11 Ways to Gain More Confidence in Dating

Dating is exciting. If you ask most people, first dates are even more exciting than job interviews. They can be overwhelming, boring, and sometimes an experience to forget very quickly. In the meantime, you’re dealing with waves of nervousness and anxiety that make a second date virtually impossible.

First dates are scary because there are so many unknowns – uncertainties that can’t be predicted in advance. No matter how many times you’ve been on a date, these uncertainties remain and are a permanent part of dating. And because we humans are so good at thinking of worst-case scenarios, it’s sometimes easier to cancel the date than to actually go on one. But that really shouldn’t be an option.

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11 Ways to Gain Confidence in Dating

It may not be realistic to expect to feel zero anxiety on a first date , but there are ways to build more confidence in dating. Psychologist Roxy Zarrabi says that building your dating confidence is like building muscle; it takes intention, practice, and patience.

“Just as you wouldn’t go to the gym once and expect to build stamina and muscle, you shouldn’t expect the same results when it comes to building your dating confidence,” Zarrabi says. In PsychologyToday, she explains how to boost your dating confidence with these 11 tips.

1. Create a pre-date routine

A set routine before the date can help you feel calm and confident. Think about what activities or exercises can help you release tension and feel centered.

“Feeling grounded can help you manage your nerves and be fully present on your date,” says Zarrabi. “If you’re not sure what activities will help you feel grounded, try making a pre-date playlist of songs, meditation, dance, exercise, or a mindfulness practice.”

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2. Think about your confident self

Think back to a time when you felt most confident. When was that? What were you doing? Who were you with and what were you wearing? Try to ‘take’ something from that moment with you to the date to carry that feeling with you. This will change how you feel during the date.

3. Make a list of your strengths

Before a date, it’s not uncommon to doubt yourself. You might think you’re “no good,” too ugly, or have nothing to offer. As a counter-initiative, she suggests making a list of your strengths.

Zarrabi: “Consider positive feedback you’ve received in the past or ask family and friends what they think your strengths are. Keep this list handy and review it before every first date. Not only can this be a confidence booster, but it can also be a helpful reminder of the support you have in your life, no matter how the date goes.”

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4. Think of some questions you want to ask

Never have an awkward silence again ? Think of some questions you can ask ahead of time to get to know your date better. If you feel like you have nothing to say, you can fall back on these questions. Consider questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” that you can answer, such as:

• What was the last thing you were excited about and why?
• What’s something that made you laugh recently?
• What’s the last series you watched?

5. Visualize how you want to feel on the date

Visualizing actually does the opposite of worrying. While worrying is all about everything that could go wrong on the date, visualizing is all about the goals you want to achieve on the date. According to research, visualizing helps improve performance and confidence. Visualizing how you want to feel on the date increases the chance that you will have a confident mindset during the date.

Zarrabi: “Take 5-10 minutes to close your eyes and imagine what it would be like to be confident on your date. What would you say? What would your posture look like? What would you think? How would your body feel? Try to focus on engaging your senses as you visualize the date scene to make it feel as vivid as possible.”

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6. Get feedback on your dating style

If you feel like you could use some help with how to behave on a date, consider meeting with a matchmaker or dating coach . They are experts at giving this kind of feedback. They can help point out habits or mannerisms that you didn’t realize are unattractive on a date.

7. Discover your relationship needs and communication preferences

Dating is easier when you date people who match who you are. When you know your relationship needs and communication preferences, you can usually tell early on whether or not someone is a good fit for you.

“Knowing this information is vital to connecting you with the right person, but also eliminating the people who are not able to meet your needs,” Zarrabi explains. “When you know what you want, you spend less time with people who are not a good fit for you, which is empowering and can ultimately increase your self-confidence.”

8. Focus on whether you like the person

And therefore not the other way around, whether the other likes you . According to the psychologist, it increases the chance that you will feel insecure when you approach the date with the question whether the other will like you.

“When you shift the focus to whether you like someone, it’s empowering because it’s no longer just up to the other person to decide whether there’s more to it. As a result, this shift can help build your confidence in dating.”

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9. Think of strategies you can use on the date

What do you do when the first 20 to 30 minutes of the date have passed and you’re still nervous? Zarrabi suggests coming up with a strategy beforehand — a plan to help yourself during the date.

“For example, this might mean stepping away and texting a friend for a quick pep talk, a short breathing or mindfulness exercise, or looking at a list on your phone that you prepared ahead of time of reminders or affirmations that feel calming in the moment.”

10. Get support from friends or family.

Together is always easier than alone. So get help from someone who can contribute. Tell them you want to gain more confidence in dating and ask them if they can help you with that.

11. Think about what could be improved

Every date is unique. It can be a funny anecdote that you will tell for years at birthdays, a catastrophe or a special meeting with your life partner. You never know what it will be. But no matter how the dates go , no matter the outcome, they do give you the opportunity to learn from the experience.

“Consider thinking about what you think went well on the date and what areas you would like to improve,” Zarrabi says. “For example, maybe you were able to ask thoughtful questions during the date to get to know each other better, but you also found yourself talking a lot because you were nervous.”

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