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You sit on the couch and stare at the wall, tears streaming down your face. You feel torn inside and it seems like your heart literally hurts. It’s been a few days now since you broke up and your sadness only seems to be getting worse. You wonder how it is possible to feel so much pain for someone who is no longer with you.
You miss the presence of the other person, the laugh, the voice. It feels like a void has opened up in your life that can’t be filled. You try to distract yourself by watching TV, reading and exercising, but you can’t get that one person out of your mind. It feels like you’re stuck in this endless cycle of sadness and pain. You know it takes time to heal, but right now it seems like the sadness will never go away. We call that sadness heartbreak .
What is heartbreak?
Heartbreak is not a myth or an old saying; it really exists. Anyone who has experienced it can relate to that. Heartbreak is an emotional response to the end of a romantic relationship – a negative emotion resulting from a breakup. From feelings of sadness, pain, loss to sometimes anger or resentment, heartbreak can express itself in different ways. And it can also vary in intensity and duration, which in turn depends on things such as the duration of the relationship, how involved you were with each other and how you deal with it.
Heartbreak is a natural process that takes time to heal. It can lead to physical and emotional symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, loss of appetite, anxiety and depression. If you experience all of this at once, it can have a significant impact on your physical condition and mental health. This is also why they call it the disease of love, also known as the spell of philocaptio or lovesickness .
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How you feel
When you’re heartbroken, you feel a wide range of emotions. You feel sadness, pain and loss because the relationship you thought would last forever is now over. You feel deep sadness and great despair because you cannot be with the person you love. The other person no longer loves you or may have loved you, but the feeling is gone. You are in a situation that you cannot accept, but no matter what – you cannot have what you want.
You may also feel angry and frustrated about the situation because it did not turn out as you had hoped. Sometimes you may also feel guilty and wonder if there was something you could have done differently to save the relationship. You may also have difficulty completing daily tasks because you feel gloomy and lethargic. As a result, you experience less pleasure in the things you normally enjoy.
Heartbreak can also cause physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite and reduced concentration. It can feel like a void has opened up in your life that can’t be filled, and you can feel lost and alone without the person you loved so much – and perhaps still love.
Because of all this, you can also view heartbreak as a complicated grieving process, a natural part of the survival instinct. The human attachment system uses the pain system by causing pain when relationships are lost. This is accompanied by all kinds of physical and mental symptoms that resemble an illness or depression. The similarity with ‘being sick’ is the reason why heartbreak is also known as the disease of love.
Symptoms and characteristics
Heartbreak can be seen as a condition with the typical symptoms of an illness. Although you may occasionally say to your partner that ‘he/she is not doing you any good’, there is some truth in it. It’s possible to feel really bad about someone you’re so crazy about.
It is often called heartbreak when a relationship has broken down, but that is not always the case. After breaking up a relationship, it is completely normal to feel less happy for a short period of time. That does not necessarily mean that you are really the victim of heartbreak. Things will be different if you are dealing with the following symptoms and characteristics:
- You idealize the other
- You only think about the nice qualities of the other person
- You cry a lot and unexpectedly
- You have intrusive thoughts about the other person
- You can’t calm your thoughts
- You fantasize about a reunion
- You have difficulty sleeping
- You follow the other person obsessively
- You have mood swings
- You feel stressed or confused
- You have no appetite
- You constantly think about the other person
- You feel hopeless
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Heartbreak is timeless
Heartbreak is not a recent phenomenon. Descriptions of this strange love disease can be traced back to well before Christ. In one of these descriptions, physician Erasistratus in the 4th century BC is called to the bedside of prince Antiochus, who is extremely ill. Examination by the doctor determines that the prince is weak, emaciated and almost dead. The worst part about this is that no one understands why.
As Erasistratus feels Antiochus’ pulse, he realizes that the prince’s pulsating heartbeat is increasing and he is flushed as his stepmother Stratonice enters the room. Erasistratus realizes that Antiochus is suffering from heartbreak, which in this period is still seen as a fatal disease. The doctor tells King Seleucus who, to save his son’s life, gives his wife to his son. From this time on, the disease of love permeates the medical literature with many examples.
Although descriptions of the disease have changed dramatically over hundreds of years, it still exists. It is still frequently written about in contemporary literature and it is a popular theme for artists to sing about. In Bob Dylan’s song ‘Love Sick’, the singer describes it in his own way.
“I’m sick of love /I wish I’d never met you /I’m sick of love /I’m tryin’ to forget you /Just don’t know what to do /I’d give anything to be with you” – Bob Dylan
The example of Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare’s story of Romeo and Juliet is the perfect example of heartbreak in action. The two youngsters from hostile families portray the true madness of love in a play that has remained popular among the general public.
When Romeo finds his beloved dead (or so he thinks), he cannot cope with the thought of living without his true love. Romeo overcomes the heartbreak and sees no other way out: he ends his life. Juliet, who was not really dead, wakes up and discovers Romeo’s dead body. Overwhelmed by despair and the ultimate heartbreak, she also ends her life.
It’s not you, it’s the chemicals
Heartbreak goes beyond just the intense feelings of sadness, romance and longing. You may experience intrusive thoughts, obsessive behavior, impulsivity, and delusions that some experts believe mimic mental illness. These feelings and the behaviors you exhibit are deeply rooted in the physiology and chemicals in the brain.
What you feel during heartbreak is the result of various biochemical processes in the brain. When you are in love, your body produces hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin, which cause feelings of happiness and pleasure. When the relationship ends, the production of these hormones stops abruptly, leaving you feeling down and sad.
Heartbreak can also cause physical pain because the same areas of the brain involved in processing emotional pain are also involved in processing physical pain. Studies have shown that people with heartbreak have the same brain activity as people with a broken arm or leg. Additionally, the stress that comes with heartbreak can weaken your immune system, leading to physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, and insomnia.
Apart from the emotional factors you have to deal with, heartbreak also has to do with biological processes in your body. It is a complex combination of emotional and biological components that together cause the heartbreak.
Plato – Love is a serious mental illness.
Neuroscientists say that the chemicals that flow in our brains when we are in love, and the areas that light up, are no different than those of people who become mentally ill. This fact is sufficient evidence for some people to label falling in love as a disease and a human weakness. Even Plato, a Greek philosopher, called love a “serious mental illness.” The chemicals at work in all phases of infatuation are said to cause the symptoms and syndromes present in love disease.
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Dealing with heartbreak
Much has been written in the literature about the treatment of the disease of love. It is mainly the serious cases of heartbreak that had to be treated by doctors. From bizarre methods to simple solutions without any depth, there has been no effective way to treat the disease for a long time.
Greek and Roman physicians often prescribed sexual intercourse to combat the disease, even if the patient did not enjoy it. When this was not possible, doctors tried to distract their patients with bathing, sleeping and exercising. Old women were even hired to belittle the person in question (the loved one) in front of the sick patient. But it went much further.
Some patients were forced to watch as the feces of the person in front were burned. Absolutely everything has been tried to ease the pain of heartbreak and treat the condition effectively. But whatever they tried in those times, it was of no use.
The modern methods
Heartbreak is a common condition that has persisted throughout the centuries and is still common. Fortunately, times have changed and science has advanced, giving us a better understanding of heartbreak. The combination of scientific research and human experiences has led to new insights and better methods to process heartbreak faster.
With this knowledge, experts in the field of psychology and relationships have developed new strategies to help people cope with heartbreak. From talking to friends and family to pursuing therapeutic treatments, there are now more options available to help people understand their emotions and reduce their pain. While it can still be challenging, it’s comforting to know that there are now more options to help you get through this difficult time.
1. Look for the flaws
Everyone has some bad qualities that are easy to overlook when dealing with heartbreak. Whether it is secretly smoking, a low IQ or the lack of norms and values, everyone has something that can be seen as a bad trait. What bad quality does the person at the center of your heartbreak have? Emphasize this bad quality. This makes you realize that the person you’re sad about isn’t as great as you think.
2. Apply the no-contact rule
Just as there is no running buffet of drinks and drugs in a rehab clinic for drug addicts, heartbreak does not become any easier if you are constantly confronted with the person you miss. Just as the presence of drugs has a toxic effect on the brain of a drug addict, so too does heartbreak and impossible love. The rule that saves the day is the no-contact rule, which is often used to get over an ex.
The no contact rule is simple. You should not have any contact whatsoever with the person who is part of your grief. Every time you have contact with the person, the sadness is stirred up again. That makes it stronger and stronger. The less you see, speak to or encounter the person, the better. This is the no-contact rule in practice:
- No phone calls
- No physical or ‘casual’ encounters
- Don’t stalk by driving past your house or work
- No DMs on Facebook, Instagram or other social media
- No texts or texts
- No asking through mutual friends
- Do not view online or social media profiles
3. Keep yourself busy
One of the effective ways to combat heartbreak is distraction. This was the case centuries ago and it still is. Whether it’s exercising, shopping, playing games or watching Netflix; do it more often than you do now. Don’t give yourself time to think too much. Enjoy the things you like to do and that make you feel good about yourself.
Start with the things you’ve been ignoring for a while. Think about hobbies you stopped or interests you lost because of the relationship. You can even start doing the things you always planned to do, but never did. A breakup is the perfect time to start over.
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4. Read a book
Not only do books help you get your thoughts back in order and give you peace, specific books also help you weather the storm of emotions. One of the popular books about heartbreak has the same name ‘Lovesickness: seven special encounters about yourself’. This book by Petra van der Heijden is often recommended to people who struggle with love problems and a broken heart .
Step by step, the book provides insight into the how and why of heartbreak in an accessible way. If you are serious about dealing with your heartbreak, then this is recommended.
5. Get social
Heartbreak isolates you from the life around you and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get over the love. You feel that that special person in your arms is the only thing that can help. Unfortunately, this is also the person you can’t have. The people who want to spend time with you are your friends. To cope with your heartbreak, it helps to spend more time with your family and friends.
Research also shows that spending time with dear friends can reduce stress in the body. Give your social life a boost to say goodbye to your fixation on that one person.
6. Flirt (or have sex) with someone else
They say the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone. The doctors of the Middle Ages quickly realized that sex with someone else was a potential treatment and many still think that way today. The chance that your doctor will prescribe sex with someone else is small, but the attention of others can certainly help you combat your heartbreak. Sometimes just the interest of others is enough to get you back in line.
Just flirting and connecting with others can help you gain a new perspective. It provides the much-needed distraction, it gives you confidence again and it teaches you to see that more people are worthy of your love.
7. Accept that it takes time
It’s important to allow your emotions and take time to grieve the end of the relationship. It can help to write down your feelings, listen to music or meditate to process your emotions.
Heartbreak can currently be experienced as an open wound that doesn’t seem to heal. But just as a real wound doesn’t heal overnight, so does heartbreak. The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ exists for a reason. The brain area associated with attachment becomes less active the further you are from the moment of rejection.
Research published by the American Psychological Association shows that you heal more emotionally as time goes on. This could be the result of how the human brain works. You are programmed to continue. It may take a few days, several weeks, or more than a year, but eventually the feeling goes away.
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8. Burn the memories
It’s the hardest thing to do, but it helps a lot. Say goodbye to all the things that remind you of him or her. To move on with your life and say goodbye to heartbreak, a clean slate is the only option. The beginning of your new life starts with removing all memories of your loved one or unrequited love. It’s time to stop the crush .
Put the photo frames in the trash, the digital photos in the trash and burn the gifts you received. Go through your entire home and electronic devices to remove every trace. If you want to start processing today, you start today with the first memories.
If you find yourself unable to control your emotions or have symptoms of depression or anxiety, consider seeking professional help from a psychologist or therapist. Ultimately, heartbreak takes time to heal and the process is different for everyone. Be patient with yourself and know that you will eventually get over this experience.
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