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Usually you can easily spot the narcissist in the room. They are the ones who charm the crowd and loudly share great stories that convey that they are very important and have come far so they can feel admired.
Someone who behaves in this way often sends a clear message to those around them that they are not approachable or compassionate. But do you recognize a covert narcissist?
Could there be more people in the room who have the same exaggerated reasons for admiration and relevance, but they are harder to identify? Yes, someone you are close to could even be a narcissist, but show this in fewer ways.
What is narcissism?
The term narcissism is frequently used in typical conversations to describe anyone who seems a little too preoccupied with themselves.
However, if we approach mental health clinically, a person must meet certain criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
Characteristics
In general, people with narcissistic personality disorder are primarily obsessed with their own success and have great self-esteem, which influences their decisions and interactions.
Narcissists find it difficult to build and maintain bonds with others due to their manipulative tendencies and lack of empathy. They often feel entitled to everything and feel no compassion for others, but they do crave attention and admiration.
Elements of narcissism include:
– a sense of self-importance or delusions of grandeur
– fantasizing about being influential, famous and/or important
– exaggerating their abilities, talents and achievements
– the craving for admiration and recognition
– being obsessed with beauty, love, power and/or success
– an exaggerated sense of being unique
– the belief that the world owes them something
– exploiting others to get their way (regardless of the impact this will have on others)
– the lack of empathy for others
What is covert narcissism?
In psychology, behavior can be described as overt or covert. Overt behavior occurs when it can be easily picked up by others, such as the behavior of the traditional narcissist described earlier.
Covert narcissists
Covert narcissists also crave admiration and relevance and they also lack empathy for others, but they can behave really differently than the overt narcissists.
When we consider the behavior of narcissists, it is difficult to imagine how anyone could ever be narcissistic and how someone could be hindered in their approach and behavior.
A covert narcissist appears to the outside world as someone who is modest or somewhat withdrawn in interactions, but the end goal is the same. This can be described as when you play your favorite song loudly compared to when you turn it down twice as much. The song itself hasn’t changed, only the listening volume.
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Overt and hidden
Covert narcissists differ from overt narcissists only in that they are often more introverted. The overt narcissist can be easily identified because they are often loud, arrogant and insensitive to the needs of others and are always fishing for compliments. Their behavior can easily be observed by others and they often appear ‘big’ in a room.
When we think of an overt narcissist we might say that they exhibit more extroverted behavior in their interactions with others.
Both covert and overt narcissists go through life with delusions of grandeur and fantasize about success and elevation.
Both individuals must meet the same clinical criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Both have disorders in the ability to manage self-confidence.
Many people have fallen prey to the manipulative behavior of a covert narcissist without realizing what was going on before they were emotionally damaged. It might be more accurate to suggest that people are more likely to see an extroverted (overt) narcissist coming than an introverted (covert) narcissist.
It is not uncommon for people to end up in serious relationships with covert narcissists and then suddenly be hurt by a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship.
Signs to look out for if you suspect your partner of hidden narcissism:
Although there are certain clinical criteria that a person must meet before he or she can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are a number of generic traits and patterns that you can look for in everyday interactions if you suspect your partner of hidden narcissism.
Being aware of these qualities can empower those dealing with a covert narcissist and help them recognize potentially unhealthy interactions and deal with them better.
1. Passive delusions of grandeur
While the overt, extroverted narcissist clearly shows his or her delusions of grandeur and arrogance in dealing with others, the covert narcissist is usually less obvious.
The covert narcissist certainly craves relevance and admiration, but that may come across differently to those around them.
They may give dubious compliments or deliberately minimize their achievements or talents so that they will be emphasized by others.
The reality for both the overt and covert narcissist is that they have a fragile self-image.
The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, while the covert narcissist will use softer strategies to achieve the same.
The covert narcissist will most likely seek constant recognition for their talents, skills and achievements, ensuring that others feed their need for relevance.
2. Accusing people and making them feel ashamed
Making others feel ashamed is a great tactic to ensure their delusions of grandeur.
The overt (extroverted) narcissists may be more striking in their approach to putting pressure on you, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you and being sarcastic.
A covert narcissist may try more gently to explain why something is your fault and they had nothing to do with it.
They may even act as if they have been victims of your behavior and thus ensure that you praise them to the heavens and reassure them. Ultimately, these interactions are designed to make the other person feel inferior.
ALSO READ: The Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: 7 Signs of the Silent Struggle
3. Causing confusion
Although not always sneaky, some covert narcissists enjoy causing confusion to those they interact with .
They may not make others feel guilty or ashamed, but instead they cause others to doubt their beliefs and themselves.
They can also pressure you by elevating themselves above you and maintaining power. If they manage to make you doubt your own perspective, they can seize the opportunity to manipulate and exploit you even more.
4. Procrastination and neglect
Because they need it so much that their delusions of grandeur run rampant, hidden narcissists will do anything to remain the center of attention.
An extroverted narcissist would simply push you aside or manipulate you to achieve their goals, but the covert narcissist is a professional and simply does not acknowledge your existence at all.
It’s no coincidence that narcissists generally tend to associate with caring and empathetic people. Introverted narcissists simply see their opportunity. They have no problem letting you know that you are not important.
Instead of honestly saying that you are not important, they may leave you behind when you have a date, wait until the last minute to answer your texts and/or emails, always arrive late to events that they would attend with you or never confirm plans you made together. They disrespect your time or interests and make you feel small, unimportant, and irrelevant.
5. Emotional neglect
Narcissists cannot build and maintain emotional bonds. How can they maintain ties if they are always concerned with themselves? The covert narcissist is exactly the same. Although they appear friendly and less irritating than the extrovert narcissist, they are also not emotionally accessible or interactive.
You probably won’t get compliments from a covert narcissist very often. When you realize that they are always only focused on maintaining their relevance, it is logical that they find it difficult to compliment you. They often pay little attention to your talents or abilities – usually no attention is paid to them at all.
Just like with overt narcissists, you ultimately do most of the emotional work with the covert narcissist. These often seem more emotionally accessible, but this is just a way to exploit you or ultimately belittle someone by disrespecting them, accusing and blaming them for everything.
Since a lack of empathy is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder , the covert narcissist will not be emotionally accessible to his or her partner in a healthy way.
6. Generous with a purpose
Narcissists are generally not generous. They find it difficult to spend energy on something that will not yield them anything.
An introverted narcissist usually presents themselves in a way as if they are generous, but their generous nature is only demonstrated to get something in return.
A simple, everyday example would be them leaving a tip at a local cafe. A covert narcissist would be more likely to leave the tip if they are sure the employees will notice in order to provoke an interaction that will get them praised to the skies. So their intentions are always more focused on themselves than on those they give to.
7. Legality:
Narcissists often see doubt as an unforgivable weakness that they should combat by always being right and being unwilling to budge or reconsider their actions.
Even when they have been clearly mean, hurtful, or disrespectful, narcissists often refuse to take responsibility for it – justifying their behavior and words by provoking others (“It was because of you!”).
Your desire to highlight their flaws annoys them, so they become aggressive and angry, begin to ignore you, and withdraw as if you’ve deliberately ruined their day (and the relationship).
8. Hypocrisy:
To be able to manipulate so well, narcissists need another quality – they must be extremely good at lying. And they can often do this very well.
Since narcissists do not have the potential to develop norms and values such as loyalty and empathy and do not deviate from them, they find it easy to lie, to twist the truth to work in their favor and they do not regret it .
It is very difficult to spot the lies because narcissists are normally charming, hypnotic and dramatic – all of which help them effortlessly appear sincere and honest.
What to do if you suspect your partner of hidden narcissism:
You may currently be in a relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it is a family member, co-worker or partner.
It may be helpful to note that we cannot control what the narcissist does, but we can control how we behave and interact with them.
There are certain steps you can take to protect yourself when dealing with a covert narcissist.
1. Don’t take it personally
When dealing with a narcissist, whether covert or overt, their manipulative behavior can really affect you personally.
The narcissist’s lack of consideration, sense of entitlement, frequent manipulation and deception can feel very personal to us if we fall prey.
No matter how painful the impact of their behavior is at that moment, you really need to remember that it has nothing to do with you.
The narcissist is behaving in a negative way because they are not completely healthy, not because you are not completely healthy.
It is best to look at the situation and the interactions to find out how you contribute to it. However, it is important to give them the feeling that they are in charge.
The narcissist wants you to take it personally because that way they can put pressure on you. Remember that a narcissist feels inferior and therefore has to make himself or herself ‘great’.
2. Set Boundaries
Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries. Since covert narcissists lack empathy and have a strong sense of entitlement, boundaries only get in the way of their goals.
The more you practice setting boundaries, the more consistently you will let them know when their strategies aren’t working.
Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially if you’ve never done it before. Not only is it likely unfamiliar territory for you, but setting boundaries when dealing with a covert narcissist can be quite intimidating.
Remember that boundaries are one more way you can let someone know what your values are. Find out what is important to you, what your norms and values are and do your best to set boundaries that support them.
Understanding why you set certain boundaries can help you become more confident and will help you resist if a narcissist tries to override your boundaries or disregard them.
3. Stand up for yourself
It’s easy to lose your voice when dealing with a covert narcissist. Given how manipulative the interactions are, it may take a while to realize that the relationship has left you at a loss as to how to stand up for yourself.
Take the time to rediscover yourself, who you are, what you find important, your norms and values, your goals and your talents. Strengthening the relationship you have with yourself is essential to making your voice heard when dealing with a narcissist.
Standing up for yourself gives the narcissist the opportunity to see a side of you that is aware of their strategies and this makes it less attractive for them to continue.
4. Keep a healthy distance
Having a covert narcissist as a partner can be frustrating and overwhelming. There are times when it can be difficult to put distance between you and that person, such as with a family member or colleague.
However, you may have the opportunity to keep a healthy distance between you and the narcissist.
Limiting personal interactions, asking for office work, taking breaks at different times, or simply cutting off contact may be necessary if you feel hurt by someone’s hidden narcissism.
Remember that creating distance is not intended to hurt the narcissist. It is meant to protect yourself and give yourself space to heal.
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