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Every day, all day long, the same conversations. If you’re a regular on an app like Tinder , you don’t know any better. How you’re doing, what you do in daily life and what your hobbies are: it can quickly become boring to discuss the same thing in every conversation. Anyone who has tried online dating will recognize this.
Despite the fact that we all want to have deep and meaningful conversations, small talk is the norm in most conversations. Whether those conversations happen on a dating app or in real life. According to research, almost half of our conversations are about deeper topics, which means that the other half of our conversations are about meaningless topics. And yet we say we would rather have deep conversations. How come? New research explains why we do this.
Researchers at Northwestern University wanted to know why people stick to small talk so much, when the benefits of deep talk are so great. For example, deeper and meaningful conversations strengthen social bonds and accelerate the development of close relationships. And research also shows that people who spend more time on deep conversations are generally happier than those who spend relatively more time on superficial conversations.
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Why not deeper conversations?
With all this evidence suggesting that deep talk may be better than small talk , you might expect people to gravitate toward deeper conversations. But, they don’t. Why people don’t is the subject of recent research from Northwestern University. Using a variety of experiments, the researchers sought to understand what prevents people from having more deep talk in their daily lives.
The researchers asked participants to engage in various conversations with a stranger. Some experiments involved only deep conversations, while others compared deep and shallow conversations. For example, participants took turns asking and answering questions such as:
- What is one of the most embarrassing moments of your life?
- Can you describe a time when you cried in front of someone else?
- What in your life do you feel most grateful for?
Imagine asking these questions to a complete stranger. Wouldn’t that be strange and a little awkward? That’s what the participants thought too. They were asked in advance how awkward it would be to have a conversation with a stranger using these questions. The participants were worried about how awkward the conversation would be and they doubted whether their conversation partners would be interested in hearing what they had to say.
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It does not correspond to reality
However, the results showed that the participants’ concerns were exaggerated, because the expected awkwardness (yes, this was measured) was much higher than the actual awkwardness of the conversation. Were they not uncomfortable at all? Yes, they were, but much less than they had expected. And not only that: they had also underestimated how interested their conversation partner was in the conversation.
In the other experiments, the comparison was made between superficial and deep conversations . In these experiments, the participants had both superficial and deep conversations. Although the participants expected beforehand that they would prefer the superficial conversation, afterwards they preferred the deeper conversation. They also felt closer to the conversation partner of the deeper conversation than to the conversation partner of the superficial conversation.
The researchers believe that we all underestimate how much people want to have a deeper conversation. We think that others are more indifferent to these conversations than they actually are. And that, the researchers say, could explain why conversations in real life are more superficial than people would like.
The bottom line is that we underestimate the positive effects of deep conversations, think that others will not be interested in the content of the conversation, and that the conversation itself will be awkward. As a result, we are reluctant to share intimate information with strangers and small talk is the safe choice.
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5 Ways to Get Started with Deep Talk
Despite people wanting deeper, more intimate relationships, they don’t pursue them because they expect the greater intimacy to be uncomfortable. However, social psychologist Natalie Kerr says research shows that when we play it safe with small talk , we could be missing out on valuable opportunities for social connection. If you want to have deeper conversations with your conversation partners, Kerr offers five ways to get started.
1. Start small
Instead of starting the conversation with a deep question like “What do you regret most?”, start with small talk instead. After you’ve made an initial connection through small talk, you can gradually deepen the conversation.
2. Expect the best
Kerr says that most people want to have deeper conversations than they normally do. So chances are good that your conversation partner will be willing to go beyond small talk. Expect that your conversation partner will enjoy talking to you.
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3. Push through the difficult
“It’s true that it can be hard to break the norm of small talk,” Kerr says. “But keep in mind that the study participants who engaged in both shallow and deep conversations preferred the deep conversations, even if they were a little awkward.”
4. Be vulnerable
It’s not easy to reveal the intimate details of your life, but showing that you can be vulnerable has positive social consequences. Research confirms that we like people when they reveal something to us, and those people like us when we reveal something to them. “There are some caveats, of course,” Kerr says. “Very negative or sensitive disclosures about yourself can backfire unless you’ve already established a foundation of mutual trust.”
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5. Invite people to go deep
Kerr suggests trying the “fast friends” technique, which involves taking turns answering questions that get increasingly personal. “When people get together with the intention of having a deep conversation, social norms shift, allowing people to be more open and authentic than they normally would,” Kerr says. “The fast friends technique has been proven to strengthen social connection.”
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