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It’s a difficult situation. You love each other very much, but the arguments seem to be getting more and more intense. Compromising is no longer possible and neither of you is willing to make concessions anymore. And as if that wasn’t difficult enough, every argument ends with a threat. Every time you have your say, your partner threatens a breakup.
Emotionally desperate. That’s how you feel when your partner threatens to break up with you again. It makes you insecure and gives you anxiety because you are unsure about the future of the relationship. If it happens all the time, it can also be frustrating because you may have trouble understanding why your partner is doing this. And while all you wanted to do was start the conversation. What should you do with that now? And why does partner threaten to break up?
Why threaten to break up?
People make threats. They do that when they disagree with a situation. Some people do it to hide their own weakness or insecurity and to gain more power over the situation. Others do it to intimidate or threaten to force someone else to do something they don’t actually want to do.
In a relationship, you can use threats in the same way, but also as a way to deliberately inflict emotional damage. This is the case, for example, if you put pressure on your partner and thus cause stress – which is the case with threatening to break up. You can also punish your partner with a threat for something he or she has done.
In all these cases, threatening is a way to show that you are not happy with the situation and that you are willing to take action if necessary. Obviously, this is not an acceptable way to resolve a conflict, but it happens.
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6 reasons to threaten to break up
Some people don’t threaten to break up once, but repeatedly. It has become a way for them to achieve their goal. Why do they do that? These are six reasons that could be behind this.
1. Control
Threatening to break up gives your partner control over the situation. Many people who threaten to break up do it to let their partner know that they are in control. They want to make it clear to their partner that they have authority in the relationship.
2. Manipulation
Some people have used a threat once only to discover that it can be quite effective at getting what they want. Therefore, they continue to use the threat as a way to manipulate their partner. It is a means to an end: forcing their partner to comply with a request. By threatening a break or a real breakup, you can trick your partner into doing what you want.
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3. Hide your own fear
Relationships can evoke feelings of insecurity. Instead of giving in to these emotions, or at least talking about them, some people choose to control the situation with a threat. By threatening, they force their partner to also feel that uncertainty.
4. Avoiding problems
Sometimes it is easier to withdraw than to tackle the problems. By threatening they take the pressure off and avoid an uncomfortable situation. Giving up is easier than fighting. Some people may actually consider—not just threaten—a breakup when they feel like they have no other choice.
5. Attention and recognition
Although most people do not consciously start threatening, some people do. They mainly do this as a way to receive love and confirmation from their partner. By saying things like “If you don’t show me you love me, I’ll leave you” they pressure their partner to pay attention. Because otherwise a relationship breakdown is looming.
6. Expression of dissatisfaction
Sometimes it may also be that someone is simply not happy in the relationship. Threatening to break up is then a way to escape the relationship. If you as a partner go along with it, the threat will force a break.
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What it does to the relationship
If you use threats as a weapon in a relationship, it will have a very negative impact on the relationship. Threatening is not respectful or fair. Not only does it cause a lot of stress and sadness, but it can also lead to the loss of confidence. It can be especially difficult for those who have to deal with the threats.
The target of the threats, or the victim, becomes insecure and may experience fear. This person may feel so uncomfortable in the situation that they dare to communicate more openly and honestly with their partner. This can lead to conflict in the relationship and loss of appreciation and respect for each other.
Using threats in a relationship may be a powerful way to change someone else’s behavior, but it usually only backfires in the long run. It causes you to weaken the bond between you and your partner. Openness and honesty make way for manipulation and control, which is of course never beneficial for a relationship. The result is often that both partners distance themselves emotionally and end up in an on-again, off-again relationship .
One thing is certain: threatening to break up has absolutely no place in a healthy relationship. If you notice that you have found yourself in this vicious circle, where one threat is followed by another, it is important that you break the unhealthy pattern as quickly as possible.
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What you can do about the threats
Relationships that involve threats of break-ups are difficult to deal with. You don’t want to give in to the threats, but you also don’t want to jeopardize your relationship. At least, not because of what the threat is about. These are three tips that can help you.
1. Speak openly about your concerns
If your partner threatens to break up with you, first try to have a calm conversation. If necessary, first take some distance and come together at a later time. This provides the necessary peace of mind to communicate openly and honestly about what is really going on. It’s okay to share your feelings, but try not to fall into blame. It’s about finding a solution.
2. Try to be understanding
Take the time to listen to each other and be understanding, even when it is difficult to do so. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask what is going on. What is the full background behind the threat? Is it ever about the threat or is there something else going on? Let your partner know that you are willing to listen and learn. This can help create more understanding and respect for each other.
3. Keep your emotions in check
Confrontational situations are emotionally difficult. Therefore, it is important to remain calm and collected as this reduces the chance of escalation . Don’t start the conversation if you still have negative feelings, such as anger, fear or frustration.
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