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Discussions happen in every relationship. Sometimes they are trivial disagreements, other times they are heated conflicts. No matter how happy you are with each other: it is inevitable. And before you start thinking that your relationship is bad, it’s good to realize that all happy couples fight too. In fact, couples who do this are more likely to stay together than couples who avoid their problems.
No one really likes to argue with their partner, but it just happens. That’s what happens when you put two people with their own opinions, views and emotions in the same house. It is impossible to avoid a disagreement and relationships without arguments are therefore quite rare.
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That said, there is a clear distinction to be made between happy and not-happy couples. We find this difference in the way they deal with disagreements and arguments . While they may argue about the exact same things as “normal” couples, happy couples do so in a different way. They don’t let disagreements get out of hand and try not to make these 12 mistakes.
1. You assume that the other person sees your perspective
Two people can experience exactly the same thing, but experience it completely differently. Just imagine jumping out of an airplane, experiencing a 30-second free fall before opening the parachute. For some it is one of the most peaceful experiences to float through nothingness, for others it is a horrible experience resulting in many sleepless nights.
What we want to say is that everyone experiences life differently, including the relationships they are in. Your partner doesn’t see it from your perspective – you’re the only one who can.
2. You think you are right and the other person is wrong
Most arguments that are not resolved end up in a right-or-wrong debate – a battle over who is right and who is wrong. But fighting over who is right and who is wrong is inherently wrong . It is not at all about who is right.
“Rarely is the argument about the ‘thing’ you’re arguing about like leaving hair in the sink,” relationship expert Neil Wilkie tells MetroUK . “They are often about the underlying feelings that are created. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are what that person experiences.”
3. You start talking louder
While winning an argument shouldn’t be your goal, talking louder certainly doesn’t help. We’ve all experienced it: you give your opinion about something, after which the other person repeats their own argument again – only much louder, to reinforce it. If you have to raise your voice to “win” the argument, then your argument is simply not strong enough.
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4. You are determined to ‘win’
Perhaps ‘winning’ an argument gives you a feeling of satisfaction, but in the end you gain nothing. In fact, you pay the price for it yourself. You unconsciously damage the relationship by trying to win. Why? As soon as you view a disagreement or discussion as winning or losing, you have already lost. What should the goal be? Creating a win-win situation for both.
5. You keep repeating yourself
Do you think it helps to convince the other person if you repeat yourself more often? Too bad, but it doesn’t. Saying the same thing over and over again has no effect. Repeating yourself during a discussion is also known as proof by assertion . But even when the counterarguments dry up and it is no longer contradicted, it does not have a positive impact on the relationship… rather a negative one.
6. You use gestures of disapproval
Rolling your eyes, pointing your index finger and shaking your head: these are gestures that escalate a normal disagreement. Any of these gestures can make everything worse than it already is. This also applies to defensive body language such as closed arms, fists and turning your back. These gestures show anger and contempt, which of course does not benefit the relationship. When emotions are running high, your body language will probably be the last thing on your mind, but it’s important to be aware of it.
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7. You bring in other ‘problems’
Even though the argument started on one topic, you start to involve other unrelated things as well. For example, you’re having a discussion about the huge amount of money you spent on something petty. As a counterargument, you start talking about the other person’s expenses. Sounds logical, right? Well no.
It is normal to want to dig old cows out of the ditch as ‘evidence’ in the current disagreement, but it does not help to find a solution. Moreover, this will only be confusing, as it is unlikely that you will be able to tackle a few problems at once.
8. You hit below the belt
Name-calling, belittling, and insulting are the easiest ways to hurt a partner. At the same time, it is also one of the biggest mistakes you can make during a disagreement. No matter how angry or frustrated you are, it is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
“If you’ve been with your partner long enough, you probably know some things about the other person that would be especially hurtful if you brought them up during an argument,” marriage Gary Brown tells HuffPost . “For example, if you know that your partner has an anxiety disorder, it would be unnecessarily hurtful to say something like, ‘You’re always afraid. What a weakling you are!’”
9. You try to talk it out via app
Texting is great for expressing your love for each other, sending heart emojis and discussing who will prepare dinner. It’s not so great if you use it to resolve an argument. Why? Because apps can be misinterpreted very quickly. Having or not having an emoji at the end of the sentence makes a world of difference. You cannot read the other person’s body language, you cannot hear the tone of voice and you also miss all the facial expressions that you notice during a normal conversation.
10. Ignoring your partner
A common mistake during arguments is ignoring the other person, also known as the silent treatment . It’s the situation where you don’t want to communicate with your partner at all, even to the point of ignoring their existence. Whether you do it to remove an intense confrontation, to show that you are angry, or to “punish” your partner, it is not a good tactic. By closing off completely, you do not open yourself up to discussing and solving the problem. The alternative? A time-out, to come back to it later.
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11. You don’t listen (really)
Where many people go wrong during arguments in relationships is that they are more concerned with their response than with listening. It seems like it is in our nature: to wait until we can speak, respond and defend, when what we should be doing is listening and thinking about a solution. What often happens is that the discussion turns into a conversation in which both state their own arguments, but neither is open to listening to the other’s argument. And we’re talking about listening because you want to understand the other person’s perspective, not because you want to use the other person’s argument against them.
12. You bring up issues at the wrong time
While your friend is gaming, you start talking about something that’s bothering you. It is something that has been bothering you for weeks, but so far you have not found the right time to discuss it. You explain the story only to get the familiar response: “Huh, what did you say?” You walk away angry, because ‘you are never listened to’. While no one likes feeling unheard, there is such a thing as choosing the wrong time.
There’s no point in starting a serious conversation if one of you isn’t ready. Or at a time that is not suitable, such as a dinner with family or after a few drinks. Can it wait? Then try to find a time later in the day when you can have a quiet and productive conversation.
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