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It is completely normal that we occasionally clash with our partner. Every relationship has to do with arguments and discussions . We all know that life is not always roses and moonshine. Honestly, that would make life quite monotonous, wouldn’t it? Every relationship therefore has its own unique ups and downs .
This does not alter the fact that there are also cases that may be cause for concern. For example, you feel anxious when your partner comes home or you feel trapped in a situation that seems to be getting worse. We are soon talking about a toxic relationship, a destructive state in which two people find themselves. In such a case, it is important to know when it is time to sound the alarm.
It is not easy to recognize and therefore break a toxic relationship. Would you also like to know if you are in this situation and how you can get through it? We tell you what exactly a toxic relationship is and what red flags there are.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship occurs when both partners, or one of the two, exhibits toxic characteristics. however, there is no set definition for toxic or poisonous behavior. If there is a toxic relationship, you could, for example, encounter this:
- You are constantly confused by the other person’s behavior.
- You feel like you deserve an apology but never get it.
- You always have to defend yourself against your partner.
- You never feel completely like yourself with the other person.
- You constantly feel bad about yourself in the presence of the other person.
- You feel like you are being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
For example, people who exhibit toxic behavior often blame others. What they often forget is to look at their own behavior that endangers the relationship. The combination of two people exhibiting this behavior is even worse: it can end up like a ticking time bomb about to explode.
The hallmarks of toxicity in a relationship
We are dealing here with a relationship where there is no mutual support. Rather, they are conflicts where one person tries to undermine the other, competition and a lack of respect for each other. But not all features need to be present.
What matters most is that there is a sense of enmity. Bitterness and hostility so bad that you wonder how it got to this point. A toxic relationship does not necessarily have to be romantic. Friendly, familial and professional relationships can just as easily be toxic for you.
What makes a relationship toxic?
People who have had to deal with a toxic relationship all have a different story. No two toxic relationships are exactly the same. It is sometimes the result of a wrong combination. For example, think of two people who both need control, are possessive, or an empathetic type who sacrifices his or her needs for a controlling type. What toxic relationships have in common is that there is at least one partner who consistently – intentionally or unintentionally – undermines and harms the other.
Toxic character traits often have an underlying reason and usually toxic partners are not aware of it. For example, it could be that your toxic boyfriend or girlfriend did not have a loving upbringing or was bullied a lot in the past. It may also be that the other person suffers from a (yet undiagnosed) psychological disorder, eating disorder or trauma.
The impact of toxic relationships
Toxic relationships are always unpleasant and exhausting for both partners. Eventually it comes to a point where the negative moments outweigh the positive ones. It can even have harmful and lasting effects on your mental, emotional or physical health.
Studies show that the impact of a toxic relationship on our physical and mental health is quite significant. It should not be underestimated. Physical effects include poor sleep, a higher risk of heart problems, high blood sugar levels, high blood pressure, obesity, a weakened immune system and organ damage.
The impact on mental health is harder to recognize, but in most cases a toxic relationship leads to insecurity, poor self-image, depression, reduced energy and mental fatigue. This is because in times of stress our body is flooded with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which trigger the fight, flight, freeze mode.
ALSO READ: 12 Mistakes You Make When you Argue with Your Partner
10 signs of a toxic relationship
Given the negative impact of a toxic relationship on your well-being, it is important to understand the difference between the normal ups and downs of a relationship and a toxic situation. These are ten signs you should pay attention to.
1. You can’t enjoy the now
You either look back and remember the good times or you mostly remember the negative moments. For example, you wonder why you ever started a relationship with the other person. You cannot enjoy the here and now, because reality is not stable. Or because you know it has no future .
2. Lack of communication
Although you have clearly put your arguments on the table, it seems like all the conversations are going around in circles. Nothing gets resolved. You may talk to each other, but you are not really listening. You may not be able to express yourself or there may be a lot of awkward silence.
3. There is no real connection anymore
You feel like you have grown apart and are living parallel lives. Hugs and touches no longer feel like they used to and sex hardly feels like that. You probably find your partner annoying on a regular basis and you notice that the things the other person does wrong outweigh the things the other person does right.
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4. There is no complete commitment
It seems like the relationship has become a habit and there is little input from either side. You may also feel controlled by the other person and therefore unable to be your true self. For example, the other person may put you down and not take responsibility for their part in the relationship. You constantly feel that you are the problem.
5. You visit your social circle less
You should also pay attention to changes in your relationships with other people or in the way you spend your free time. You may feel bad towards your partner because you do things on your own time. Or precisely because you have to be there for your partner all the time. Know that you are going too far if you can no longer be your individual self and give all your time to your partner.
ALSO READ: Compersion: This is What The Jalief Feeling Means
6. The fun is gone
When was the last time you two actually had fun together? If you have trouble remembering this or if it seems like too long ago, you may be dealing with a toxic relationship. The fun in a relationship quickly disappears if you are treated poorly .
7. You’re not moving forward
It feels like you’re stuck in a rut and haven’t grown as an individual or as a couple. Maybe you feel held back and can’t move forward, while you have the desire to be so much more than you are now. In a toxic relationship, we often feel unable to grow because we think our partner wouldn’t like it. Or maybe you’re afraid that your partner will like you less if you try something new.
8. Concerns from family or friends
People in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. So it can get to the point that you maintain a relationship that causes damage for years without realizing it. By the time you realize it, you’ve probably experienced it as something ‘normal’ for years. This makes sense, because in a toxic relationship one often feels paralyzed.
ALSO READ: 15 Biggest Factors That Cause Relationship Stress
9. You don’t trust your partner (anymore)
You simply don’t trust your partner. Sometimes you don’t know where they are, what they are doing or who they are with. You may feel like there is someone else there, but you don’t know who. You tried to bring this up, but received an angry or unclear response. Toxic partners often lie. Although the lies may seem small and harmless, you should be wary of this too.
10. Being unhappy
Perhaps one of the simplest red flags of a toxic relationship is persistent unhappiness. If a relationship no longer brings you joy and instead you are consistently sad, angry, or anxious, this indicates a toxic situation. Or you catch yourself being jealous of happy couples .
ALSO READ: Reading Each Other’s Minds: The Pitfall of ‘Mind Reading’ in Relationships
What can you do to make your relationship less toxic?
People often choose to continue in an extremely toxic relationship. But in most cases this is not the best solution. We all know the horror stories of toxic relationships ending in drama.
If it becomes too difficult, ask yourself what your future will look like if you continue with it. How much pain will this cause you, your partner, family or friends? In the long term, breaking up is a better solution. Just remember that you and your partner will carry toxic behavior patterns into future relationships.
The best way to break toxicity is communication. Start an open and honest conversation about what you both think about the relationship and what you both want to happen. If you’re afraid to do this, why would you? It can only bring about an improvement. If your partner doesn’t want to participate, that says enough. In that case, it might be time to break up.
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