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For years, terms have been thrown around that are used to describe specific behaviors in the dating world. For example, you may encounter ghosting , stashing and breadcrumbing . One term you may not have heard of before is ‘benching’. Coined by New York Magazine, this term has become quite common. Maybe you’ve done it to someone else or someone else has done it to you – almost everyone is familiar with this phenomenon. You haven’t?
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What is benching?
Benching is the modern version of ‘keeping someone on the line’. The term comes from a sports metaphor. Imagine you are the coach of a team and you don’t know what to do with a player. You want to keep the player as a backup, but you don’t want to put him in the stands. However, you don’t want to put him on the field either. You put the player on the bench, which in English is a bench. The term benching means that you use someone as a reserve and not as a first choice. You are the bencher, and the person you are stringing along is the benchee.
And this is where it gets really interesting in the context of dating. Instead of dropping off the radar completely or breaking off contact in a fair way, you stay in touch with minimal effort. It’s like ghosting, but you keep showing up with sporadic messages to keep you interested. It’s selfish, but polite at the same time.
Benching basically means that someone is stringing you along without you really wanting to date them seriously. You keep in touch with them, but you’re not really committed or interested in a deeper relationship. It’s like you’re keeping them as a backup plan in case your first choice isn’t available. So instead of disappearing completely or cutting off contact, you keep popping up every now and then, usually with superficial messages to stay in the picture.
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Not always consciously
An interesting aspect of benching is that it is not always conscious. The person stringing you along may not be doing it intentionally. Sometimes they may be keeping in touch out of politeness or because they don’t know how to properly break off contact. In their mind, they may not even be thinking of you as a backup option, but their actions sometimes say otherwise.
In addition, benching is often a choice between different ways to end contact. It seems that some people would rather bench someone than opt for a fair and open break. It is as if they keep the contact halfway, sometimes contact, sometimes not. And that is just to make it a bit easier. Here are some signs that you could be a victim of benching:
Irregular contact
The person you are dating texts you irregularly, disappears and then reappears for no apparent reason. In any case, the contact is characterized by several pauses that are inexplicable.
No deep conversations
The conversations remain superficial and never really go into depth . You get the idea that the other person is not seriously interested in you as a person.
No concrete plans
You never make concrete plans to meet or do anything, which makes you feel like you’re just an option and not a priority.
Always be available
You are always available when they reach out, but they always seem to have other priorities when you reach out.
Mixed signals
Mixed signals are common, with flirty messages every now and then followed by days of silence.
Lack of dedication
There is absolutely no commitment to taking the relationship to a more serious level , such as exclusivity or official status.
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How the couch potato experiences it
For the victim, the couch potato, it can be frustrating because it seems like you’re interested. But in reality, they’re just a backup option for you. It can be confusing and painful for the person being strung along . It’s like someone has complete control over you and is pressing the pause button to pick up later.
First of all, there’s this constant confusion. You get messages and occasional attention from this person, so you think, “Maybe they’re really interested in me.” That gives you a glimmer of hope. But then they disappear just as quickly as they appeared, and that glimmer of hope quickly turns into a lot of sadness.
Anger and frustration can also lurk. You think to yourself, “Why can’t they just be honest? Why do they have to string me along?” It feels like a waste of your time and energy. And then there’s this emotional rollercoaster. First you’re disappointed when they disappear, then you’re happy when they reappear, but that joy is always short-lived because you know it’s probably not serious. And that can be pretty exhausting.
Eventually, you come to realize that this is probably not a healthy situation . It can affect your self-confidence and make you feel like you’re not good enough. And that’s just not fair to you. If you dream about being in a relationship with that person, it’s probably one of the most frustrating situations you can find yourself in.
You are happy that you are in touch again, and suddenly the other person disappears from the face of the earth. After the usual feelings of anger, sadness and acceptance, that person pops up again with a flirty message or a direct message. It feels like a resurrection from the dead. And you can probably understand that this is not exactly fun. So avoid keeping the bench warm for someone else and do not let yourself be benched.
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