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Have you ever looked around and wondered why everyone has found love except you? How even the biggest nerd in your class is married with three kids, while you’re still swiping through apps like a… nerd?
You’ve probably come up with all sorts of good reasons why things aren’t working out in love. You’ve had bad luck, you’ve kept meeting the wrong types , or you refuse to settle for less. That’s why you’re still doing some internal research into what you’re really looking for in a partner.
You’re weighing all the potential candidates against a list that’s supposed to help you find love. But that list can be the problem, because it can include things that shouldn’t be there. That’s according to Logan Ury, a dating coach and author of the tellingly named book How to Not Die Alone .
According to Ury, we are not good at judging what we find important in a partner. The most important qualities on the list are not really that important at all. Research shows, says Ury in her book, that people overestimate the importance of certain elements when considering future outcomes. Or simply put: you can’t predict what will make you happy.
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The sunny south
To give an example, let’s go back to 1998, when researchers at the University of Texas asked whether living in sunny Southern California would make people happier than living in the colder Midwest. Now, you might think that people would be happier if they could spend every day at the beach instead of dancing in the rain, but that’s not the case. Despite the vast differences in weather between Southern California and the Midwest, people are equally satisfied. So while some qualities might seem like they’re really important for being more satisfied with your life, they’re not.
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3 unimportant qualities
If we translate this to the dating world, we can say that there are things that you overestimate in the search for a partner. According to Ury, there are three characteristics that we overestimate in finding love – and that are therefore less important than you think.
1. Appearance
While you may be attracted to each other primarily by what you see, appearance is just one of many aspects of a relationship. It’s not as important as people think. “Even if you marry the most attractive person, you’re going to get used to how they look,” Ury says. “That initial enjoyment will fade.”
No one expects you to date someone who makes you feel repulsed. But you could lower the value you place on physical attractiveness . Or at least change your definition of ” your type ” so that more people can be your type.
According to Ury, science shows that lust fades over the years. If you choose your partner solely based on their looks and how attractive you find them, chances are you won’t notice much of it later. So ask yourself: what else is there besides looks?
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2. Same interests or characteristics
Moving from the outside to the inside, we come to personality. Research shows that we seek out people who are similar to ourselves, such as having a similar background or interests. But Ury says that this is not a predictor of a successful relationship.
Ury goes one step further and explains in her book that a partner who complements you is better than a partner who is more or less the same. It is not necessary to do everything together with your partner. It can also be done alone, with friends or with others, which also allows you to retain a piece of your own identity.
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3. Finances
When looking for a partner, some people make the mistake of being guided too much by financial prospects. A high-ranking position with a generous salary? It’s not something you should pay too much attention to, according to Ury. Of course, it does matter somewhat, but only to a certain extent. A normal job with the annual salary of the average Joe? It’s okay.
If a relationship is constantly under pressure due to financial problems, then there is a good chance that this will lead to relationship problems. But the caveat that Ury makes is that research shows that you do not become happier as you earn more. There is a limit. Just as money does not make you happy, a partner with more money does not make you happier either.
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