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For most people, a relationship without arguments is a utopia. Even though they know they are guilty of starting fights, they would like a relationship where no one ever raises a voice or accuses the other. And what they want even more is that there are no arguments where it seems as if there is no cause at all. We all know that, don’t we?
After the dreamy start of a relationship, the harsh reality of everyday life emerges and disagreements can arise. You stick to your own views and stand up for your opinion. Some couples can make it a daily ritual, while others hardly seem to argue at all. But how often you have a relationship conflict is not actually important, what matters is how you deal with the disagreements and how you communicate them.
Is it normal to argue often? Yes, it’s normal. Is it healthy? No, that’s not it. If you know how to resolve a relationship conflict, arguing in a relationship is healthy. It helps you get to know your loved one’s needs and expectations. But if you don’t learn that, as simple disagreements escalate into fights, holes in doors and pent-up anger, then it’s a sign that there is work to be done.
10 sentences that help to avoid an argument
According to conflict expert Bill Eddy, showing empathy, attention or respect (EAR) is one of the easiest ways to calm a conflict, reassure a person who is feeling sad or strengthen the bond. And according to Eddy you can do this with a simple sentence that he calls an EAR statement. Eddy, who is Training Director of the High Conflict Institute, gives some examples of these EAR sentences in PsychologyToday to prevent conflict in a relationship.
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Empathy
You can show empathy with a simple sentence that shows you can understand, see, or hear what another person might be experiencing. These sentences do not mean that you ‘know exactly’ how the other person feels, but they do mean that you understand the other person’s feeling.
- “I can understand your frustration with this situation.”
- “I hear how hard this is.”
- “I can tell this isn’t the way you wanted this to go.”
- “I feel that way sometimes too.”
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Attention
Sometimes attention is all that is needed to cool a conflict. Letting the other person know that you stop what you are doing and pay attention can reduce tension. “Try to maintain eye contact,” says Eddy. “Leaning forward can also show interest, which you can even do on a screen in a virtual conversation.”
- “Tell me more. I want to understand what is going on.”
- “I care about you. I will listen.”
- “You have my full attention.”
Respect
We all want to be respected by our partner. Giving respect to your partner is not difficult and it can lead to a meaningful conversation. Eddy says, “Simply letting a partner or friend know that you respect him or her for something, even in the middle of an argument, can turn things into a friendlier and more caring discussion.”
- “I really respect the kind of work you do.”
- “I respect your relationship with our daughter.”
- “I respect your commitment to solving this problem.”
According to Eddy, who also works as a Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, you can use these EAR statements at any time and with any person. Now you may think that you don’t feel like doing that at all when the conflict comes to a head, but that is also why these sentences are so powerful. EAR statements often have a calming effect and help to facilitate better communication and problem solving.
“EAR statements are one of the easiest ways to calm a conflict, help someone who is not feeling well or strengthen a relationship,” says Eddy. “They can be as simple as a sentence, or a longer statement that shows all three qualities: empathy, consideration and respect.”
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