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“You always do everything wrong!” It’s not the first time your partner has said this to you. In fact, this phrase seems to be part of a repeating pattern in your relationship. While those words still echo in the room, you feel the tension rising. Your heart pounds in your throat and you wonder how you ended up in this situation.
You try to understand what’s going on. The constant criticism, demeaning comments and constant attempts to control you: it seems to have become a bad habit . You do your best to put the pieces of this confusing situation together. But then you suddenly realize that it’s not just a feeling of discomfort: it could also be emotional abuse. Could you be a victim of emotional abuse in your relationship?
What does emotional abuse mean?
Emotional abuse, also called mental or psychological abuse, is a term that is appearing more and more often. Although it doesn’t leave physical scars, it can significantly impact your self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s all about someone trying to scare, control, or isolate you, and that’s far from healthy .
When you face emotional abuse, you run the risk of being exposed to behaviors that can lead to depression, psychological trauma, anxiety, or even post-traumatic stress disorder. It creates tensions that can ultimately result in serious psychological problems. This is what falls under the heading of ’emotional abuse’.
- Verbal abuse such as shouting or swearing at you.
- Rejection by pretending you don’t exist or don’t matter.
- Decreasing self-esteem by calling you a nickname, telling you you’re stupid, or embarrassing yourself in public.
- Causing anxiety that makes you feel scared, intimidated, or threatened.
- Isolate by limiting your freedom of movement and banning contacts.
- Creating financial dependence by controlling or withholding your money
- Bullying by insulting you repeatedly and saying things that hurt you.
Traditionally, emotional abuse is often seen as where men are the abusers and women are the victims, as you may have heard in old stories. But recent research has shown that both men and women can find themselves in the role of abuser. It can occur in love relationships, but also outside that context, for example between caregivers, parents, or even business partners, without you immediately realizing it.
It’s hard to recognize
Sometimes it’s just hard to fathom, both for the person doing it and for you. But ultimately it can cause significant damage. That’s because it’s often quite inconspicuous. A slap in the face or a push against the wall, no one doubts that – that is physical violence. But emotional abuse? That’s another story.
Physical abuse is immediately noticeable, but emotional abuse often creeps in slowly. It starts with a seemingly innocent comment, but before you know it, you are being humiliated every day. The cases of emotional abuse are therefore quickly overlooked. If you suspect that you are experiencing emotional abuse, it is important to know what to look for.
Also read: Why loving yourself is so important and how to do it
46 signs of emotional abuse
Do you feel like you may be dealing with emotional abuse in your relationship? Then it is wise to take these signals into account. It is very important to recognize the indications early, so that further escalation can be prevented. These are 46 signs by which you can recognize emotional abuse.
1. Your partner neglects you to punish you
Sometimes it seems like your partner is a master at giving the silent treatment. If you find yourself often being ignored or left out, this may be a form of emotional punishment. It’s like sitting in a waiting room while your partner holds the remote control of your relationship.
2. Your partner regularly plays the victim
It seems like your partner is starring in his or her own drama series. Your partner complains about everything and points the finger at everyone but themselves. It seems like your partner never takes responsibility for their own actions.
3. Your partner shows no sympathy or compassion
When you’re going through a hard time, it seems like your partner just isn’t interested. You don’t expect pity, but a little understanding would be nice. But unfortunately, empathy is a scarce resource in this relationship.
4. Your partner ignores your feelings
When you make yourself vulnerable and share your feelings , they are often simply ignored. Your partner doesn’t seem to care.
5. Your partner refers the abuse to mythology
Do you try to hold your partner accountable for his or her behavior? Then it seems as if you are telling a fairy tale. Your partner acts like they have no idea what you’re talking about and simply dismisses your accusations.
6. Your partner sees you as an extension of themselves and not as an individual
In your relationship, it seems like your partner views you as some kind of puppet that they can manipulate to their own wishes. Your own identity seems to be increasingly blurring while your partner keeps a tight rein on things.
7. Your partner likes to shift the blame to someone else
It seems like your partner is a professional debt shifter. Every time something goes wrong, they find a way to pass the buck to others. Especially with you. It’s never their fault.
8. Your partner does not take responsibility for their own actions
When something goes wrong, it seems like your partner is wearing an invisible cloak of responsibility that they never want to put on. They avoid the consequences of their actions like the plague.
9. You are usually emotionally unavailable
You feel like you are emotionally locked down. Every time you try to talk or express your feelings, you hit a wall. It seems like your partner doesn’t allow you to talk about your emotions.
10. Your partner gives you stitches below the belt
In this relationship, it seems like you have to constantly be on the lookout for your partner’s cutting comments. They know exactly which buttons to push to hurt you.
11. Your partner blames you for his or her problems
It seems like your partner is using you as a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in their lives. They point the finger at you as the source of all their problems.
12. Your partner shares personal information with others without your permission
You have noticed that your partner shares your personal stories and secrets with others without your consent. It feels like an invasion of your privacy.
13. Your partner denies the behavior when you confront him or her about it
When you make the brave decision to confront your partner about their behavior, they act like they don’t know anything. They turn the situation around and make you the bad guy.
Also read: 18 Reasons to End Your Relationship (and Dump Your Partner)
14. You face subtle threats
It seems like your partner is a master at issuing sneaky threats. They know exactly how to scare you without immediately becoming violent.
15. Your partner makes negative comments about your behavior
Sometimes it seems like your partner keeps an Excel sheet of all your mistakes and shortcomings, and your partner doesn’t hesitate to use these comments to undermine your self-confidence.
16. Your boundaries are repeatedly violated
You have set clear boundaries , but it seems like your partner makes a sport of exceeding them again and again. It feels like you have no right to your own space and wishes.
17. You receive excuses for the behavior, but the behavior does not change
Sometimes your partner will apologize, but that is usually short-lived. The behavior that hurts you never really seems to change. It’s as if the excuses are just a temporary band-aid.
18. Your partner never apologizes for the behavior
It can also be the other way around, when it seems like your partner has an allergy to excuses. Your partner not only refuses to take responsibility, but also doesn’t apologize. It feels like you deserve an apology, but you never get one.
19. You are belittled or your achievements, ambitions and dreams
Your partner has made a hobby of telling you how incompetent you are. They dampen your enthusiasm for your goals and dreams time and time again.
20. Your partner is quick to pout to get your attention
It seems like your partner is a drama queen who uses every moment to demand attention. Your partner withdraws and acts like a spoiled child to manipulate you.
21. Your partner regularly gives you the silent treatment
The cold silence seems to be a common phenomenon in this relationship. Your partner uses it as a means of punishment, and you feel isolated and left out.
22. You are given nicknames that are offensive or derogatory
Your partner seems to have a knack for coming up with insulting nicknames for you. These are used to undermine your self-esteem.
23. Your partner controls everything you do
Your partner acts like a private detective who constantly monitors what you do, where you are and who you hang out with. They want total control over your life.
Also read: The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: 7 Signs of the Silent Struggle
24. You are always wrong, your partner is always right
It seems as if your partner has a patent on being right. They constantly point out to you that they are right and you are wrong.
25. You have no control over the money you make
Even though you earn your own money, it seems like your partner is in control financially. You have to ask for money as if you were a child.
26. You need permission if you want to make a decision independently
It seems like your partner treats you like a child who is unable to make adult decisions. You should always ask for their approval.
27. You can’t go anywhere without asking your partner
In your relationship, your partner is a permanent tag-along. They expect to always be part of your plans, so that you cannot do anything independently.
28. Your partner corrects you for your behavior
It seems like your partner is a teacher who constantly has to correct your behavior. They make you feel like you’re always doing something wrong.
29. You are treated like a child
Instead of being treated as an equal partner, it seems like your partner is treating you like a child. They take on the role of parent in the relationship.
30. You are accused of things you know are not true
Your partner seems to be a master at making up false accusations. They try to make you feel guilty for things you have no part in.
31. Your ideas, suggestions, or opinions are ignored
It’s as if your partner has a filter that causes all your ideas and opinions to go straight into the trash. They just don’t listen to what you have to say.
32. Your partner doesn’t want to know about your needs
You’ve tried to express your needs and desires, but it seems like your partner just isn’t interested. Your happiness is not their priority.
33. You have stress complaints
The constant tension in your relationship affects your well-being. You often feel stressed, restless and insecure.
34. Your partner lets you know that you deserve the pain you feel
It seems like your partner is trying to convince you that you deserve the emotional pain. They tell you that you owe it to yourself.
35. You regularly have to deal with disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language
Even without words, your partner seems to judge you regularly. Your partner’s disapproving looks and dismissive body language make you feel like you’re failing.
36. You are insulted or belittled in front of others
Your partner has no inhibitions when it comes to public humiliation. They never miss an opportunity to embarrass you in front of others.
37. Your partner uses sex, or the abstinence from it, as a way to control you
Your partner uses sex as a means of blackmail. They can refuse sex to punish you or use it to put pressure on you.
38. Your partner can’t handle criticism, even if it is positive criticism
It seems as if your partner interprets criticism as a personal attack. Even if you give constructive feedback, they can’t handle it.
39. Your partner uses sarcasm to make you feel bad
Your partner uses sarcasm as a weapon to humiliate you. They hide their insults behind a smile, but the pain remains.
40. You are regularly reminded of your flaws, errors or shortcomings
Your partner seems to have a radar for your weaknesses and constantly comments on them. They constantly remind you of your mistakes.
41. You can no longer trust your own judgment
It seems like your partner is constantly planting doubts in your mind. You start to doubt your own judgment and decisions.
42. You feel guilty about the state of your relationship, but you don’t know why
You feel like something is fundamentally wrong in your relationship, but you can’t put your finger on it. You carry a constant burden of guilt.
43. You feel worthless
It seems like your partner is doing everything he can to undermine your self-esteem. You start to believe that you are worthless.
44. Your partner deliberately lies to you to confuse you ( gaslighting )
You have noticed that your partner is deliberately spreading lies to confuse you. They tell you that you are remembering or imagining things incorrectly.
Also read: 4 Destructive Tactics Violent Narcissists Use to End Things
45. Your partner threatens to leave you and blames you for it
It seems like your partner is using the threat of a breakup as a tool of manipulation. They blame you for the possibility of the relationship ending.
46. Your partner threatens to hurt himself and it’s because of you
You’ve noticed that your partner is threatening to hurt themselves, and they’re blaming it on you. And that feels like an emotional stranglehold.
The signs and consequences of psychological abuse often sneak their way into most relationships. You may have noticed something in your own relationship that made you frown, but don’t worry, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in an abusive relationship. Even in the most loving relationships, some of these signs can pop up every now and then. Perhaps you have shown one of these signs in the past. But let’s face it, the impact of emotional abuse can be just as devastating, if not worse, than physical violence.
Do you see many of these signals in your relationship? Remember that this can not only be detrimental to your self-image and self-confidence, but it can also push you into a dark spiral of depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. If you feel like you are a victim of emotional abuse, don’t let it get to that point and talk to a professional counselor. You deserve a healthy and happy relationship, free from these destructive patterns.
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