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We all have a friend who constantly posts and posts pictures of themselves with their partner. That person’s timeline is probably a constant stream of photos, poems, quotes , and love messages with emojis about how madly in love they are. Their love is forever.
They have great dates and seem to complement each other perfectly. They seal their love with kissing selfies and they openly declare their love for each other. It’s clear they’re crazy about each other. If you see how perfect their relationship is every day, you can start to believe it. But behind this public shell there is often an ugly truth hidden.
Chances are their relationship is far from perfect. Behind closed doors they probably have heated conflicts that degenerate into shouting matches and relationship breaks. The validation of others may be the only thing keeping the ‘perfect couple’ together.
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Perfect relationships are rarely perfect
Most people’s relationships aren’t as great as how they’re portrayed on social media. It’s just the perception of perfection. What no one wants is for their ex-colleagues, school friends and family members to see the reality so that they shake their heads and think, “Wow, he’s done a bad job.”
According to research from UK charity Relate, more than half of millennials (51%) believe their relationship is portrayed as ‘happier’ on social media than it actually is. And 42% of respondents use social media to give the impression of a ‘perfect relationship’, when this is not the case.
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What is your perfect relationship?
Have you ever thought about what your relationship would be like if it were perfect? It is one of the first questions that clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther asks the couples who come for her consultation.
Gunther: “Their answers vary slightly, but are strikingly similar in many respects. They are influenced by childhood expectations, what is currently being promoted on social media and movies, what they read from ‘experts‘ or what they experience in their social groups. Taken together, they consistently compare themselves to others and how their own relationships compare or fall short.”
According to the psychologist, the partners in great relationships do not expect their relationship to be ‘perfect’. They know they have to work every day to keep their relationship great. They know that they should always keep practicing and not expect perfection.
6 misconceptions about perfect relationships
Do you often compare your relationship with couples who are perfect in your eyes? In her forty-year career, Gunther has spent more than 130,000 hours with individuals, couples and families. Based on that, we can say that she has heard a few things from people who compare their relationships with those of others. In all these conversations, Gunther has come across six common misconceptions about perfect relationships.
1. Perfect partners are completely compatible
The best relationships are not two people who are perfect for each other. They are the relationships in which two people adapt to each other, negotiate differences and make compromises.
“If this were true, it would never be a successful relationship,” Gunther says in PsychologyToday . “It is always good for both partners to be able to bend, compromise and generously make room for the other’s desires, but total harmony is completely impractical.
2. Perfect partners want exactly the same thing
As humans, we all have our own needs and priorities. These are unique to everyone. So it is impossible for two people to want exactly the same thing.
“I’ve never met a couple who naturally gets hungry at the same time, wants sex in the same way and as often, wants to socialize with the same people at the exact same time, or sleeps at the same hours,” Gunther explains.
“Yes, it’s great when those desires naturally overlap, but most successful couples I know expect that they will always have to successfully negotiate the difference in ‘appetite’ that they each bring to the relationship.”
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3. Perfect partners always put their relationship first
Good relationships balance the needs of each partner. It’s in balance. But that doesn’t mean the relationship always comes first. According to Gunther, successful couples are flexible, knowing that they must balance the different needs they have – needs that are often not equal for either partner.
4. Perfect partners are never attracted to anyone else
No matter how much you love your partner and how attractive you find your partner, it is always possible to be attracted to someone else. It’s also very normal to wonder what it would be like with someone else.
Research shows that most bonded people who are attracted to someone else experience it as entertainment – someone to distract you, to inspire you to dress nice. According to one study, most people (80%) are attracted to someone other than their partner at some point in their relationship.
Gunther: “The saying ‘It doesn’t matter where you get hungry, as long as you come home for dinner’ applies well here. Partners who can share their (hopefully temporary) desires for adventure or fantasy relationships with another, without fear of being judged or creating problems, have simply accepted that fact and are not threatened by it.”
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5. Perfect partners don’t have major conflicts
As long as we all have our own opinion, relationship conflict is inevitable. People who have a good relationship also argue, just in a different way.
“They have good conflict resolution skills,” Gunther adds. “They know how to listen, respect the other person’s opinion and look for ways to integrate new challenges.”
6. Perfect partners are always ‘on the same team’
It is not necessary to always agree on everything. People who have a good relationship can also disagree, because they want to challenge each other or win themselves. At least, if the rules are fair and mutual.
“They are on the same team about morals, values, ethics, fairness, distribution of resources and the need for spiritual guidance,” Gunther says. “But they may also enjoy fighting out important issues and, hopefully, raising each other’s awareness and limitations.”
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