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As women, we are often so hard on ourselves. If something doesn’t go quite right, we almost automatically blame ourselves. Because we are not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not alert enough, not good enough. Do you hear yourself thinking? “What an idiot I am for not knowing this” or “I haven’t exercised again, I’m so lazy”.
This is the voice of the mean girl. And this girl can be tough and hard for you. And does it work?
Researchers suggest not. Kelly McGonigal of Stanford University found that self-criticism does far more harm than good. Another study shows that the more people criticize themselves, the slower they progress and the less likely they are to achieve their goals.
In fact, neuroscientists claim that self-criticism transforms the brain into a state of self-punishment and self-inhibition, creating more distance from our goal.
Also Read: How to become your own best friend (and why this is more important than you think)
Kristen Neff of the University of Texas suggests that we should reach out to the nice girl within. This does not mean that you always have to give yourself permission to not show up, not keep your appointments or to always blame others. No, think of the nice girl as a mentor or a coach who encourages you to see things clearly and helps you remember that no one is perfect.
Studies show that self-love helps us gain positive feelings that balance our fears, making us more confident and calm. It makes us feel worthy and capable.
But how can you become kinder to yourself? How do you put self-love into practice?
Kristen Neff says self-love is a skill you can teach yourself. The more you practice it, the better it gets. Below you will see 3 ways to get started:
Find out what you really want. Why do you use self-criticism to motivate you (I’m too heavy, I’m too lazy, I’m too impulsive) because you think you’ll change if you’re so hard on yourself? What language would a wise and kind friend use to point out to you that the behavior you are currently exhibiting needs to change? What is the most supportive way you can talk to yourself about these topics? Write this down and hang it somewhere so you can see it every day.
Also Read: How strict are you with yourself? Have an interest in self-compassion
Keep a self-love diary for a week (or longer if you want). Write down all the things you feel bad about. All the things you criticize yourself about or difficult events that hurt you. For every event or bad thing, you practice how you get in touch with yourself, how you think mindfully about the process and how you can process these things in a nicer way for yourself.
Create a self-love mantra . The mean girl is probably so quick to judge you when something goes wrong that you hardly have time to think otherwise. Therefore, make sure you have a mantra in your head that reminds you that you are better than you think: “In most situations, I am better than I think”. This way you do not immediately get bogged down in the negative spiral of self-criticism. Choose a beautiful mantra that suits you to remind you how kind you can be to yourself.
Also Read: The 3 pillars of happiness and self-love: connection, growth and goals
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