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Imagine you are looking at the menu of a restaurant where the person you like so much loves to dine. Your dinner partner always orders steak because that is his favorite food. Since that is not in stock tonight, he ends up with fish fillet. He thinks that is okay, but in the meantime he complains several times about the fact that the number one is not available; ‘his favorite, his favorite dish’ that he was so looking forward to.
You notice that he is visibly disappointed and that the food is enjoyed a lot less than usual. It is that he had to be satisfied with it, but if possible, he would have preferred to come back at another time. The situation reminds you of how he has treated you lately, because the degree of disappointment and capriciousness matches the way he approaches you. And yet you are starting to like him more and more.
The feeling makes you internally waver, because you suddenly realize that you are not his first choice at all. It is at this moment that you make the connection with all the other signals that he has been giving you lately. Are you his second choice?
The ‘he’ in the example can also be a ‘she’, because that does not change the behavior that someone shows in this situation. This guide is for all people who feel like a second choice. Because if you go through the nine signs that we mention here, then there is a chance that there will be similarities. Although of course we hope not for you. Still curious? Then read on quickly.
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What is the second choice?
Being the second choice is never pleasant, because it basically means nothing more than that you are chosen for lack of anything better. You are the standby, a backup in case of emergency , a spare tire, or a backburner as it is also called. Being the second choice is especially painful if you want to be the number one yourself. However, you are not always consciously second choice, because not everyone knows that you are an alternative for someone else.
However, there are several ways to know and confirm that you are not the one who is really at the heart of a relationship between two people. Whatever situation you are in at the moment, if the other person is committed to someone completely different, then it might be a good idea to take a look at yourself.
It may be that the other person is also your second choice, but if that is not the case, you should never settle for less. True love is about winning, where everyone strives for the first place. Everyone forgets the #2.
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62 percent of adults have someone as a backup
Yet it is not uncommon for people to be second in line. In fact, the majority of people in relationships have a backup in case their relationship fails . This is according to a recent study from the University of Oklahoma.
Scientists from the university looked at how relationships developed during the corona crisis. The pandemic contributed to the number of people who contacted an ex-partner again. These people did this mainly because they wanted to know how contact with their ex would go and whether there were opportunities for sex .
The research also found that many people have a backup – someone who is their second choice. The study of 397 adults in long-term relationships found that at least 62% of respondents have someone as a backup.
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9 Signs You’re Someone’s Second Choice
Being second choice is not fun for anyone, because we are talking about the number two and not the winner, about the B-garniture instead of the main course, and the reserve player instead of the regular player. Anyway, we do not want to give you a complex with these annoying comparisons, but it is important to be confronted with the facts. If you yourself also have the feeling that you are someone’s second choice, then you recognize one or more of the signals below.
1. It takes ages for someone to respond to texts
Everyone gets busy sometimes, so you can’t always expect someone to text back right away. But you also don’t want to wait days for a response. After all, most people are on their phones all the time. If you know the other person is free, but you don’t get a timely response to your messages, that’s a sign that you’re on the back burner.
If someone is interested in building a relationship with you, they will usually find the time to communicate with you — no matter how busy they are.
2. There are never any concrete plans
If you are on the waiting list, you should also notice this when it comes to making plans. Your intended partner can go on and on about all sorts of faraway vacation ideas or other wild plans, but when push comes to shove, it never becomes concrete between you. There is enthusiastic talk about doing things together , but when you want to set a date, it suddenly becomes awfully quiet.
However, offering future prospects is a manipulative way to bind someone to you as a backup, simply with the goal that there is always someone to fall back on. The eventual vacations, trips, or weekend trips are taken, but it is always with someone else — precisely at the times that you had indicated that you were unable to attend.
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3. You never get called, despite the promises
If someone keeps promising to call at a certain time, but your phone never rings, you should know enough. It’s not that the other person doesn’t want to talk to you at all, but since you’re number two or maybe number three, you’re only called for lack of anything better. And that always puts you at the bottom of the list. And when you finally do get called, it has nothing to do with what you were expecting.
4. They reappear when they need something
Apart from a quick question about how you are, the other person will quickly move on to the real reason for contact: help. In most cases, this is because the other person needs something from you. Yes, and of course you can still help if someone needs something, but if that is the only reason for contacting you, then you have to dare to say ‘no’ after a few times. Don’t be afraid to speak out about this.
5. The other person can never come on the weekend
You notice that your partner is only available on Monday or Tuesday evenings, or at least during the week. It is also always dark when you meet and, if possible, you prefer not to go to public places. At the same time, this also means that the other person is never available on the weekend, while the best activities are undertaken on the weekend.
If you have noticed this pattern, it looks like the other person is already in a relationship or at least has other priorities . Just ask if the other person can come on a Saturday night and preferably in a place where it is full of other visitors. There is a big chance that the person will suddenly not feel like it.
6. Everything happens on their terms
A relationship should feel balanced, with people giving and taking. With you, however, it all feels very one-sided . If the person only contacts you at the last minute and is only available to you based on their schedule, this is a sign that they don’t see you as a priority.
Think back to the last time and how there has been contact between you. Has everything always happened based on the other person’s conditions. In other words: your agenda has not been taken into account at all. You are only expected to show up.
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7. You are never included in important events
After a few months, it’s only natural to expect the relationship to go beyond Netflix and chill . A true friendship or true love between two people should also involve you in social activities, such as parties or outings. You’ve probably noticed that you’re not consulted when plans are made, even though you know your date had a high point that needed to be celebrated.
If this happens often, it means that the other person does not consider you to be one of his or her main contacts. Confront the other person and see what he or she has to say. Why were you not invited last Saturday?
8. You will only receive last-minute messages
In fact, if you only get texts at 11pm asking if you want to come over later, then there needs to be some awareness. Look, real friends also call and text each other to spend time together when one of them is bored. But in some cases, it can also mean that the person is only contacting you because they have no other options, for example if numbers one and two have canceled or gone home earlier than planned.
At times like these, it’s best to think carefully about what you want. If the level of attention they’re giving you isn’t enough, it’s also okay to look out for your own interests. That means saying no and moving on.
9. You don’t feel comfortable with it
Ultimately, it’s not about getting to the bottom of everything. You probably just need to pay more attention to how you feel about the situation and whether you want to be. In most cases, you want to be accepted, respected, and loved for who you are, not just partially, as is the case if you’re the second choice.
So ask yourself; ‘Am I happy in this relationship?’ and ‘Is this how I want to spend my long term with the other person?’. Chances are that this is not the case and then there is no point in wasting energy or time on it. You are not number one to the other person. That is the only thing that matters. And the reason for that? That should not matter. You do not feel comfortable with it and that is why you are the one saying goodbye. Ciao !
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