Recognizing Passive-Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship

Pieter and Johan are good friends and often fall for the same type of woman. This is also the case with Sarah, Johan’s girlfriend. Behind Johan’s back, Pieter sends her spicy text messages and, when he’s had a few drinks, an unwanted dick pic . Sarah tells Johan honestly, and he gets angry.

It is not the first time that Pieter has done something like this to Johan, which makes Johan even more furious. Johan walks over to Pieter with fire in his eyes, “What are you doing, asshole?!” he says and hits Pieter on the chin. By introducing Pieter to his fist, Johan has shown a form of aggressive behavior.

Johan’s aggressive behavior has a clear reason: he wants to stand up for himself. He wants to exert power over Pieter by using physical violence. In turn, Pieter feels ashamed, guilty and dominated by Johan’s aggressive behavior. It is the behavior we all imagine when someone exhibits aggressive behavior. But even without hitting, Johan could be aggressive against Pieter.

Another form of aggressive behavior is the passive form: passive-aggressive behavior. Although it is not the best way, this is also a way to deal with a conflict. And the blow that is dealt with it often hits a bit harder than a single fist to the chin. Call it a punch below the belt.

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What is passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior is an intentional and masked way of expressing hidden feelings of anger. That’s the scientific definition that Long, Long & Whitson laid out in their book ‘ The Angry Smile ‘. It is a form of aggressive behavior in which you exhibit a pattern of passive hostility. This means you are aggressive in a non-aggressive way. And if you are not familiar with that as a ‘receiver’ it is difficult to recognize.

Passive-aggressive behavior is recognizable by the difference between what you say and what you do. For example, if you have negative feelings about something, you express this indirectly, instead of discussing it face-to-face. You do not make it known directly to the person involved, but let the person “feel” it through your behavior. Here are some ways to conduct such a silent power struggle:

• Shut up
• Sabotage
• To ignore
• Saying yes, meaning no
• Criticizing everything the other person does
• Sarcasm
• Contempt
• Don’t do what you’re told
• Cynicism
• Avoiding intimacy
• To be late
• No show
• To leave something behind
• Accusing the other

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The passive-aggressive Johan

If we go back to Pieter and Johan’s situation, Johan could also take the passive-aggressive route. He could cover up the sexting story and keep quiet about the sexy apps to Pieter . He could ignore Pieter and let him “guess” why he is getting the silent treatment . And Johan could embarrass Pieter in a group, make sarcastic comments or otherwise put him in a bad light.

Johan could take revenge on Pieter without him recognizing the underlying anger or knowing why Johan is suddenly being so ‘nasty’ to him. He could be acting passive-aggressive.

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Recognizing passive-aggressive behavior

The passive-aggressive behavior that is common in relationships is not that hard to recognize. But it is probably the hardest to deal with. Because in most cases, you don’t really know where things stand.

For example, if another person is upset, it may be routine for that person to hold back and say nothing. What they are feeling is not discussed and the partner is left in the dark. The frustration, irritation or disappointment of one partner is unknown to the other partner. When feelings are bottled up, they can explode at a later time, but it can also lead to passive-aggressive behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior can be exhibited – consciously or unconsciously – by saying yes when you mean no . You can make sarcastic remarks about your partner without directly discussing it. And you can also express your anger by remaining silent instead of talking about it. These are more examples of passive-aggressive behavior that you encounter in relationships.

1. Silent treatment

One of the most well-known forms of passive-aggressive behavior is the silent treatment : completely ignoring the other person. You don’t talk to each other, you don’t discuss, you are silent and avoid the other person. You hope that the other person can somehow read your thoughts, knows exactly why you are upset and will therefore apologize. In relationships you see this in situations where couples don’t tell each other what is going on: “ Is something wrong? ” – “No.”

2. Postpone tasks

Whether you are asked to do the laundry, take out the garbage or put away your socks: you don’t do it right away. You wait until it annoys your partner. Instead of telling why you can’t or don’t want to do it, leave it until the last minute.

3. Oppose everything

Another way to express your anger is to consciously go against everything. With your actions and behavior you are the rebel in the relationship: you agree to nothing. Everything is difficult, because you do not want to compromise. And nothing appeals to you anymore, not even the fun things you like to do.

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4. Negative interpretation

A mistake many people make in relationships is assuming that others can read minds. They assume their partner knows how they feel without talking about it. And if that partner does or asks something that is simply too much at that moment, they immediately assume that the partner is doing it deliberately to apply pressure.

They tend to interpret situations negatively and it doesn’t occur to them to ask for the reason. They make it up themselves. And the behavior that follows is hostile and passive-aggressive.

5. Deliberately doing something wrong

A passive-aggressive way to show that you don’t like doing something is to deliberately do it wrong or poorly. Suppose you are asked to clean the windows, then you make sure that the stripes cannot be missed. That should prevent you from ever being asked to play the window cleaner again. In fact, you are consciously testing the other person.

6. Constantly complaining

One of the ways people communicate passive aggressively is by being overly critical. You complain about everything and criticize everything . You always feel undervalued, unfairly treated, and everything is working against you. And you want everyone to know it. People with a passive aggressive attitude are reactive, not proactive.

7. Quietly resenting

Your partner has done something and you blame the other for it. But instead of discussing it, you keep thinking about it. You don’t want to hug or kiss your partner, let alone look at them. Everything your partner does at that moment has a negative aftertaste. You are rude to your partner – without realizing it or realizing it – because you are secretly blaming him or her for something.

8. Cynical attitude

Cynicism is a kind of self-protection that prevents you from having to express your feelings honestly. Your partner has an optimistic idea, but you reject it “because it’s too childish.” Or you give your partner a compliment that is actually quite an insult. Maybe even hoping that your partner will react badly to it, so you can say it was misinterpreted.

9. Indirect requests

We see a form of passive-aggressive communication in relationships in indirect requests. Because you are able to ask a direct question, you do so in a roundabout way. A simple question to your partner like “Don’t you think it’s dark here?” can mean much more than that. Because what you actually mean is: “Grab your smartphone, open the Philips Hue app and turn on the lights.” While this is a relatively harmless example, indirect requests can be a sneaky way to control and oppress others.

10. Sabotage

Sabotage is a way to get revenge on your partner, often hidden behind friendly gestures. For example, you suggest picking up your partner’s suit from the dry cleaners, but don’t. Your partner then wants to go to a job interview and notices that the suit hasn’t been picked up. Or you don’t inform your partner of a change of date. Or you do inform them, but incorrectly. These kinds of deliberate attempts to sabotage the relationship are passive-aggressive.

11. Avoiding cause

Backhanded compliments like “Luckily they look at you from the inside.” or confrontational questions like “Why did you do that again?” are all about avoiding the cause. They are misplaced responses to the fact that you have not investigated or addressed the source of the frustration. By exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior, you avoid identifying the real cause.

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12. Keeping score

In a relationship, passive-aggressive partners make mental notes to keep score. If they do something good, it goes into the books as a plus. In return, they expect you to do something to balance things out. If you fail to do so, a minus goes into the books. And of course, that can’t go without consequences. This is made clear to you in a sneaky way, but it is not said to you. It is the cycle of passive-aggressive behavior.

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