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Maintain more than one (sexual) relationship? In a world where monogamy is the standard, it is still seen as a taboo. The traditional image of the man-woman relationship with two people is far from outdated. In the Netherlands, this type of relationship is by far the most popular. But despite the lack of exact figures, the alternative appears to be on the rise: non-monogamy, or relationships that are not monogamous.
What exactly is non-monogamy?
Monogamy is known as having one partner at a time. With this partner you share love, sex and affection – or at least one of these aspects. Non-monogamy deviates from this and therefore does not follow the rules of monogamy. For example, you have sex with multiple partners or are in love with two people at the same time. When you have an affair with someone else, it is also non-monogamy. But it is also possible with your partner’s permission.
There are many forms of non-monogamy that can overlap. Non-monogamy is difficult to pigeonhole. For example, you can have an open relationship , swing with regular exchange partners or be part of a polyamorous relationship – one in which several people have a love and/or sex relationship with each other. And these are just a few examples.
All these relationships that are not monogamous are repeatedly stigmatized and misunderstood. When a man says he has a relationship with two women at the same time, the best man is criticized and his motives insulted: “He is so oversexed that one woman is not enough for him.” While he may hardly be sexually active with the women.
Although such relationships – with the mutual consent of all partners – are becoming more common, it is still thought that they are only about sex. And especially the frequency of sex, in the sense that there can be alternation between the partners. Sex researcher and social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller says in a recent article that people also label these relationships as problematic. And that people who open their relationships to third parties do so because they are naturally unhappy.
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6 reasons why people choose non-monogamy
In reality, non-monogamous relationships are not just about sex. Or because these people are deeply unhappy with their lives. People choose non-monogamy for a variety of reasons. Research into non-monogamy has now revealed the top 6 reasons.
A recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior surveyed 540 people who were currently in a non-monogamous, consensual relationship. On average they were 34 years old and most came from North America. The average number of current partners was 2, while some reported having 11 partners. The main question asked of the participants was this:
“Tell us about your reasons for being in a consensual non-monogamous relationship.”
They were allowed to write down as little or as much as possible in response, with the researchers subsequently classifying the answers into corresponding themes. After all answers had been checked and analyzed, the researchers came up with 6 main reasons that were mentioned. These are the reasons given, in the words of the researchers.
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1. Autonomy
“It was important for participants to feel in control of their own bodies and the way they interacted and connected with others. Having sexual and relational autonomy appeared to promote independence.”
For these participants, it was “normal” not to be monogamous. The ultimate reason behind this is that it felt natural to them because it allowed them to be themselves.
2. Beliefs
“These beliefs reflected a tension between the limitations of monogamy and the possibilities offered by non-monogamy, as well as ideas about how to fulfill personal and interpersonal needs.”
They tended to view monogamy as restrictive and potentially detrimental to one’s well-being, while open relationships provide the opportunity for growth and self-exploration. Another common belief is that it is difficult to have one partner who meets all your needs, both sexually and emotionally.
3. Relationship benefits
“Participants also reported that non-monogamous relationships gave them the opportunity to develop and maintain friendships, build community and have their own families. Non-monogamy was also a way to meet a partner’s needs, develop connection, and nourish a current relationship.”
Having multiple relationships means more and better connections, with the non-monogamous relationship providing a kind of supportive community. It gives them the opportunity to build more connections with others – connections that are good for a person’s psychological well-being and that strengthen all their relationships.
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4. Sexuality
“Non-monogamous relationships were viewed as a form of relationship that offered participants the opportunity to explore their sexual identities and expressions, experience variety, novelty and excitement, and manage sexual differences in their partnership(s).”
In other words: the participants wanted to discover their sexuality. Then you might think of sexual desires for the same sex, more sexual pleasure with others and the adventure it offers.
5. Growth and self-development
“Many noted that having multiple partners promoted both personal and relational growth and provided opportunities for self-development.”
Non-monogamy is seen as a way to grow and expand a relationship, allowing for deeper intimacy and connection, as well as a greater sense of security. It is also an opportunity for them to grow themselves and experience more variety in life in a non-sexual way.
6. Practical
“Non-monogamy was labeled as more practical than monogamy and that it suits the current lifestyle and life stage of the participants. They described the ways in which non-monogamy enabled them to meet the demands of their work and family lives, maintain long-distance relationships and have relationships that were appropriate for their stage of life.”
While monogamy is the easiest solution for many, this does not apply to everyone. For others, like some respondents, non-monogamy is the best way to sustain their lives and achieve goals.
“It is important to note that these survey results are not necessarily representative of the entire population of people who engage in non-monogamous relationships,” Lehmiller said of the study. “It’s possible there are other reasons why many people are attracted to these relationships.”
“Also, although sex emerged as one of the top six motives, it is clear from this research that non-monogamy is about much more than just sex – it is also about broader psychological fulfillment and being your true self.”
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