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I have a child, sighs the mother, as she points to her partner. She feels that he is working against her and that she has to do everything herself because of it.
I don’t trust my ex-partner says a father. She doesn’t look after them when the children are with her, so I take care of them more and more. If they don’t want to go to her, they don’t have to as far as I’m concerned.
Parents sigh that they are not on the same page. They disagree about how to approach their children. He accuses her of being inconsistent, she thinks he is far too strict.
These are a number of statements from my practice for parents and educators. I regularly encounter parents who do not work well together. They often strive for the same standards and values, but the interpretation or approach to these is different. As a result, parents get into discussions or even fights, unfortunately often in the presence of the children. If they cannot resolve it together, they gradually lose trust in the other parent. Talking together about parenting no longer takes place. You do your own thing, because you think that is the right thing to do. Agreements are at most about practical matters, such as who will pick up the children and what time they will eat.
You can imagine what this does to your child. He loves both of them, but doesn’t know who to listen to. He asks the same questions to both parents, even though one has already said what should happen. It seems like you are being played out, but the child is actually looking for clarity. If there is no clarity, the child often makes his own plans.
The mutual discussion and struggle will affect the atmosphere at home. Your child can adapt by being careful and thoughtful, in order to keep the atmosphere good. But it is also possible that your child shows difficult behavior, because he lacks safety and clarity. Some children also show difficult behavior, so that parents get angry with him and not with each other. The child then functions as a kind of lightning rod.
Research shows that when parents work well together, children develop better and show fewer behavioral problems. In addition, both parents feel more involved in the upbringing.
In a good collaboration, 3 factors are important:
1. Agreement: parents are on the same page, they discuss and decide together.
2. Support: parents see each other as capable parents and support each other.
3. Management: parents make agreements together and keep to them. They offer each other the space to spend time alone with their child.
As parents it is important that you work together as a team. Even if you are no longer together this is crucial for the development and well-being of your child.
I can well imagine that this is not always easy. But remember that both a father and a mother make a unique contribution to the upbringing. One is not better than the other, you complement each other. Every parent wants the best for their child, so take that responsibility together!
5 tips for optimal cooperation in education:
- Talk about parenting, listen to each other’s views on parenting and raising children.
- Look for win-win situations and make decisions.
- Show understanding for each other’s insecurities, pitfalls and mistakes and see how you can help each other.
- Give each other space and trust in contact with your child.
- Give yourself and others the opportunity to develop as parents and educators.
If you can’t find a solution together or you keep getting bogged down in the same discussions, ask for help. An outsider sees through the patterns that have developed and can offer both partners the space to be heard and learn to listen to each other. That is the starting point for finding the way together again and building a strong team.