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You are faced with a difficult choice: ending your relationship. It feels like a leap into the deep, a dive into the unknown. You’ve tried for a long time to make it work, to overcome the challenges together and celebrate the highlights. But now you realize it’s time to move on. It feels like a heavy burden that you have been carrying with you for too long.
You remember the moments of happiness, the laughs, the tenderness, the love you shared. But you can no longer close your eyes to the moments of doubt, of disappointment, of frustration. You tried to solve it, to talk, to compromise. But some things cannot be changed. And that’s why the time has come to break up. Because sometimes you have to let go in order to continue living.
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How do you break up?
Breaking up in a relationship is like releasing a balloon into the sky. For a long time you held the balloon tightly, enjoying the colors and the joy it brought. But at some point you realized that it’s time to let go of the balloon, to let it go and go its own way. You let go of the balloon, watch as it slowly rises and eventually disappears from view.
It can be a painful moment, but it also gives a feeling of freedom. It opens up new possibilities, both for the balloon and for yourself. You let go of your grip and make room for growth and change.
At the same time, releasing a balloon can sometimes go wrong, just like breaking up a relationship . You can release the balloon in the wrong place or at the wrong time. If you are not careful enough, the balloon could explode or end up in a tree. Likewise, breaking up in a relationship can also cause emotional pain if not done properly.
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8 steps for breaking up
Ending a relationship can go wrong in many ways. And that’s mainly because it’s never easy to end a relationship, even if it seems mutual. There is often an imbalance in the reasons for staying in or leaving the relationship. According to Robert Taibbi , relationship therapist and author of eleven books, it is important to focus on your own emotions rather than those of the other person. And he says it’s better to focus on the bigger picture. These are the steps Taibbi recommends for breaking up.
1. Plan the conversation in advance
It is important to plan this conversation in advance and not act impulsively. Don’t make sudden confessions or rants after a long night of partying. Don’t start talking about it in the car after a fun day together. Be purposeful and prepared for what you want to say.
2. Be honest about life after the breakup
Do you want to remain friends ? Do logistical matters need to be arranged, such as housing or collecting items? If children are involved, should there be discussions about how you can shape their new life together? It’s important to be clear about what you want and what you want life to be like after the breakup. That also means that you must have thought about those things.
3. Anticipate the reaction
Think about how your partner is likely to react. Will your partner be surprised and emotional? Or maybe your partner isn’t surprised by the announcement that you want to stop, but is still emotional? Or maybe your partner is able to have such conversations without emotions? Either way, anticipating the response can help you prepare for the next steps.
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4. Give a heads up
Give your partner a heads-up before starting the conversation. This can help your partner prepare for what’s coming so they aren’t caught off guard. Give your partner time to sort out their feelings and thoughts. On the other hand, it is also not good to announce it too far in advance, says Taibbi. This can increase anxiety and cause additional pain.
In general, an announcement from a few hours to a few days in advance is sufficient. Think about what is best for the person in question.
5. How, where and when
Ending a relationship is never easy, but with careful planning and compassion, you can handle this difficult situation in the best possible way. Taibbi says that you should not do it with an app or voicemail, and certainly not by ghosting your partner . These ways are all seen as cowardice and can cause a lot of pain. If you don’t live in the same place, calling or a video call is acceptable. But always try to meet in person.
Choose a suitable location and time. It is not wise to have the conversation after a nice evening, because it can be confusing. In the car is also not a good idea, because there is no escape. Don’t schedule the conversation for 11 p.m. on a Tuesday when you’re tired and stressed. Also, try not to have the conversation over a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant, as this can feel quite manipulative.
If you are in couples therapy and want to have the conversation with the help of a therapist, let the therapist know in advance.
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6. Have the conversation
During the conversation itself, it is important to be clear about what you want to say, Tabbi explains. Don’t start with small talk , but be clear right away about your emotions and why you made this decision. Let your partner understand where you come from and how you got to this point. Be concise, clear and avoid details.
If your partner gets too emotional, stay calm and let them express their feelings. If things get out of hand, tell them to stop because you notice yourself getting emotional too. Don’t say you don’t want to talk anymore because they’re too emotional.
Talk about practical matters in a separate conversation. The break-up conversation is not the time to talk about how you can stay friends or how you will split things up. Save this for a later time.
7. Let them know that they can set the pace
Recognize that this isn’t easy and that you are willing to talk more. Say that it’s up to your partner to decide when they’re ready. Give your partner space and a sense of control in a situation that is beyond their control.
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8. After the conversation
Your partner may or may not want to talk more. Reach out, offer to talk, suggest next steps, but most of all, follow through on how your partner wants to wrap things up, Taibbi says. Be open and honest, but also take time for yourself. Decide how much contact you can handle and what you want to do or not do. Don’t become a victim by making yourself feel guilty. Give yourself and your partner the time and space to grieve and accept changes.
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