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Whether you have had a long relationship of 45 years or a relationship of two years: everyone goes through the same phases of a break-up. Some people may get through it faster than others, but everyone goes through the same five phases. Have you gone through all five phases? Then you can honestly say that you have dealt with the break-up.
5 Phases of a break-up
The stages of a break-up are actually similar to those of grief. There are five, according to world-famous psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross . She developed a model of grief (phases of grief) that showed how people process a traumatic or drastic experience in their lives. If you have ever lost a loved one, you can recognize these five phases.
Dealing with a break-up is in fact no different: it is also dealing with the loss of a loved one. Of course, that person is still there, just not in your life anymore. The five stages of a break-up that you need to go through: denial, anger, fighting, depression and acceptance.
One phase can be very short, while the other phase lasts much longer. It also varies per person how long someone mourns a breakup and how long the different phases last. You can’t force it. All you can do is undergo the phases.
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Phase 1: Denial
The first phase everyone has to go through after a break-up is denial. You find the truth so unreal. You can’t actually understand it. That’s why you deny the break-up in the first place. You are so familiar with your ex that it doesn’t feel realistic. You have done so much together and shared together. It hasn’t dawned on you yet that you are really broken up . You deny it and cling to those wonderful memories you made together.
For example, your ex broke off your relationship. You are in complete shock. You are looking for answers and you don’t get them. Since it is your ex’s decision , and not yours, he or she is much further along in this process. You have all kinds of questions and denial is the only way out. You also often do not get immediate answers from your ex to the question why. This creates confusion and that’s why it’s easier to deny the breakup than deal with it.
Phase 2: Anger
The second stage is anger. You have gone through the denial phase and you are no longer denying it. It is reality and you realize that the relationship is really over . Then you suddenly feel a lot of anger. Angry at your ex, at the ex’s friends and family. Maybe on your ex’s new partner. This is a phase in your process that can last a very long, but also very short. You may often feel sad and angry at this stage of the process.
You often see that people send a lot of messages to their ex in this phase . They are filled with anger and frustration. You are going to unfriend your ex on social media and possibly get rid of all the stuff and things that remind you of your ex as quickly as possible.
In this phase, anger and sadness regularly alternate. You can also sometimes fall back to the first phase in this phase. You then suddenly start denying the break-up again. That’s not weird or strange. It is very normal for these phases to overlap.
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Phase 3: Starting the fight
After the phase of denial and anger you enter the phase where you enter into a fight. You should see this in the goals that you set for yourself. You decide to get your life back on track. You often see that people take on many new projects in this phase. They participate in sports fanatically and join all kinds of committees.
During this phase you think you are over your ex . But nothing is less true. As soon as you have the opportunity, look for your ex on social media. You keep an eye on what the other person is doing. You are actually exhibiting a mild form of stalking behavior.
Because you have engaged in all kinds of activities, you give yourself, others and also your ex the feeling that you are completely over the break-up . However, if you think about it carefully, you will know that you still hold out hope for a reunion with your ex .
In this phase you take on far too much. You don’t want to feel your sadness, so you fill your life with all kinds of other activities just to avoid feeling the painful feeling.
Stage 4: Depression
You enter the fourth phase. That is the depressive phase. Because you fought so hard with yourself in the previous phase, you fall into a deep, dark hole in this phase. You feel even more miserable than in the previous phases. Because in this phase you will really feel the sadness and loss.
In this phase you discover that you miss your ex . You feel gloomy, sad, angry, frustrated. In short: you are in a depression. In this phase you can start thinking about the time before you had a relationship with your ex. What was your life like then? What friends did you have? What hobbies? Maybe you gave up things for your ex? Then it’s time to get back to those fun things.
Don’t try to start a new relationship too quickly at this stage. That is a common mistake. People often think that the quickest way to get over your ex is to start a relationship with someone else. You better not do that. You are still in the grieving process of your old relationship. Until you have gone through all five phases, it is best not to enter into a new relationship.
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Phase 5: Acceptance
The fifth stage is that of acceptance. You’ve denied it, you’ve been angry, you’ve tried to get your life back on track, you’ve been depressed. And now you’re finally ready to accept your breakup. This final phase ensures that you return to earth. You take off your sweatpants or house suit. You may feel defeated and give up. You know that your ex will not come back to you and you also know that there is nothing you can do to change that.
Even though you’ve accepted the break-up, you may still be overcome with grief from time to time. But as time goes by, this will become less and less common. At this stage you can admit that you have broken up . And very importantly, you are no longer concerned with winning your ex back.
You also feel hopeful about the future. You no longer have depressive thoughts. Fortunately, you can function normally again. Your boss will be very happy with it too. And you see the possibilities that the future offers you.
In this final phase of the break-up you can let go of the relationship . You no longer feel anger or hatred towards your ex. You now know that you can also do it alone. You don’t need the other person to be happy and to function. In this phase you also often have an answer to the question why. You now know why the relationship ended . You have self-confidence again and you can get going again.
It’s never easy
Every break-up is difficult, sad and painful. Even if you are the one who ends the relationship, you go through these phases. Maybe not in the same order and maybe not all of them, but in most cases it doesn’t deviate much from the five phases.
For the person who ends the relationship, the processing usually goes a lot faster. It is therefore important that you know that it is more difficult for your ex. This person may not have even seen the break-up coming and was suddenly confronted with it. The grieving process will therefore probably take much longer for your ex.
It is important to take this into account and also to show understanding if you have already gone through the entire process, but your ex has not yet. Because you know which phase your ex is in, you can show understanding, even if your ex is not so nice or friendly to you.
As mentioned, these phases are intertwined. It is not the case that you completely complete one phase before starting the next phase. There is a natural progression in these phases. Every now and then you fall back to the previous phase and sometimes you may already be in the next phase. There is no point in rushing, because then the entire grieving process will only take longer.
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