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When you talk to victims of domestic violence, most people say something like this: “He was really sweet at first.” Some will tell you that his mood suddenly changed and that everything changed from that moment on. “He wasn’t sweet anymore, he became bitter and full of anger.” For others, it wasn’t an abrupt change. The behavior worsened over time and increased in intensity. But almost all of them wonder how they could have missed the signs.
The problem is that these unhealthy relationships usually start out as ideal relationships. An abusive relationship doesn’t start with violence, it starts with romance—or something that resembles love. There’s no shortage of attention, and it feels great to have someone who wants to see you every day. Your new love showers you with romantic gestures, surprises you with gifts, and makes you feel special. And that causes you to miss the red flags that hint at a dark future .
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What are dating ‘red flags’?
A red flag, also known as a red flag, is a warning sign that can appear during a date or relationship. It is a signal that points to a problem or challenge in the future, a sign of dangerous, controlling or toxic behavior. So in this context, the red flag is a warning to stop before it breaks your heart – or worse, actually breaks something in your body.
According to experts, there are several red flags to look out for when dating someone you don’t know well. All of these red flags are signs that someone could resort to physical, sexual, or psychological violence. And if it doesn’t get that far, they are signs that could point to a personal flaw and unhealthy behavior. Some examples of unhealthy behavior:
- He insults, intimidates or humiliates you
- He is very jealous, insecure or controlling
- He isolates you from friends and family
- He forces you into unwanted sexual contact
- He has an explosive temper
- He’s watching you 24/7
- He abuses drugs or alcohol
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14 red flags to watch out for
Are you going on a first date with someone and are you having second thoughts about their behavior? Have you been on a few dates and are you still thinking about some questionable things they said to you? Or are you thinking about taking the plunge into a relationship but still feeling a bit uneasy? Red flags that are spotted early often lead to dangerous situations later on. To prevent you from having to go to a women’s shelter later on – just like 10,000 women a year – we share fourteen red flags to look out for.
1. He bombards you with love
From the many “You’re my life” texts to the constant demands for attention, love bombing is when he tries to influence you with excessive affection. It may feel good in the moment, but it’s a sign of something unhealthy to come. Some examples of love bombing include:
- Too many compliments
- Spending a lot of time together very quickly
- Lots of gifts
- Want to know everything – and I mean absolutely everything – about you
- Copy all your interests and want to join in
2. He doesn’t respect your boundaries
As humans, we all have different physical, sexual, and mental boundaries. When you start dating someone, it’s all about exploring those boundaries in a healthy way that makes everyone feel respected and safe. If he’s pressuring you or pushing you to push your boundaries, this is a major red flag in dating.
3. He always wants to know where you are
Everyone likes to feel cherished. It feels safe to have someone watching over you. However, it’s a different story if you feel like you’re being followed in everything you do. Does he check in on you several times a night with a “Where are you” text? Then you can see that as a red flag.
4. He isolates you
He wants to be alone with you – no one else around. If you want to go to friends or family, he will try to convince you to come to his place. And while that may sound flattering, it can lead to you becoming isolated from your family and friends.
5. He gets jealous quickly
Jealousy is a toxic emotion. That is why it is also called the green monster . Despite the fact that (almost) everyone can feel something of jealousy, there is a clear line between healthy jealousy and extreme or pathological jealousy. Signs of the extreme variant are the sign for you to escape the relationship while you still can.
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6. He makes fun of you
“I was just joking,” he says after he’s just made fun of you in front of a crowd. If someone you’re dating does this, it’s a red flag . Whether it’s an insulting comment or a demeaning question, this is not something you should put up with. Especially not from someone you barely know. Chances are, this behavior will only get worse as you get to know each other better.
7. He only has ‘crazy’ exes
If he tells you his exes were all crazy , what he really means is that he is the victim and his exes are the perpetrators. And that is rarely the case, because it is usually not the whole truth. It is a red flag because it is an avoidance of his own responsibilities.
8. He is not trusted by anyone
Your friends say they don’t trust him, your family feels the same way. All these people saying they don’t trust him: could it be true? If everyone thinks he’s not trustworthy, consider it a red flag. People who aren’t part of the relationship usually sense this better than those who are drugged by the hormones of love.
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9. He denies you things
Breaking up with someone you like can be tough, but it’s the only right thing to do in a situation where someone is denying you things . Are you no longer allowed to go out with your friends? Are you told to stay home and not go to the gym? It’s a red flag if he’s forbidding you things. Controlling and possessive behavior can also escalate to verbal or physical abuse.
10. He changes moods quickly
He seemed so charming and generous, until something happened that you still don’t know what it was. From one moment to the next, he exploded with anger – an inexplicable wave of rage that swept through the room for three seconds. And as quickly as it started, it was gone. That one flash of “Jekyll and Hyde” is a red flag not to be ignored.
11. He gives you that gut feeling
And we’re not talking about butterflies . The feeling he gives you is different. It’s a bad feeling that tells you something’s not right, like your intuition is trying to warn you of something that’s coming. That gut feeling is a warning, both in dating and in a relationship.
12. He ‘punishes’ you
Because you are a few minutes late to the appointment, he pretends you are not there. You may get an answer back when you ask something, but that is it. Or he withholds affection and tries to punish you. If he tries to ‘punish’ you in similar ways, this is a big red flag.
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13. He lies about many little things
He says he watered the plants, but it turns out he didn’t. If you find that he lies about almost every little thing, be aware that it could get much worse. How comfortable he is with telling little white lies says a lot about how he handles the bigger lies. If you find a pattern of lying, take it as a warning sign.
14. He has never had a long-term relationship
There’s a first time for everything. But if he’s well into his thirties, you may start to wonder why he’s never had a relationship. Is he emotionally immature, aka the man with Peter Pan syndrome , or is he not monogamous? Unfortunately, most men who have never had a long-term relationship have something wrong. And that’s a red flag.
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