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Rejecting a partner due to depression: unfortunately it often happens in relationships where one of the partners is depressed. It’s frustrating and confusing, and the “healthy” partner often doesn’t know how to behave. In an effort to help, this partner sometimes does the wrong things. It is important to understand why people with depression often repel partners. And as a partner you naturally want to know how you can best help your loved one.
What is depression?
But what exactly is depression? If someone is depressed, he or she will spend most of his or her life feeling down and having lost all enjoyment in life.
Due to the depressed mood, the person’s body weight may change (increase or decrease), he or she may experience sleep problems, be tired, experience concentration problems, withdraw or behave very agitated. Thoughts of death are also common. We speak of depression when the complaints negatively affect daily life and when this has been the case for a long time.
Sometimes the depression is accompanied by periods in which the person feels excessively good. During such episodes, he or she suddenly starts doing things, and the person may also suddenly take big risks and behave uninhibited.
Depression is not always the result of unpleasant or traumatic experiences. Indeed, it often happens that someone becomes depressed because, for example, the person has lost his or her partner, or because he or she has been fired from work. But it also happens that someone becomes depressed without an identifiable ’cause’. Depression is caused by an interplay of psychological, social and genetic factors.
Depression partner rejection: a defense mechanism
People suffering from depression often tend to push away people close to them, including their partner. It serves as a defense mechanism, because for example they feel better when they are alone, or simply do not have the strength to pay attention to anyone else. As a ‘healthy’ partner, it is important to remain empathetic and do your best to understand the situation.
It is normal if you do not always know how to deal with your depressed partner. Sometimes we make the depression worse, even though we want to help. We do this by not giving enough or too much love. It’s not easy either.
If we better understand why people with depression repel partners , we will also know what we can do to help.
Consequences of depression in a relationship
When one of the partners is depressed, the other also has a hard time. The depression has a major impact on the relationship. The ‘healthy’ partner has to try to adapt and sometimes has to give up a lot.
Because the depressed partner is often so negative, it is unfortunately also difficult for the other partner to remain positive. The other partner may even start to feel a little lonely. Your depressed partner may not feel like doing anything, which is frustrating for you and can make you despondent. Someone with depression may also suffer from a reduced need for physical contact, which can be another problem in a love relationship. It is therefore common for people with depression to reject their partners.
People who suffer from depression are sometimes emotionally inaccessible and isolate themselves. They will pay little attention to their partner and his or her interests.
Depression is temporary
We must remember that depression is a disease. It is something temporary, because at some point your partner will start to feel better.
As a ‘healthy’ partner, try to remain calm and avoid a critical attitude. For now, try to accept its consequences as part of the disease and, above all, do not take it personally. Furthermore, it is also important to realize that things will not change or improve quickly. Recovery takes time. Remember that your partner is still the same person, but is currently experiencing some problems. If you see that your partner is neglecting himself, it is essential that you protect him or her from this.
Depression partner rejection: why does it happen?
Someone with depression is not always aware that he or she is withdrawing from the people he or she loves. Below are examples of reasons why people with depression reject partners:
- Too little energy
- Feeling like a burden to others
- Concentration problems
- Afraid of hurting someone else or being hurt yourself
- Mood swings
If someone forces themselves to have energy or tries to appear cheerful, this quickly leads to mood swings. Because you can’t just keep pretending all the time.
The depressed person suffers from negative thoughts about themselves. Examples include: ‘I really wouldn’t want to be with me right now if I were someone else, so why would my partner want that?’ or ‘Why can’t I just live a normal life?’
If the person were themselves, he or she would be a burden to others and also make their lives more difficult. But to keep pretending that everything is fine takes energy and is exhausting in the long run.
Low energy
People who suffer from depression generally have little energy. And they need to know how to control that little bit of energy to prevent them from sinking even further into their depression. When depressed people are surrounded by others, they often feel compelled to act a certain way. But they don’t have the energy for that. Even if they choose not to participate in a conversation, for example, they become stressed at the thought of appearing uninterested. And this emotion also costs energy, which quickly puts the person in a vicious circle.
A burden to others
When the depressed person opens up and tells others that he or she is not doing well, the response can sometimes be inappropriate. For example, people try to solve things for the person, or are overly positive. Even worse is when they do not offer support and reject the other person. In the latter case, the depressed person will feel that he or she is only causing problems for others and that people are better off without him or her.
Result: better alone
The consequence of the above is that the person starts to think that it is better to be alone. In this way, the fear of being hurt or being a burden to someone else will disappear. Now you don’t have to pretend anymore. As a result, it quickly happens that people with depression repel their partners.
Repelling depression from a partner: What can you do as a ‘healthy’ partner?
You may be afraid to leave your depressed partner alone because of his or her condition. Maybe you try to cheer him or her up and give him or her ‘too much’ love. Even though this is all well intentioned, it can only make the situation worse. Because it forces the depressed partner to pretend to be happier and later they feel like a burden again. What happens then is that people with depression repel partners.
Understanding and patience
It is important to remain understanding, but also to be patient. It can help to look up information about depression. By increasing your knowledge, it can help you better understand your partner’s situation.
Also on days when things are better, try to show love to your partner and make him or her feel that you care about him or her.
Read up on depression
Especially if you’ve never been depressed or simply never dealt with depression, it can be difficult to understand what your partner is feeling. You can involve your partner when searching for information. He or she will not have the energy to search for information himself. Sharing the new knowledge with him or her can reassure him or her. Your depressed partner will learn that he or she is not alone, that it is just a phase, and he or she will also understand the progression of depression. No matter how hopeless the situation seems, it will come to an end.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a depressed person, you’ve learned that it creates an impossible living situation. Because someone who is depressed doesn’t want to do anything, can’t do anything, and can’t think clearly because he or she is trapped in a negative thought pattern. So it happens that people with depression repel partners.
Avoid playing therapist
You want to help your partner, but it seems like everything you do or say makes little difference. No matter how good your advice is, it seems to leave your partner cold. You don’t want to take on the role of ‘mother’ or therapist because you are partners. Because you are so emotionally involved with your partner, it is simply difficult to objectively look for solutions.
Listen and don’t judge
Realize that your partner is just not themselves at the moment. People with depression do not reject their partners on purpose. The depression can make communication between you difficult. Everyone is in a ‘slump’ sometimes, but we can perhaps still see the positive things in life at such moments. With depression, the person feels hopeless and is afraid that things will never turn out well. As a ‘healthy’ partner it is therefore important to avoid certain things. For example, never say things like ‘stop exaggerating’, ‘don’t act like that’ or ‘there are people who have a much more difficult time’. Blaming is also pointless and condemning will certainly not help.
Offer a listening ear, and try to actually listen to your partner’s feelings. You should not make any judgments. This will help your partner acknowledge the problem. Because it is often difficult for a depressed person to recognize that he or she is depressed.
Sometimes it’s enough to listen without saying too much. Simply being there for your partner is enough. Or asking if you can do something for him or her can sometimes be very nice.
Provide support in the right way
Providing support is important, but it must be done in the right way. Below we give you advice in different situations.
Your partner prefers to lie in bed or on the couch all day
What NOT to do: Tell the person that this isn’t going to get better and force him or her to leave the house
What you can do better: don’t try to force anything. You can start by doing light-hearted things that your partner enjoys doing and that don’t require a lot of effort. You can then slowly build this up to larger tasks or activities.
Your partner doesn’t want to talk about his or her feelings
What NOT to do: Force a conversation about his or her feelings. Remember that it is not your job to solve his or her problem.
What you can do better: Have conversations about other things, including the present. When you talk about the past, depressed people can sometimes realize that they were much happier in the past. And that won’t improve their mood.
Your partner opens up and talks about what is bothering him or her
What NOT to do: Downplay the situation or be overly positive to give the person comfort
What you can do better: try to listen and say that you understand, and that you understand that it is difficult now.
Continue to involve your partner in things
Your partner will tend to withdraw. Unfortunately, rejecting a partner due to depression often happens. Although you don’t have to force anything, you can start slowly by motivating him or her to do small routine actions. Taking a walk, running errands, or going shopping can also help.
You can also try to do things that your partner enjoyed when he or she was still comfortable in his or her own skin.
Leave a sweet note and respond positively to small actions that indicate progress.
Seeking help for depression
Furthermore, it is important to motivate your partner to seek professional help. Treatment can help your partner feel better faster, and it can also prevent depression from getting worse.
Especially if the complaints and sadness last longer than two weeks, it is wise to consider getting help. The first step is often to go to the doctor. Let your partner know that you are concerned, which will make him or her feel that you care about him or her. Because depressed people sometimes believe that they don’t matter.
However, remember that by supporting your partner and helping him or her, you cannot simply ‘save’ him or her. So do not take on the role of ‘helper’ or ‘therapist’ by continuously giving advice and coming up with solutions. You are the partner, not the psychologist. It won’t help your partner either, and there’s a good chance you’ll get burned out yourself at some point.
If your partner has been depressed before, it is generally easier to seek help. It is best to do this immediately when you detect signals. The sooner the better, because you can prevent increasing depression by acting quickly. The cause of a relapse into depression can be due to various things. Perhaps the person stopped taking medication too early, did not follow therapy long enough, or did not properly break his or her negative lifestyle patterns.
Don’t forget yourself
As a partner you want to try to solve the problems. However, the more we try to improve the situation, the worse we sometimes make it. In addition, we often forget to continue to take care of ourselves and our mental health. It’s really hard when people with depression repel partners.
That is perhaps the most difficult thing: taking your own health into account and supporting your partner at the same time. It can be exhausting but also frustrating to have to figure out how to best treat your partner while also remaining true to yourself.
There are things that complicate the situation even more. For example, when there are children involved and/or if you are married. In the case of a new relationship, taking a break may be the best solution and possibly picking up the thread again when your partner is able to contribute to the relationship again. Furthermore, it all depends on the severity of the depression and the symptoms.
Talk about your feelings yourself
Talk to someone you trust about your feelings. You can also do this with fellow sufferers or possibly a therapist. You don’t have to do it all alone. Don’t be afraid to get help from others. Also, keep doing the things you like to do.
The fact that you offer support to your partner should not mean that you are crossing your own boundaries. You need to provide a listening ear, but there are also limits. People who are depressed can sometimes also be very irritable. Remember that you don’t have to endure and accept everything.
Your partner may decline a hug or indicate that he or she wants to be left alone. In such cases it is important not to get angry, not to force anything and just to distance yourself for a while. Living with a depressed partner can stir up conflicting emotions. Sometimes you don’t know what to do with it anymore. Continue to take care of yourself and prevent yourself from becoming depressed.
If your partner is talking about suicide, it is essential to call Suicide 1813, for example, or another emergency service. Take this seriously.
Signs of improvement depression
Maybe you suddenly see that your partner is starting to get better, while he or she doesn’t notice it. That’s because the symptoms often occur in a certain order. Early depression is difficult for many people to notice, but it will only be noticed when physical complaints arise – and people can perceive that things are not going well.
When the person is on the mend, the symptoms will slowly disappear in reverse order. The mood will return last. These types of improvements are more visible to those around them than to the depressed person. If you are in this phase, it is wise to undertake more activities with your partner. You may also want to see if your partner is willing to help you think about the causes of the depression and find new ways to prevent a future episode. However, remember that sometimes there are unfortunately no clearly identifiable causes.
Conclusion: rejecting depression from partner
A loved one suffering from depression is difficult. You don’t always know how to best support your partner, and it is also annoying to always have to think through your actions and reactions in advance.
In addition to motivating your partner to seek out a therapist, it may also be a good idea for you to seek such help for yourself. You can also share your feelings with someone you trust. Because right now you can’t expect that emotional support from your partner.
Remaining empathetic is essential. Try to show compassion and be there for your partner during this difficult time. Remember that it is only temporary and better times are coming. But also be kind to yourself
If the depression really does not get better and you as a ‘healthy’ partner are only suffering from it, it is unfortunately sometimes better to end the relationship, or at least to distance yourself for the time being.
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