the future.
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